Post # 1
As you can see from a prior post
, I am indeed a longtime poster on the bee. Based on an earlier thread, you bees helped me. I went to the free clinic in my neighborhood and started seeing a therapist whom I see once a week. I also bought some books from Amazon and checked a few out from the library. Let me tell you, this made a whole lot of difference in my life and the way my husband and I interact. Because of your help before, I’ve come on here to seek advice (I shall continue to discuss this issue with my therapist…actually we have been discussing it for two months now). However, I should say that therapy has been influential in how I have dealt with this issue so far.
Okay, my husband and I are a bit older. Firmly in our 30’s. We live in different states. Have our own places (rent, not own) and have graduate degrees. Now, to my detriment, the name change thing was not something we discussed before getting married. I’ve always known that I didn’t want to change my name. I like my name. It’s tied to my identity. It’s my name and I like it. I feel like changing it is ripping something away from me that is out of my control. That’s how I feel. Now, I know some women who can’t wait to change their names, I’m not one of those. Well, I knew he might want me to change my name but I didn’t want to fight about it. We were fighting a bit during the engagement and this was just one more thing I didn’t want to fight about. My bad. We’ve been married a while now. I’d like to move to his state (actually, I don’t want to but it seems prevailing wisdom is that the wife should move). So, we started discussing the name change since September and the three arguments we’ve had since then (about one huge argument a month) is about my name. I don’t want to change. I have discussed this ad nuseum with my therapist. I’ve made lists and done the pros and cons. The most I could come up with is a hyphenation which I would BEGRUDGINGLY do but not really what I want.
Darling Husband went ballistic last week when he found out I was sticking to hyphenation and told me that he’s going to initiate divorce proceedings because he feels so strongly about this. Prior to this, he said if I don’t change and we both hold our positions, that he would emotionally check out. “Irreconcilable differences’ is what he said. We are from a traditional culture (not that I we are that traditional) Anyhow, I feel like my back is to the wall and I am so freaking resentful. I’m giving up my whole adult life to move to a state where I know nobody. I don’t have friends etc. He said he doesn’t want me to move to him if I don’t change my name. We haven’t gone on our honeymoon. He won’t file taxes with me either. Neither will he discuss kids. Yeah, we are getting older by the minute. He said a hyphenation is a rejection of him. No matter how I’ve explained myself, I think he’s holding on to the fact that he feels I trapped him into marriage because if he knew how I felt about my name he wouldn’t have married me. I thought that was 10 types of silly. Oh, you meet someone you want to spend your life with. Your values dovetail but one is hung up on names? I am so so pissed and am thisclose to telling my relatives (who have been asking when I’m moving)
I am so pissed because I know that he is digging his heels in for some reason I can’t fathom. Lots of women in our culture have compound names. My fear is, today, it’s names. Tomorrow who knows what? What is I can’t have kids? Or can’t find a job? Or get in an accident and lose my legs or something? I honestly think this has really shaken my trust in him. Made me doubt his staying power. I haven’t spoken to him since Monday. I don’t know what to do. It’s really more than changing my name at this point because honestly, I feel so bullied (he did say he feels deceived) so we are at an impasse. Any thoughts???
Post # 3
This is nuts. He sounds like a jerk. I would wait and see if he files. If he does, then I think he’s just using this as an excuse to get divorced. Someone who is in love with someone, although their feelings may be hurt, wouldn’t get divorced over this.
Post # 4
I am guessing that this is about more then just the name change. It sounds like the two of you have had a rocky road for a while now and this really might just be his breaking point. Is there anyway he could travel and come to the therapist with you for a session or two?
Post # 5
I’d tell him to go right ahead. If he’s serious he’s an *sshole and if he’s just threatening you to get his way he’s still an *sshole.
Post # 6
I’d beat him to the punch and file. He seems like he’s making you miserable. The fact that you don’t want to move to be with him probably says something too.
ETA: Sorry.. I realize that was very blunt. I’m sure this is a difficult situation, it just seems from the things you’ve said (and if he says that he would divorce you over this) that he’s not interested in making it work. If this is such an issue I worry what might be in store later if you disagree with him about any other life decisions like what school to send your kids to, etc…
Post # 7
Tell him to go ahead and have a nice life. I know I’m being blunt, but it honestly doesn’t sound like he cares very much about being married to you.
Post # 8
ya, i wouldn’t give in on this. you more than generously comprised on a hyphenation – which you shouldn’t have to do. If he wants to file for divorce over this, better now than after you have kids and something equally trivial comes up. i am sorry this is happening to you though. its sounds simple to us annonymous outsiders, but i am sure you must be feeling awful and i feel for you. i hope things get resolved and you make a decision that is best for your mental and emotional well being.
Post # 9
Sounds like he’s very traditional and wants things his way all the time, you’ve had a tough time and things aren’t getting any better for you guys. Something will break at some point, it just has to. I think he already has checked out. I’d call his bluff. Are you willing to let any kids use his name?
FWIW, this traditional arrangement would not work for me.
ETA: But sweeping problems under the rug isn’t good either. You know now that doesn’t make them go away.
Post # 10
It has been a bit rocky. Mostly because of wedding planning and the fact that the finances balooned AND I really don’t know how to handle stress so I lashed out at home. Not often, but often enough for me to put up the prior thread and get a handle on the situation. I am in a much much better place right now. However, this has just knocked me for a loop. I don’t really want to tell anyone because everyone just loves him because well, he is the charming funny fellow that though is not the life of the party, everyone loves him. I still think it’s the deception of me not telling him before the wedding that is causing this not the actually fact that I want to hyphenate. I told him that maybe he should see a therapist over the fact that I did deceive him but it’s already happened but he said he doesn’t want to go because it means that I still get what I want and am basically telling him to get over it. I just feel like my life is at a standstill right now. I am not hurt as much as dumbfounded. I’m scared to tell my mum because she’s a grudge holder (trust me on this) and she will hold it over his head for FOREVER!! I can’t tell my friends because many of them are from ‘home’ and they would say ‘What’s the big deal?’ although a few didn’t change their names and their husbands don’t have a problem with it. I don’t get it. Sorry for the long posts 🙁 Oh, and this is just for business purposes. I’m not going to be using it socially so folks can call me Mrs. HisLastName AND our kids wouldn’t even have my last name or anything. In my culture, only the men can name the kids so even though I can give them middle names, I can’t give them first names which I am okay with. I’m just not okay with not having a say in my OWN NAME 🙁
Post # 11
Uh… say what? If a man is willing to divorce his wife over a name change then sorry to say but the marriage should never have happened at all. Holy over reaction Batman. Throwing around the threat of divorce at all is damaging, but over something like that? No way. Compounded by the fact that you have been married for some time and you don’t even live together I am confused as to why you are even married to this jackwagon. What does your therapist think of this? I personally do not see how you could stay married and create a life with this man, but I guess good luck to you.
Post # 12
My Fiance feels very strong about this but thankfully I don’t mind changing my long last name that no one can spell to a very short one. I don’t think it should mean your marriage, but if it does then you have to figure out which is more important. Have you considered changing your middle name to your maiden name and then taking his last name?
@ieatunicorns:Omg, is that your cat!? At first glance I thought it was a nude pic, because of the color, haha….
Post # 13
Tell him to go ahead, you’ll sign next to the X and make it easy.
He sounds like a manipulative jerk and I’m sorry but the way you paint your relationship it sounds like more work than it’s worth. You shouldn’t have to feel pushed into any corners or decisions because HE wants you to. That’s ridiculous. Divorce him and move on with your life. I know that’s probably difficult but it sounds like, at best, you tolerate eachother. No man who loves a woman would even THINK of threatening something like that over something so insignificant in the scheme of things. Add to that your previous issues, the fact that you both don’t really want to move to be together (I wouldn’t either in your case because he sounds terrible.)
Stay where you are, keep your name, keep your therapist, and find a guy (in your area) who isn’t an a-hole.
Post # 14
agreed with you all. There is obviously something more on his side. I’m sorry, but a NAME should not send you to file divorce papers. My feeling is, its YOUR name, and you are the one who has to deal with it the rest of your life. YOU should be the one making the final decision, not him. My husband wanted me to change to his name, but knew that it was ultimately my decision. I ended up changing, but because I wanted to, not because he wanted me to
Post # 15
I guess I don’t understand the issue with the hypenation of your last name because I come from a family of southern roots. Are you in the south by any chance? The reason I ask is because it is traditional in the south to drop your middle name and replace it with your maiden name when you get married, no hyphenation necessary. I have my maiden name there in my legal name to use when I want but it is still perfectly correct to use just my married name as well. I sign my paperwork and checks first maiden married but we introduce ourselves as Mr and Mrs Married. Would this be a compromise y’all can live with?
Post # 16
I say see if he actually does it.. if he does than is it worth it? Like you said what would it be about next?
If you want to keep your name no one should bully you into changing it… most of all he should never bully you like that.