(Closed) Please help. DH says he will divorce me if I hyphenate my name :(

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

This is nuts. He sounds like a jerk. I would wait and see if he files. If he does, then I think he’s just using this as an excuse to get divorced. Someone who is in love with someone, although their feelings may be hurt, wouldn’t get divorced over this.  

Post # 4
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I am guessing that this is about more then just the name change. It sounds like the two of you have had a rocky road for a while now and this really might just be his breaking point. Is there anyway he could travel and come to the therapist with you for a session or two?

Post # 5
5786 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2011

I’d tell him to go right ahead. If he’s serious he’s an *sshole and if he’s just threatening you to get his way he’s still an *sshole.

Post # 6
4355 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’d beat him to the punch and file. He seems like he’s making you miserable. The fact that you don’t want to move to be with him probably says something too.

ETA: Sorry.. I realize that was very blunt. I’m sure this is a difficult situation, it just seems from the things you’ve said (and if he says that he would divorce you over this) that he’s not interested in making it work. If this is such an issue I worry what might be in store later if you disagree with him about any other life decisions like what school to send your kids to, etc…

Post # 7
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Tell him to go ahead and have a nice life. I know I’m being blunt, but it honestly doesn’t sound like he cares very much about being married to you.

Post # 8
7296 posts
Busy Beekeeper

ya, i wouldn’t give in on this. you more than generously comprised on a hyphenation – which you shouldn’t have to do.  If he wants to file for divorce over this, better now than after you have kids and something equally trivial comes up.  i am sorry this is happening to you though. its sounds simple to us annonymous outsiders, but i am sure you must be feeling awful and i feel for you. i hope things get resolved and you make a decision that is best for your mental and emotional well being.

Post # 9
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Sounds like he’s very traditional and wants things his way all the time, you’ve had a tough time and things aren’t getting any better for you guys.  Something will break at some point, it just has to.  I think he already has checked out.  I’d call his bluff.  Are you willing to let any kids use his name?

FWIW, this traditional arrangement would not work for me. 

ETA: But sweeping problems under the rug isn’t good either.  You know now that doesn’t make them go away.

Post # 11
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Uh… say what? If a man is willing to divorce his wife over a name change then sorry to say but the marriage should never have happened at all. Holy over reaction Batman. Throwing around the threat of divorce at all is damaging, but over something like that? No way. Compounded by the fact that you have been married for some time and you don’t even live together I am confused as to why you are even married to this jackwagon. What does your therapist think of this? I personally do not see how you could stay married and create a life with this man, but I guess good luck to you. 

Post # 12
357 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

My Fiance feels very strong about this but thankfully I don’t mind changing my long last name that no one can spell to a very short one. I don’t think it should mean your marriage, but if it does then you have to figure out which is more important. Have you considered changing your middle name to your maiden name and then taking his last name? 

@ieatunicorns:Omg, is that your cat!? At first glance I thought it was a nude pic, because of the color, haha….

Post # 13
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Tell him to go ahead, you’ll sign next to the X and make it easy.

He sounds like a manipulative jerk and I’m sorry but the way you paint your relationship it sounds like more work than it’s worth. You shouldn’t have to feel pushed into any corners or decisions because HE wants you to. That’s ridiculous. Divorce him and move on with your life. I know that’s probably difficult but it sounds like, at best, you tolerate eachother. No man who loves a woman would even THINK of threatening something like that over something so insignificant in the scheme of things. Add to that your previous issues, the fact that you both don’t really want to move to be together (I wouldn’t either in your case because he sounds terrible.)

Stay where you are, keep your name, keep your therapist, and find a guy (in your area) who isn’t an a-hole.

Post # 14
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009






agreed with you all. There is obviously something more on his side. I’m sorry, but a NAME should not send you to file divorce papers. My feeling is, its YOUR name, and you are the one who has to deal with it the rest of your life. YOU should be the one making the final decision, not him. My husband wanted me to change to his name, but knew that it was ultimately my decision. I ended up changing, but because I wanted to, not because he wanted me to

Post # 15
3776 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

I guess I don’t understand the issue with the hypenation of your last name because I come from a family of southern roots.  Are you in the south by any chance?  The reason I ask is because it is traditional in the south to drop your middle name and replace it with your maiden name when you get married, no hyphenation necessary.  I have my maiden name there in my legal name to use when I want but it is still perfectly correct to use just my married name as well.  I sign my paperwork and checks first maiden married but we introduce ourselves as Mr and Mrs Married.  Would this be a compromise y’all can live with?

Post # 16
468 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I say see if he actually does it.. if he does than is it worth it? Like you said what would it be about next?

If you want to keep your name no one should bully you into changing it… most of all he should never bully you like that.

Good Luck

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