(Closed) Please help. DH says he will divorce me if I hyphenate my name :(

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
6511 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@LGenz: Agreed!

Post # 33
Member
13905 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

This is a pretty serious issue, even aside from the name change.  You live in different states, you don’t seem to have any solid plans to move there.  It seems like you’re married legally, but it no other sense of the word.  If he divorces you over not changing your names, that shows me that it wasn’t a 100% solid relationship in the first place. 

Have you talked about professionally using your maiden name and then using his socially/personally?  I know a lot of women who have established careers once they are married and they just do that.  That way, the diplomas and career information follows their name, but at least you have the connection of socially being Mr. and Mrs. Bee. 

I hope you work this out.  It sounds very draining and hurtful to you.

Post # 34
Member
47421 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

If he won’t go to counselling with you, is not willing to compromise in any way, must have his own way 100% of the time, won’t  take a honeymoon, won’t file joint tax returns, and won’t discuss children, why exactly is this man married?

 

Post # 35
Member
2783 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Seriously, that is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. No one who is truely in love and wants to be married for life would threaten divorce over something, which to be honest, is trivial. This is emotional blakcmail. I wouldn’t even move across the street for someone who threatened divorce over this.

Post # 36
Member
7605 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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@mwitter80: I agree with you.  This name thing sounds like an excuse to get divorced.  OP, sorry you are dealing with this!

Post # 37
Member
3788 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I would be very worried that he’s using divorce as a threat. It’s very manipulative, and if you give in, will he try that over everything when he wants to get his way? I realize that we have only a fraction of the story, so I won’t rush to say leave him, but I do not think you should concede on your name to prevent it. There can always be a compromise if you’re both willing to have it.

Post # 38
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011 - Bent Creek Winery (Livermore, California); Reception: Family Residence (San Ramon, California)

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@vmec: I totally agree. In pre-marital counseling, our counselor talked about how you never threaten to leave or divorce your partner. Divorce is a serious action, and it’s not something to be taken lightly, and it’s certainly not something to be used to bully your partner into getting your way. I think it is very shameful that your husband is using the threat of divorce to try to bully you into taking his last name, and I think that is the biggest, most dangerous issue you have right now. 

Post # 39
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee

Seems to me there’s a whole lot more going on here.

Maybe I missed it, but how long have you been married?  I figure it’s been since at least September?  When you married, had you talked out a timeline for moving to the same state?  Is this a first marriage for both of you?  Those seem like a couple of really big issues . . . or elephants in the room that no one wanted to discuss.  That worries me.

Using divorce as a threat always raises big red flags to me.

That being said, I didn’t change my name (I think my mom was more surprised than my MIL–especially since one of DH’s sisters has not changed her name either).  That being said, I’m not offeneded when things come addressed to me with my husband’s last name (it makes him giggle like a teenaged girl though).  I know if we had kids, they’d have his last name (not that we would as we’re in our 40s).  My sister hyphenated her name and moved to her husband’s city (even without a job–since they were in separate cities, their expenses would only go down and with marraige, she’d qualify for his insurance).  My family is very traditional, yet only a couple of my cousins (or their wives) have acutally changed their last names–most of us have not.

Post # 41
Member
5667 posts
Bee Keeper

Let him file the divorce papers. If he’s willing to divorce you over the “deception” involving a name change than screw him. What happens if you ever change you mind about something, is that deception too? Ridiculous.

Post # 42
Member
1051 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I agree with everyone else. If he’s willing to divorce you over a name I’d be out the door before the ink dried on the papers. Marriage is about compromise and there’s no compromise here. You’re right to be worried about this emotional blackmail and I wouldn’t want to get in any deeper with him because he’ll likely use it again the next time you disagree with him.

Call his bluff. Tell him that if he is so unwilling to compromise and work together to solve the name dilemma that he should file for divorce since the relationship has no future. Whatever you do, don’t move to him. Right now you have your own home and job and if you move into his home it’s one more thing for him to hold over you.

Post # 43
Member
882 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Wow. Imagine if there were other misfortunate events in life, I wonder how he will react to those things! No pun intended, really. It’s just a name. All that matters is the love that is shared between both of you.

Post # 44
Member
2977 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m gonna have to agree here- this man doesn’t sound like he gives a flip about being married in the first place judging by what you’ve revealed in your posts about him (vent post or not). I just can’t wrap my head around a husband that basically lives like a bachleor and threatens to divorce you for hyphenating your name. I’d tell him to go ahead. There are way better men out there in this world.

Post # 45
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

I have to agree with everybody else. If he is threatening divorce over a name decision, what else will he do? I’m sorry, but that is very dysfunctional, rude, crazy and just makes no sense to me. I’m so sorry. I would find out what is causing him to act/talk this way and really consider if you really wanted to stay married to somebody who treats you like this. ((hugs))

Post # 46
Member
1713 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

Seems like such a trivial issue to get a divorce over, why is he acting like this would be my first question. my second would be does he really care about you? Because this is a VERY OTT response in my eyes…

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