(Closed) Please help. DH says he will divorce me if I hyphenate my name :(

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 77
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Muckenthaler Cultural Center

He is being absurd and unfair. 

Post # 78
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I’m so sorry you have to deal with all of this.  I agree with most posters that this is a complete overreaction and likely points to far more serious problems in the future.  I completely disagree that this is somehow your fault or a “lie of omission.”  I know name change traditions vary by region, culture, age, etc., but if the issue is SO vitally important to him, he should have made it clear to you before marriage.  I really don’t understand why a woman is somehow at fault if she fails to bring it up.  Every couple’s situation is different, so my own experiences (or any other poster’s) clearly shouldn’t be taken as the “right” or “wrong” way to do anything.  But at the very least, he should realize that there are many different ways that couples deal with the name issue, and if it were such a deal breaker, he should have brought it up.  I didn’t change my name, and I don’t think we even discussed it until we filled out the marriage license, at which point my husband said he always expected me to keep my name.  If he’d been angry about keeping my name, I’d have had serious doubts about marrying him.  Obviously, we’re just one example and that’s what worked for us, but my point is that changing your name is no longer a “default” position, nor should your husband have expected it to be.

More importantly, I think most people would agree that he’s demonstrating a serious and fundamental lack of respect for your feelings and opinions (which is a huge problem, no matter what the underlying disagreement is about).  I’m really glad you’re seeing a counselor, and I wish you the best of luck!

Post # 79
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I don’t think he cares much about you, just let him start the divorce procedures, you deserve a better man that cares about you not a name change!

Post # 80
487 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m sorry, but your husband is acting like a complete a-hole. If he’s getting this controlling and manipulative over something like this then I genuinely fear for you the longer you stay with him. What’s next? Coercing you into all sorts of things you’re not comfortable with by using the threat of divorce as a weapon? This is not good at all!

I’m getting married this year and my fiance actually said that if I wanted to keep my name then he would understand and be fine with it. Sure he would LOVE for me to have his name (and I have chosen to take his name – but it’s my choice not his) and for us to be Mr and Mrs blahblah but he wouldn’t threaten to divorce me had I chosen not to. His surname is a “foreign” sounding name that people would no doubt have something to say about me – a white person – having so he wasn’t sure if I would feel comfortable with it or not. As it happens I am completely comfortable with it, but had he threatened to divorce/not marry me if the other option had been my choice I would not have married him as it would be clear he had control issues.

Do NOT let this guy force you into something you are not happy with. You have already made a compromise by adding his name to yours. To be honest though, if he does divorce you over this (and i don’t believe for a second that he will) would it be such a bad thing? If he can through such a tantrum over something like this that he can’t have his own way over then you know he will continue to do this for the rest of your married life.

Post # 81
3622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It looks like the jury is in on this one. OP do you have any updates?

Post # 82
3798 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

This is the definition of manipulation.


Post # 83
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

If he goes ballistic over something that means so much to your identity, but does not affect him in ANY way, you might want to just be rid of him. As you said, think about the troubles you’d have when actual issues start cropping up.

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