DH sending his little boy to private school.

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 211
Member
685 posts
Busy bee

jkrista11 :  How much are you contributing to your son’s private schooling? Will you be contributing just as much for your daughters, e.g., tutors, sports, music classes, etc., as well?

Post # 213
Member
7851 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

OP I am wondering what you’re hoping to achieve with this thread?  You’ve spurred some interesting debate here but you don’t really respond to pp’s concerns. You just keep repeating the same things: “we can only afford to send one child to prep school”; “I want all the kids to be treated equal.” Well, those two statements are contradictory. I mean really, where is your own head on this? What do you want to happen here?

Post # 214
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2010

This is totally sexist. Just because he’s not their biological father, doesn’t give him any right to treat those girls any different. 

Be ready for  resentful family outings when this thing gets blown out of proportions in a few years time. 

Post # 215
Member
596 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

GoddessNic :  And yet i’m pretty sure I can find ‘father’ in ‘step-father’.

Post # 216
Member
1056 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1995

lulubloom :  The boy is hers and her husbands.  The girls are hers and her ex’s.  All the children live with her and her husband all the time.  

Post # 217
Member
2024 posts
Buzzing bee

jkrista11 :  Well, I don’t really care if this ruffles feathers or I get called an “evil Cinderella stepmom”.

You have a couple of options here:

(1) figure out a way with your ex to come up with the money to put the girls in the prep school. You said your ex would be very happy if they could go, but financially speaking– he isn’t able to provide that to your girls. Maybe re-arrange child support, or see if you could take on a part time job to help put the girls into the school you want them in. Ultimately, the onus of education and financing it comes down to YOU and HIM. You two created them, you two need to agree on their education.

OR

(2) Make it fair for everyone and take your son out of private school and put him into public school. This is where it’s going to be tricky, because your husband has clearly stated he does not want his son going to public school. You don’t want him going there, either. However; if you truly want it to be “fair”, the fair thing is to put them all in the same public school system. It’s NOT fair that you and your ex want your girls to go to a fancy prep school but neither of you can pay for it on your own and expect the step dad to finance this. There’s a lot I want in life, but guess what– it ain’t gonna happen unless I make it so. If you want it to be fair– equal across the board– you’ll need to pull him out of private school. 

Since option 2 isn’t what it sounds like you or your husband want, I’d work really hard on option 1 and start looking at the finances of the child support agreement and/or taking on some additional work to make it happen.

 

ETA: I’d reference your parenting plan or divorce papers in regards to the education of the girls, you should have had to complete some type of outline of how you would approach it, who would make the decisions and how often it needs to be revisited. There also should be a parental intermediary in the event you two (you and ex) cannot agree, and if there isn’t one– you can have a court appointed one step in.

 

Post # 218
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t think it’s fair to rag on OP, she appears to be conflicted about this and is clearly hoping to make a change in the situation.

@OP – I’m not sure what the correct answer is but ideal scenarios so far are:

1) Send all three kids to private school – your husband can pay for “his” son and you and EX can pay for your girls

2) Send all kids to public school for now and then reconsider private school as they get older, and it becomes clear who is more academically inclined and who is not.

Post # 219
Member
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

zzar45 :  Let me clarify: This is not MY thinking, but potentially what the OP’s husband is thinking.  I meant to capitalize need  as a way exagerate how condescending it sounds.  If you had bothered to read the rest of my post you would have seen that I (a woman) went to private school myself. 

Post # 220
Member
5951 posts
Bee Keeper

hikingbride :  I missed this post the first time but noticed it when I was catching back up in this thread and it raises a very good point. If so much of OP and her husband’s finances are being put toward their son’s private school education, this will affect the family’s overall budget and will affect the girls in multiple ways.

I’m assuming, since OP says they can put one child through private school but not three, that their household budget is reasonably comfortable but not wealthy. So think of finances as a pie graph- if a big chunk is going toward a private school education, then less ‘pie’ is left for other things- family travel, summer camps, sports or music lessons, college savings etc.

And admittedly I don’t have much knowledge of private schools, but won’t there be lots of additional costs as well? If the school plans ‘trips abroad’ as OP mentions, I doubt these are covered by tuition, rather it’s expected that most parents will be in a financial position to cough up a few extra thousand here and there. And maybe the private school offers more ‘extras’ that are also extra dollars. And you can’t fault the little boy for wanting to join in activities all his school peers are, but this will just increase even more what is provided for one child but not the other.

Post # 221
Member
596 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

plannerpersonality :  yes and the rest of your post said (paraphrasing) ‘private school is really hard the girls might not be able to catch up’

Post # 222
Member
4254 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

jkrista11 :  If your ex is on board with putting your girls into private school, have you looked into the options?  Have your girls toured the school?  Have they shadowed at the school?  Have you asked about scholarship opportunities?  Have you asked about tuition assistance?  Every single private school I know of offers scholarships and/or tuition assistance, you simply have to ask.  My coworker has a daughter who actually got into a very expensive private high school and right off the bat they offered her 40% in tuition assistance.  If this is something you truly want for your children, do your research and find a way to make it possible.  I think you would be surprised at the options that are available to you.

Post # 223
Member
5951 posts
Bee Keeper

GoddessNic :  I do understand that not everyone is on good enough terms to sit down with exes or step parents and talk about stuff, but OP is the biological mother of all 3 children and she’s not insisting her daughter’s be treated equally under the same roof as her son.

Post # 224
Member
974 posts
Busy bee

My children have different fathers but I make sure everything is equal. They have gone to the  same schools and offered the same activities. 

I would not allow my husband to send one child but not another child to private school. I would enroll them all or none. Lay down the law with him. 

Also, he is very misguided in his believe in regards to private school. Private schools often have “teachers” that are not even certified to be teachers. Public schools require their teachers to have teaching certificates. My kids attend a public school with 8:1 ratio, in a good area. My mother is a retired public school administrator, who at one time looked into sending me to a private school. After observing the teacher at the private school, stand at the front of the class and read to the students, she refrained from sending me. She recommends parents save their money and send their children to good universities. 

Post # 225
Member
4254 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

penny1403 :  You are totally misguided with how private schools work, based on one experience.  My school is accredited and requires a teaching license.  99% of private schools are the same way.  You are jaded because of one experience.  I say it again — some private schools are great, some are not-so-great.  Some public schools are great, some are not-so-great.

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