DH sending his little boy to private school.

posted 3 months ago in Relationships
Post # 421
Member
166 posts
Blushing bee

RobbieAndJuliahaha :  I must admit after your kind words I went through and reread some of your comments.  You have only recently remarried.  Your two children and your husband’s daughter and stepson are fully grown. (Your son with his own family and your step-stepson is the same age as your son.) You have one college aged step daughter and one college aged daughter.  Your daughter lives with you full-time and your step-daughter does not.  What do you know about sharing finances in a blended family with a child-support-paying noncustodial parent involved in the mix?

NOTHING!  

Also, I never meant to sound arrogant about my family not having any blended families.  We have had divorces, just no remarriage with young children involved.  I am thinking about how I would feel if my fiancé remarried.  I don’t think anyone is above divorce.  I know that I would hate to have his hypothetical new wife making demands on my children.

What I do think about you is that you are a pontificating phony.  The person you lie to the most is yourself.  I’m pretty sure I hit the nail on the head with how you and your husband have decided to not help any of your grown children financially.  That way you can keep things fair.  It’s pretty easy to talk about how fair you are and to throw stones at people dealing with blending finances and raising young children with four different adults involved when you got married after your kids were grown.  You are such a self-righteous phony.

Post # 422
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Some children will revel in a big, busy place with lots of people . Others might blossom in a small, quiet, school, where everyone is known and nurtured. Whether it’s state or independent is really a consideration.

 From what the OP says she’s really proud of their  girls’ school and  If she’d insisted on sending them private because it’s fair, she’d be doing a huge disservice for her daughters.

 

Post # 423
Member
8646 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

kfen7 :  You are basing that on no evidence at all. OP has even suggested that the girls would likely be receptive to it.

Post # 424
Member
70 posts
Worker bee

weddingmaven :  That’s not saying much. It’s similar to how infants after a certain age don’t need to be fed throughout the night, but if offered, the infant will take it. 

Or say someone offered you a piece of cake. You weren’t looking for it and probably didn’t care, but someone offered, so why not?

All we can go by is what OP said and she has said that the girls are excelling at the school they’re at now and have no interest in switching schools. However I do realize this is conflicting with OP’s first post that claimed the girls were asking why the boy goes to a different school (which doesn’t make sense since he’s starting in the fall).

Post # 425
Member
70 posts
Worker bee

jkrista11 :  OP, if you’re still alive, please come back and shed some light on certain aspects. People are getting quite angry and personal.

Namely the ex (where is the child support going? is there any court orders? does his wife know the girls?), the dynamic of your current household, does your son have any disadvantages that would make private more suited to him?

Post # 426
Member
4573 posts
Honey bee

styjen :  You keep jabbing at the same spot, thinking you hit your target but you’re not even close. I won’t list for you everything we do for our children because you’ll only twist it around into being self-righteous bragging since that’s how you’ve already decided to see me. When you grow up and perhaps grow a heart, perhaps have children of your own, hopefully then you’ll understand how decent parents put their children first and how you can make room in your life and your heart for more children- that’s not high and mighty, it’s actually what I would expect of any kind hearted person.

My posts only stand out to you as being sanctimonious because unfortunately there are many people in this thread who share your p.o.v. that it’s acceptable to treat non-biological kids as ‘less than’, whose hearts are so miserly that they point fingers at those who don’t share their view as being phony and full of themselves, the same type who see volunteer work as only about image and not the act of charity itself. Those who do share my p.o.v. have been so disheartened by the attitudes in this thread, you might see me as phony and self-righteous but I see you and others like you as cold-hearted and self-righteous.

Post # 427
Member
4573 posts
Honey bee

FWIW Our kids may be adults now, but even though DH and I have only been married a year, we lived together before we got married and have been a couple since our youngest were the same age as OP’s eldest daughters. And older Bees on this thread know first hand you don’t stop being an involved parent when your child turns 18.

One more point to add and then I think I’m going to be done. This thread is meaner than the Jen thread- and OP herself seems to have peaced out on us. If she was ever more than a troll to begin with, she didn’t seem very invested in her own thread, typical troll-obtuseness in the spattering of updates. Just stir the pot out of boredom to watch the drama then jog on.

But for those of you who aren’t step-parents or step-children or whose own children have step-parents, maybe if you think of it in terms of mother-in-laws. I know MILs aren’t the same as minor children and the dynamics are different- BUT as a few Bees have put it so well, it’s the MINDSET that’s off with OP’s husband. So maybe I can explain it in terms of MILs that non-step-parents can relate to:

Some Bees have very close relaitonships with their moms and their moms are important figures in their lives. But when you marry your husband, you have to realize that even if your mom’s your mom and always will have a special place in your heart, you can’t treat your husband’s mom as less than, as second tier, second rate. You may love your own mom more, but you can’t, or shouldn’t, blatantly show favouritism over your MIL. You try to do right by both moms.

You don’t enter a marriage with the mindset “I’ve already decided that I’m spending every holiday with my mom” or “My mom will never go in a nursing home, but it’s okay for my MIL” because this simply isn’t fair. When you expand your family, this expansion comes with compromise.

Now individuality matters here, just as it does with children. It’s not necessarily equal, but it should strive to be fair. So maybe you see your mom more than his  because your mom lives 10 minutes away and his mom is a plane ride away. Maybe one mom at 70 is healthy and vibrant and independent while the other mom is in poor health and needs assistance. Maybe sadly for one mom her health has deteriorated to the point (like advanced Alzheimers for example) where around the clock nursing care IS the better option to home care. Maybe one mom has a spouse and the other is widowed or divorced. So no, you don’t have to do exactly the same for each and it might not be a good fit- it’s the MINDSET that you are willing to do the best for each individual. What’s not okay is when favourites are played “If my mom gets old and sick she’s coming to live with us, but we don’t have room for both moms so yours has to go in a nursing home”.

Imagine also, that those who don’t understand that even if your mom is closer to your heart, your heart still has a place for your MIL and that you wouldn’t want to hurt her by showing blatant favouritism .And this is your DH’s mom, the man you love, you shouldn’t want to hurt him or create friction in your relationship by treating his own mom second rate.  So you get accused of being full of yourself because you say ‘of course DH and I see both sets of relatives for Christmas, of course we alternate Thanksgiving and Easters and make sure both moms were involved with the wedding, both moms are part of the grandkids’ lives etc. And people who don’t get this say ‘bullshit, stop pretending, you’re so phony acting like a mom and a MIL should be equal. You probably just put yourself first and aren’t nice to either mom so that’s how it’s equal’

It’s not phoniness, to me it’s just basic decency. And this is one of the things you take on when you marry someone with children.

Post # 428
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee

From the father’s point of view it is not wrong to put his son’s needs and wants before his step kids. If the man only has enought money to send one child for “better” education then he should. He may be morally responsible to take care of the girls’s , which he’s doing, but he’s not legally responsible to make decisions when the bio-father is still in the picture. 

Post # 429
Member
166 posts
Blushing bee

RobbieAndJuliahaha :  Call me a cold hearted bitch, but I’m honest, not a sentimental phony.  In your mom versus mother in law example, I can tell you that I greatly favor my mom to my FMIL. I call my mom several times a day, ny FMIL never.  I want my mom there when I deliver, my FMIL, no thanks.  Likewise, when I do have kids, I’d prefer my mom to stay for a few weeks, FMIL, again no thanks.

You see, the relationship I have with my mom is deep and sincere.  It’s based on many shared experiences.  I like my FMIL, but I’ve only known her for a few years.  I can’t pretend that “my heart has grown” to embrace her like I do the woman who gave birth to and raised me.  Loving my FMIL is my fiance’s job.  And he does.

My fiancé is the one who organizes get togethers and holidays with HIS mom, he’s the one who calls her daily, not me.  And frankly, I’m an agnostic grownup, so I don’t care who we spend Christmas with.  

In other words, i don’t see splitting holidays between parents as a symbol of love or devotion.  So far we’ve done it based on our parents’ schedules.  For me, love is demonstrated with daily acts and thoughts, like calling my mom for a chat about her day. The fact that you think where an adult spends a Thanksgiving signifies love and fairness shows just how shallow your relationships are.

Post # 430
Member
19 posts
Newbee

styjen :  Just because a man is court ordered to pay child support, does not mean that have rights, visitation or take any role in raising the children. My oldest childs dad pays child support monthly, only because he is court ordered to . Last time we went to court, the judge took away all rights he had. He pays child support but not even allowed to call the child. 

My youngest childs dad pays child support. I have full custody, he gets visitation. He has no decision making priveleges in regards to the child we share.

Ultimately in the OP’s situation, The mom of all 3 kids and her husband, primarily have all the children in their care and each one should be offered the same experiences, schooling and opportunities. 

To simplify this, it would be wrong for the mom to say the girls can only get their clothing at Goodwill, but the son can go to Nordstroms because his father feels strongly that clothing can only come from Nordstroms and he can only afford to buy clothing for one at Nordstroms. 

My have never treated my kids differently and I would never allow my significant other to show favortism, even if one was his biologically. 

If I was the OP, I would go home and tell my husband that we are tightening up on all spending because I enrolled all three kids since he felt so strongly that private school is the best. 

Post # 431
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

So, how’s is family holding up?

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