DH sending his little boy to private school.

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
1128 posts
Bumble bee

I would not contribute to my stepson’s private education under these specific circumstances.  It’s not right.  His ex couldn’t afford private school but you can, so you are shelling out for the chosen child while your daughters are just as deserving? 

How will you explain this to your daughters when they are young adults & applying to college etc?  What will your husband’s attitude be about college?

Post # 62
Member
7732 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

We have a blended family- I have a daughter from my first marriage and two from my second husband. It is super weird how you discuss your kids and family. My husband puts the same amount of money aside each month in each of the 3 girls college savings accounts. I would be super pissed if he was only putting away $ for “his” daughters. While my ex doess pay child support and that funds nice extras like my oldest’s expensive sport, my new husband doesnt look at the kids as mine and his. While things don’t have to be EQUAL they do need to be EQUITABLE. If there is only so much money to go around- why does the son get it? 

Post # 64
Member
5970 posts
Bee Keeper

mrsbjj17 :  Blending families 101: Even if you love your biological children more than your step children, you don’t openly SHOW this through favouritism, you make a conscious effort to treat all of the children with the same level of  affection, attention, fairness, and opportunities.

Post # 65
Member
4485 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Have you straight-out asked him why the public school is good enough for your daughters but not good enough for your son? Have you asked him why, if private school is better, that he didn’t suggest it for the girls when they were younger?

As a daughter who watched her younger brother’s activities, sports, and so forth take precedence over mine, I still harbor some resentment toward how my parents handled it. (Same family order – two girls and a boy – but closer in age.) I can’t guarantee how your daughters will see it, but are you and your Darling Husband okay with your daughters feeling second-class or less important?

I don’t know what you should do about private school vs. public school, but I think you need to ask your Darling Husband some hard questions. If you can, stay calm and unemotional when you do it.

Post # 66
Member
739 posts
Busy bee

jkrista11 :  do you not care about how this will affect your daughters? At the very least put the extra money you personally are contributing into your daughters in the form of private tutoring or something. It’s absolutely unbelievable that you’re willing to partially fund your sons private education and leave your daughters high and dry.

I don’t personally believe in private education, the the opportunities your son is getting over your daughters is totally unquantifiable.

Post # 67
Member
686 posts
Busy bee

This is messed up. I just don’t see how this can be okay. It’s favoritism; there’s no getting around that. If you can’t make it work for your daughters, too, then I don’t think the son should get to go.

I also wonder about your husband. Is he favoring the son because of his sex or because that’s his genetic material? Or is it both? My parents showed favoritism to my sibling in some ways, and I definitely resent them for it. Raising kids 101: Treat them fairly.

Post # 68
Member
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

jkrista11 :  I’m confused – shouldn’t this have been a decision that you two made together? Meaning, couldn’t you have put your foot down that you want the children to receive equal education and will not be sending him to private school while your other two children are in public school? 

I do think in general, though, that a PP was right when they say some children have different learning needs. So, for example, if your two girls are thriving in public school it may not make sense to move them to a private school, whereas if your son needs more attention or stimulation it may make sense to start him in a private school environment. Though if that were the case I assume it would have been a part of the original discussion around this…

Post # 70
Member
7464 posts
Busy Beekeeper

jkrista11 :  I really don’t see the big deal if the kids go to different schools. You are happy with the quality of education that your daughters are receiving, they enjoy their school and their friends there….what’s the big deal if their brother goes to a different school? People are acting like the difference is between your son getting everything in the world while your daughters are in some slum school with zero opportunities but it sounds like all the children will have wonderful educations. Private school is not necessarily better for every kid in every situation. 

Post # 71
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

ariesscientist :  still, not current husband’s responsibility. The girls still have their own dad. Current husband has not adopted them. He does not have to play “fair”. The mom has to… 

If you want to look at it from a “everything must be FAIR” perspective, then it would be unfair for the son. Because then, OP’s daughters will have not only the full support from her current husband, but ALSO from the ex-husband. OP’s son will only have support from his dad. 

See, you can never be 100% fair. Sucks but that’s life…

Post # 72
Member
6430 posts
Bee Keeper

jkrista11 :  Personally I think your title is odd, his son?  He’s your son as well and you most definitely have a say in his education, regardless of who is paying it.  As for your daughters if they are happy where they, let them stay there.  I can 100% say that if a child is happy where they are, don’t change that and make them go somewhere else.  As for private school education my first is going to a private school most likely for the first two years of her education history, however our second will not because of the age difference, and we will be moving to another state.  

So does that mean I love my first more important than my second?  No it’s just circumstantial.  So yes, your son is getting a better education than your daughters because of circumstance and unfairness, but if this wasn’t discussed prior to marriage, I’m guessing your husband figured your ex h would be taking care of the education costs (with you) for his biological daughters.  5 years ago one of them was 4 and the other was 7.  Meaning your eldest was already settled into a school system that your current Darling Husband had no say in.  And the other one would have just started possibly.

So I would see how long he plans on sending “his” boy to private school and if it’s something that bothers you financially then bring it up again. Private school costs can be expensive so that’s something worth talking about instead of my girls are getting less of an education.  I had a great education at public school so private v. public isn’t the issue right now but the money.

Post # 73
Member
4058 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

This is the kind of shit they’ll be discussing in therapy in ten years. But you seem pretty content to insist they’re ok (because 9 year-olds obviously have the foresight and maturity to understand the situation and make a decision), so not sure what you’re looking for.

I’m a little confused as to whether the son is biologicaly yours. If not, what would happen if you two had a child together? Because I have a strong feeling your husband would magically find the money to send that kid.

Post # 74
Member
686 posts
Busy bee

LadyBear :  This reminds me of my cousins a little bit. The male one was doted on, and his parents went to all of his games. The female one also played sports, but her father rarely showed up to her games, didn’t take an interest, and both parents kind of ignored her until she got older, and my aunt started physically and verbally abusing her. Meanwhile, the son coasted through life with everything paid for and could do no wrong. The male cousin became a joint partner in his father’s business, and the female cousin is a trainwreck. 

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