DH sneaks dogs table scraps, feel undermined. Is it a big deal?

posted 11 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
959 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

100% agree that both people need to be on the same page and agree whether its how to feed your dog or raise your kids…

However, here you are just making the rules and saying this is how it is and expecting him to agree or otherwise hes disobeying you or undermining you?… thats not being on the same page thats your bossing him around and doing things your way.

 

Post # 17
Member
712 posts
Busy bee

To me its a big deal; I take dog training and behavior very seriously.

With that said, we have had numerous conversations around how we want to train the dog, what behaviours we want to inforce and what ones we want to mitigate. You need to have these conversations BEFORE they arrise with the dog (or child), make sure you are on the same page, and hold each other accountable for reinforcing it. You cant get pissy at each other for calling each over out on ‘caving’ to the dogs. I know puppy eyes are hard to resist.

Post # 18
Member
1832 posts
Buzzing bee

sboom :  You might be right. I guess I am a bit sensitive to the way in which woman talk about their children. I so much so want us to move towards men stepping up and parenting just as much as woman do. A woman just yesterday posted a question on the boards about, should she “let” her husband take care of their 2 month old for a few days while she is away. That really annoyed me. That is precicesly why men still don’t feel any ownership of their own kids. Men should be just as responsible for changing the diapers, taking the crying baby and calming them etc. So when a woman makes a comment that sounds like she gets to just make all the choices about the baby because it is HERS. it just riles me up a bit. Her comment about her baby and candy just sounded like her thinking she owned all choices about the baby and i was annoyed lol. 

Post # 19
Member
7692 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

1) I never feed my dogs from the table. That’s just asking for bad manners from them.

2) Your husband sneaking your hypothetical future child a lollipop is light years away from helping them ditch school for a month. 

I think you have some skewed views on parenting based on what you witnessed as a child.

Post # 20
Member
3090 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

ladyjane123 :  I see what you’re saying.

That post you referenced about the 2 month old, though, I assumed it wasn’t a matter of her not being sure whether to trust the father with their infant, I assumed it was more about can a mother responsibly be away from her newborn at that age. There are biological factors in play at that age.

Post # 21
Member
11 posts
Newbee

You need to be on the same page with him for your pets and any future kids. Obviously he doesn’t agree with your rule about table scraps and you need to come to some kind of agreement with him on it ( maybe the dogs don’t get scraps at the table but he can put them in the dish when he is done, or no scraps at all but if you don’t like them on the furniture you let that one go). Just because you have a rule for something doesn’t mean he agrees with it and that is the real issue.

Personally, I give my dogs scraps but teach them appropriate boundaries so their begging isn’t out of control.

Post # 22
Member
1823 posts
Buzzing bee

I understand your concerns and I agree when it comes to children.

But if the dogs were his before he met you, he can do whatever he wants with them.

Post # 23
Member
3515 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

I think you’re being oversensitive based on your childhood experiences. Yes parents need to be on the same page but tiny scraps to the dog isn’t nearly the same as him undermining all your parenting decisions in the future. 

SO and I have a “no scraps” policy for our pup because we HATE begging dogs. When we’re eating, he is laying down. He does not get to be in the kitchen while we prepare food and does not get to run in to pick up food we drop. But he loves lettuce and we love giving him tiny pieces of different veggies to try so we will let him come get a piece of food while we prep but we make him practice a trick first and he takes it out of the room to eat. Occasionally we’ll give him a tiny bit of something we’re snacking on in the living room but that’s because we are consistent enough with everything else to know that this wont derail his training.

I’d pick your battles here. If he does it consistently and its affecting the dogs health and behavior, it would be worth an argument. If it’s rare and he’s giving pup healthy-ish things, is it really worth it? The rules you make for your family have to be agreed upon by both partners, one person doesn’t get to unilaterally make rules that the other has to follow (not saying this happened). Obviously your SO feels the rule is a little too strict, so maybe a compromise can be found. Maybe the pup only gets scraps in his/her dish when you’re not currently eating, maybe pup only gets fruits or veggies, etc.

Post # 24
Member
14882 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Have you discussed the rules with him and was he on board?  Was there an agreement on it?

My husband had dogs growing up and I did not.  If it were up to me, my dog would probably be spoiled rotten and end up totally misbehaved cause I would have gave him food from my plate/at the table… cause, well he wants it so why not since I didnt know better.  But my husbands rule is to never give him food at the table/from our plate while we are eating… and he explained it as it just encouraging begging and bad behavior.  After we finish, we can put the left overs in his dish or give him the plate to clean up.  Not knowng any better on having a dog, I aceept this rule and followed it.  If you’ve never discussed and only dicated and he doesnt agree, then that’s the problem.  You don’t get to just dictate a rule to another adult and expect it to be followed just like that.  There’s two people in this relationship/household.

Post # 25
Member
2356 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t think you’re overreacting.  

If he truly has an issue with the “no table scraps” rule, he should discuss it with you, not undermine you.  He’s setting up a bad dynamic where there’s inconstent discipline, and it’s also confusing to pets (and kids) when one parent allows/encourages a behavior that the other parent prohibits.  

Post # 26
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2019

anonagrsta :  This is not overreacting.  My dad constantly fed my dogs table scraps growing up.  He basically trained the dogs to expect treats when they came inside because he got in the habit of giving it to them.  He fed my one dog General Tso’s hot chicken, and she was literally bleeding out both ends! (That was just immensely stupid).  Toward the end of her life, she developed diabetes, and my mom had to give her insulin shots twice a day (which the dog and my mom hated) and her meals were much more limited.  She could not control her bladder and peed in the house (very unlike her) nearly every day.  She had to wear a belly band so we didn’t have to clean the carpets every day.  At the very end she was unable to walk, and we had to support her with a band under her belly to help her even walk outside to pee, and she was a bigger dog, too.

Our new dog has never been given table scraps or treats, and he is so much better behaved and doesn’t beg for food!  And he will be a nice skinny size since he only eats at his meals and gets lots of exercise!

Please show this to your Darling Husband, for the dog’s sake.  No one wants to take care of a diabetic dog.  Not saying that would happen to your fur babies but you can never be too careful!  Even though the dogs adorably beg for food, you have to be the stronger one and not give in!

Post # 27
Member
9638 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

That creates obnoxious beggar dogs with zero manners so yeah, Id be pissed. Not to mention a lot of dogs stomachs cant handle it.

Post # 28
Member
733 posts
Busy bee

“So I feel like disrespected when I told Darling Husband not to feed the chihuahuas table scraps and he did so when I wasn’t looking. Not only is it unhealthy but the principle is that he knows I’m serious about it and occasionally does it anyway”

Did you come up with this rule together or did you just tell him how it was going to be? If you came up with the rule together, he needs to follow through. If he’s changed his mind for some reason, he needs to step up and discuss it with you.

But it feels like you TOLD him how it was going to be, and now you’re annoyed that he isn’t just following along. Maybe he doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal. Maybe you’ve read more research about why it’s unhealthy and you can share that with him to get him on board. But you don’t get to set the rules unilaterally without his input and then enforce them like you’re his parent.

Same goes for parenting.

When my oldest niece was born, my sil was doing this left and right. She had a million rules that were not discussable, even if my brother felt strongly about them. She was a dictator. So my brother did start going behind her back and ignoring “the rules” because he didn’t buy into them. Eventually she had to cave and take his input because she realized it was better to compromise and know what was going on than to be encouraging her husband to do things behind her back.

In a partnership, you have to treat the other person like your partner. If you disagree, you have to earn their buy-in or compromise.

In this situation, I would show him all of the information that says why dogs shouldn’t be fed table scraps. Hopefully he will agree with you after having all of the facts and he will stop doing it. If he doesn’t, come up with something you can both live with. They only get table scraps X times a week/month/year and it can only be X type of food.

Post # 29
Member
9648 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

 

I agree with PP’s that since he’s your partner the two of you should come up with rules for dogs and kids together.  Breaking those would for sure be undermining though.  What your dad did was really not cool.  What he did I guess was undermining you but it’s just as wrong as you telling him how its gonna be with your joint charges.

If he were a babysitter, nanny, parent (of yours or his), sibling, etc.. i’d be 100% on your side.

Post # 30
Member
944 posts
Busy bee

I think its ridiculous that you are equating feeding table scraps to a dog to how he will parent a child. Children are human and dogs are not. Different creatures, different rules. I wouldnt let a dog eat off of my spoon, but I would let my child. I would let me dog eat off the floor but not my child. See how that works. Its apples and oranges. 

Unless you and he came to a unilateral agreement on table scraps, then I think you are overreacting. Also you come across as bossy and well quite frankly a little holier than thou. A child belongs to both parents. You dont have the final say so. Your post implies that you make the rules and he is just suppose to go along because you say so. That doesnt usually go over well with anyone. 

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