(Closed) DH SUPER heavy sleeper, causing some issues

posted 3 years ago in Parenting
Post # 16
Member
6902 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I’m a very light sleeper (like have to use earplugs and eye covers or everything startles me awake through the night). My husband is part Zombie and sleeps very deeply. I also breastfed for an extended time and did most of the night time wake ups. It wasn’t great for our relationship or my feelings toward him, tbh. Something I’ve learned is that you probably shouldn’t believe anything either of you says (or thinks) in the heat of the moment for the first three years of a child’s life.

There are some great resources for helping your baby learn to sleep better so that you’re not looking at months on months of interrupted sleep while your husband snores away, but like a PP said, I’d just prepare to be the main one doing the nighttime wake ups or find a schedule that you agree to (and be willing to shake him awake). I know something that used to piss me off was to be laying there, listening to the baby fuss, and knowing that his father was either still asleep (which made me mad) or slightly awake but waiting for me to get up and deal with the baby (which made me even madder!)

He does pretty much all of the cooking and many other household chores so it’s not like he wasn’t doing anything or I was doing everything entirely by myself. But sleep deprivation ignites a murderous rage in me so I didn’t care about any of that!

Post # 17
Member
4057 posts
Honey bee

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NowMrsS :  My husband isn’t necessarily a heavy sleeper, but he has a very difficult time actually getting up (snooze button is his BFF). We have a 15 month old and honestly, my husband never ever hears him, and I’m on my own in the middle of the night. He did help when he was a newborn, because we had a system going where we would alternate dealing with the wakeups. After a few months middle of the night stuff is greatly reduced, and you probably will be fine not having his help. At least, I’ve made it 14 out of 15 months without it and I still get a full night’s sleep. 

Has he ever tried one of those bracelets that vibrates to wake him up? I think fitbits have this feature. It might work, and if it still takes him a while, at least its not a blaring noise you have to hear for 15 min at time.

Post # 18
Member
4253 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

My husband did not develop better hearing after kids, lol.  And he is still a heavy sleeper.  After kids I became the lightest sleeper ever.  I can wake up at the sound of them sniffling.  I do all the night time stuff for the most part anyway, but there have been nights where I have decided I am done or just to tired to go on, so I just shake him awake and tell him he needs to take a turn.  It has worked fine for us, as he doesn’t not wake up on purpose.  He just needs help waking up when I need help.

Post # 19
Member
9763 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Once in the middle of the night I set our screaming infant down right next to DH’s head so I could pee or something, and he never woke up lol.

I breastfed so I did most of the night wakeups anyway, but I would have had to yell or shake Darling Husband awake most of the time. He’s just a heavy sleeper. That being said, he picked up more than his share of duties during the day so I really have no complaints.

Post # 20
Member
1252 posts
Bumble bee

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NowMrsS :  

My Darling Husband is the same way he will miss his alarms, I too was worried about this but in all honesty my Darling Husband would be the one working so he needs to sleep more than I do.

We will work it out, I’m sure he will be actively involved.

Post # 21
Member
2992 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Darling Husband has slept through 5.0+ magnitude earthquakes, me running the vacuum cleaner mere feet from his head to clean up an emergency spill, coyotes howling in our backyard at all hours of the night, and yes, Dear Daughter crying and me trying to shake him awake for help because I have the flu and feel like I’m literally dying. I haven’t gotten more than 4 hours of sleep in the last six months and I doubt I’ll be getting more until Dear Daughter is in preschool. 

You will be on 24/7 with your baby and get no overnight help (hell, or much meaningful help with the baby at all) with a heavy sleeper. As long as this is your expectation and you start coming up with strategies to deal with his lack of support on your own you will be okay.

I’ve personally found it helpful to read resources for single mothers and implement some of the tips (just focus on basic survival and don’t worry about the nonessentials, carve out time for self care, get out there and try to meet other moms in your area, realize that you are stronger than you give yourself credit for and think positive, know that this is just a season in life and it will pass). 

Darling Husband, like TwilightRarity’s H, does all of the cooking and home improvement projects and 90% of the chores as well as bringing home all of the income so he really is great. I don’t resent him. I just wish I had more sleep and time to take a bath. 

Post # 22
Member
433 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

My Darling Husband could sleep through anything. It def doesn’t change just b/c there will be a baby. 

Post # 23
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

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NowMrsS :  A nurse leading a class I took said that her husband was a heavy sleeper before their 1st baby was born but, he did a lot of skin to skin time with the baby in the beginning and he easily wakes for the baby now. I had hoped the same thing might work for my husband but, I don’t think he logged enough hours of skin to skin time to have that effect so, he still sleeps unless I wake him.

Post # 24
Member
1524 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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NowMrsS :  I have a 6-week-old so I completely understand your frustration.  I do agree with a PP though that if you plan on breastfeeding, you’re going to wake up every single time anyway.  Even if your husband was a super light sleeper and he does wake up, you will still have to get up at some point as your aching boobs will wake you up to do something about it, either pump or nurse.  

This is especially true in the beginning before your supply is established and/or baby settles into a feeding routine, when he’s going to be nursing almost literally around the clock, like 45 minutes every 90 minutes or something ridiculous like that.  That is some very bleak math in terms of our sleep! 😞 

Long story short so I figured if I’m waking up at night anyway, no point in both of us being miserable as some sort of on-principle thing. So like a lot of PPs I just adjusted my expectations that I do nighttime wakings. Adjusting your expectations, truly adjusting them, is essential to cut down on resentment.  After a while your body adjusts (somewhat)–Nowadays I feel amazing after 2 hours of consecutive sleep, functional after 45 mins to an hour.

I’ve actually come to ENJOY being the only one to get up at night with bubs, because I have a bunch of family that are there a lot, and while I do like having the help, nighttime is my special time when I get to have bubs all to myself. I get to do things like nursing him and posting at 5 am on Weddingbee by typing on the phone with one hand and caressing his soft little fuzzy head with my other hand! 

On particularly rough nights I’ll shake my husband awake and ask for help. I had a c-section so I had to do that for ALL nighttime wakings the first couple of weeks because I’d need him to pick up and change the baby and hand him to me (I never figured out the side-lying position I think cuz my boobs are too small). I did that because it took me a long time to maneuver getting up from a lying-down position without pain. 

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