(Closed) Dh teenage son did not attend wedding…what to do now?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

I think phone calls and visits one on one would help him know he is still loved. If you ignore him, I think that reinforces that he’s “unloved,” and “unnoticed” even if it isn’t a logical conclusion. 

Post # 4
Member
5959 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Teenagers are tricky things, unfortunatley there’s an unknown and uncontrollable element in the ex-wife and maybe the son is feeling a little pressure/guilt about getting close to you because of her….it might be a loyalty thing, who knows.  If it were me, and I have two teenaged step kids, I would keep the door open, keep inviting him to things and not take it personally if he doesn’t come or respond.  Some people just need more time to get used to new things….just follow your heart.

Post # 5
Member
2077 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@pocketful_of_flowers:  That’s a tough situation.  I’m sorry you’re going through it.  I would still make the frames with his girls to take to college- I don’t see the harm in doing that.

If I were in your shoes, I’d still invite his son to family outings and things to do together, to continue to form a relationship (but try not to bombard him with messages every day).  Being 14 is tough in itself, it sounds like he just needs some time to get adjusted to everything.  Try not to hold it against him that he didn’t come to the wedding, I’m sure he had lots of different emotions about the day.

Post # 6
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@StuporDuck:  

@Nona99:  

@LindsayMaree:  

Agreed. Keep reaching out to him and maybe one day he’ll come around and realize that he should have been there for his dad. Keep including him. Don’t pull away.

Post # 7
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

First of all, the contact should be done over the phone or in person. Online or text messages are too impersonal to be using of you’re trying to build a relationship with a kid. It also sounds like he’s testing you. Darling Husband needs to show up more for this kid. Even when the kid resists. He’s looking to be fought for. Be persistent. 

Post # 9
Member
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

frame the pics as planned. and keep reaching out to him, although I think your husband should do more of the reaching and encouraging while you simply be welcoming.

Post # 11
Member
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

ahh ok, well in that case I think you should keep reaching out, but not in an overbearing way. its hard to find that line. I’ll admit I don’t take well with Mom’s boyfriends either so I’m trying to see how he could make better with me. I suppose the biggest thing  was I hhhhhated the affection from him to my mom- effing sick as shit (sorry, I know you love him but I HATED that). Honestly I could have liked him more if they laid off eachother and paid more attention to me.

 

hmmm that was enlightening! haha.

Post # 13
Member
1330 posts
Bumble bee

Any chance that the mom is behind this drama? Is she remarried? MY BFF went through this a month ago with her Hubs ex and his kids. The mother called to say they weren’t goin to come, but then she did drop them of and they were fine. THEN we find out that the mother was brainwashing them, telling them the dad wont want them anymore…doesnt need them…has a new family.

This happens a lot-the other parent fears the ex is presenting a more stable home life and/or is jealous and tries to manipulate the kids. It sounds like the kisd get manipulated a lot-allowing a kid to do drugs and drink is buying affections through being cool or a buddy…

Also, the son may be secretly crying out for help and is taking out the lack of love and real parenting he is receiving at his mothers on you–also not fair. I would suggest counselling for the new family if at all possible and also  keep lines of communication open..email, text, phone calls, etc.

Good luck!!

Post # 15
Member
2077 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@pocketful_of_flowers:  “…I don’t know if I have the mental strength to handle his son…”  Yikes, I hope he isn’t picking this vibe up from you or heard you say something like that.  I understand that having a houseful of children is tough, but letting your husband’s son go by the wayside is wrong and so hurtful, no matter the reasons.  He is now part of your family, it’ll make both of your lives so much easier if you accept him into your home with open arms.  He’s 14 years old, now is the time to make sure you keep him included, not push him away.

ETA-  I don’t agree with the others who are insisting that you make the effort to call him.  Kids use e-mail and texting more than they use the phone.  I don’t see any reason to start calling him if he isn’t comfortable with it.

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