(Closed) DH told me to shut up…

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
7800 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I think saying that HE shouldn’t have used that language while barely acknowledging your use of the F word with your kids is a bit dense. You both should probably work on your communication style though. If you were already sitting in a parking lot why not just go over the directions and lay it out? I would be frustrated being told everything I was doing is wrong (even if it is), and I would be frustrated getting snapped at for trying to help. 

Post # 3
2036 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

You two communicate like asses.  I’m assuming at least one of you has a smart phone of some kind or am I making an ass of myself?  Either way, google maps is your friend.  Get counseling if you two can’t figure out how to talk to each other.

Post # 4
5052 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
lemonglass :  

Your poor kids. Have you fought like this before? You continued to push his buttons when you knew he was agitated, you were both participants in this fight.

My husband is quick to anger, I remember one time there was something with my car and he had a nasty attitude with me (I don’t remember what was said) and I followed him out and told him not to speak to me that way. I tell him that whenever he’s taking his anger out on me, to knock it off.

You need to pick your battles, he was already pissed off and you kept at him because you were pissed off too. You were both in the wrong.

In the future, I would just hold my tounge when I see that he’s pissy because nothing good can come from me being pissed off as well.

I hope you don’t fight in front of your kids often, I can’t imagine the tension in the car that they felt

Post # 5
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I think you both need to let it go rather than still trying to analyze the situation for who was more to blame. It was a stressful situation, tensions got high, you both acted childishly. Work on better communication in the future. Use Waze. 

Post # 6
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

You started it, you escalated it.  You owe him an apology just as much as he owes you one.  Both of you are setting a terrible example for your kids.  I hate a backseat driver, too; most people do.

You need to choose which you prefer in your marriage – being “right” or being happy.

Post # 7
644 posts
Busy bee

You were trying to help, and he drastically overreacted.  The problem was exacerbated when you let the F bomb fly, then blown up when he told you to shut the hell up.  

The two of you don’t have a healthy communication style at all, or at least that’s how it seems.  He should be willing to take your opinion into account without shutting you down in anger.  You should be able to have discussions with him without feeling so steamrolled that you cry.  

I would say that 70% of the blame is with your husband here.  The other 30% is with you for escalating an already stressful situation.  He needs anger management counseling, and soon.  There is absolutely no reason to blow up and get frustrated like that, and the fact that it’s enough of a pattern that you tend to shut down and cower when it’s happening is not good.  NOT healthy.  

Post # 8
5168 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

I really don’t think you can be this upset at him telling you to “shut up” when it was in response to you shouting “where the F are you going?”

You were constantly snapping at him, so I can understand why he asked you to just let him figure it out.  Sometimes when you’re driving and trying to get your bearings it is distracting to have someone going on and on at you, he told you this and you still kept on at him.  

It is pretty selfish to think you deserved an apology but he didn’t deserve one for the way you talked to him. 

Post # 9
825 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

While I don’t think he was right for speaking to you that way or yelling at you, you were both in the wrong here. Driving can be stressful and it is even more stressful when you have someone nagging at you about every little thing you are doing. It isn’t helpful. I get very agitated and stressed when my husband ‘backseat drives’ when I am trying to drive and concentrate. You kept at him and then swore at him. I think in his position I would have snapped at you as well. I think it’s fair that you both apologise.

Post # 10
1424 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Gee honey you’re right, sorry for being so picky, but I take this road everyday, can we pull over and talk about this? I can see you’re upset and I want to work it out with you (said totally calm and cool). 

That sounds a lot better than, ‘where the f are you going?’ 

It’s a running joke with fi that he gets lost all the time. 

Let’s practice quick to anger quick to forgive. You were both wrong here. I would let bygones be bygones but it doesnt hurt to say, ‘Im really sorry we fought the other day, it really hurts me to argue in front of the kids. Next time we disagree, do you think it would be better if we pulled over and talked it out like adults?’ – asking for compromise and telling him it pains you instead of putting all the burden on him. 

Good luck. 

Post # 11
5002 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
lemonglass :  you got to the point that you swore at him so I’m certain the lead up to.that point was not you talking and giving him directions calmly…. 

OP, you both behaved badly here. I don’t see why him telling you to shut up after you swore at him  required more of an apology then your swearing? You both behaved badly here but I personally hate back seat drivers….I probably would have told you to shut up too because nothing worse than trying to get your bearings and having someone telling at you that you’re wrong and to do this that or the other. If you want to direct the road to take… You drive! It’s that simple!!

OP, if it takes ten minutes more or ten minute’s less to get to your destination, its better to do it with calmness and in one piece. A tense driver makes them more open to making mistakes and having an accident. Next time be quiet and let him drive how he wants even if it takes you longer to reach your destination. You yelling and swearing did not help an already confusing situation. 

Post # 12
763 posts
Busy bee

On the one hand, I hate when my boyfriend acts as the backseat driver, and I have on a few occasions gotten short with him and said, “If you don’t like my driving then you’re welcome to drive.” But that is because I know he doesn’t like to drive, so it bugs me that he wants me to drive but is also compelled to comment. That said, his comments are usually about obvious things (like telling me to watch out for a guy clearly visible in the crosswalk). I wouldn’t get annoyed if I was making wrong turns and he offered directions.

I’m guessing your husband is one of those guys who has to drive, and your suggestions were a challenge to his Man Navigation skills. He was likely embarrassed about looking lost and incompetent. That doesn’t excuse him being rude to you for offering directions; he was being overly sensitive. Your comment of “Where the F are you going?” wasn’t constructive though, so I think you would both benefit from working on your tempers in the car. 

Post # 13
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I would’ve gotten frustrated with him too. He was acting like a child (“Don’t tell me what to do, I do what I want”) and had to know better than you even though you clearly knew the area better than he did. I don’t know think you should be expected to just shut up and let him take you on a wild goose chase and have attitude with you because he doesn’t know where he is and you do. It sounds to me like an internalized macho issue where he has to be in control and can’t take direction from a woman. Therapy? 

Post # 15
435 posts
Helper bee

Why do you think it’s ok for you to be snappy and nasty to him, but not for him to be that way with you? You both were in the wrong here.

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