DH told me to shut up…

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Post # 181
10454 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

lemonglass :  

Bee, here’s what you’re not getting.  Yes, you have to tell him what you want.  And with specificity.  People can’t crack your code.  Men typically have a harder time reading non verbal cues and picking up on subtext.

You’re telling him: yeah, go ahead.  You really mean:  go ahead stupid asshole.  I’ll just carry on with poopy diapers because my illness clearly DOESN’T MATTER. Hopefully, I’ll still be alive to make dinner.

You’re poisoning your own well, Bee.

Many men are more inclined towards acts of service than they are towards prattling a lot of mushy stuff. And there is no feeling on earth a man likes more than feeling appreciated.

 But, you are so locked into your pattern that if your husband came to you with the million he won in the lottery and gifted you with your dream car, you would get on him for cussing at you last Tuesday.

I know you don’t like the idea that you have to tell him what you want. You want him to just know.  On some planets, in some galaxies, it probably works just that way.  But for now, as an earthling, you would do well to stop fighting the idea that you have to step up and say what you need.  That’s just Real Life.  You’re setting up brawl after brawl.  You get something into your head that you want from your husband, who is completely clueless.  So, of course, you don’t get what it was that you wanted and you are livid: That asshole!  Can’t he even change a diaper?  I shouldn’t be doing this, I’m sick.

And, just like that, the gloves are off.

On the topic of your husband not being sympathetic/nurturing/concerned/helpful, or whatever you wanted him to be—it’s not really clear; be aware that not everyone does sick the same way.  Some people need to take to their beds and be doted on.  Others just want to be left the hell alone until they feel human again.  Sometimes, it changes by the hour.  And somehow, your husband is supposed to employ telepathy?

Again, I am not defending your husband.  He sounds dreadful.  But you two are locked a toxic cycle that will just continue growing.  You’ll ultimately find yourselves resigned to a marriage full of affairs and abuse.  That’s where you two are heading.

And also again, this not a problem you can fix by yourselves.  You really need a therapist to help you and get that crazy cycle disrupted.

It’s great that you’re reading and recognize your unhealthy behaviors.  It’s a place to start.  What will you do next? Tomorrow?


Post # 182
4495 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

lemonglass :  When hes sick I wait on him hand and foot. I would never make him watch the kids and go to the store while I masturbated. I think its selfish. 

You didn’t allow him to go to the store because you pre judged that he wasn’t capable of getting groceries. So he wasn’t making you go to the store sick. You were making yourself go to the store sick and blaming him for your choices.

I also suspect that you don’t go with the flow and want him to do everything exactly as you want them done and then berate him for doing it differently that what you would. Honestly is it that big a deal if he gets a different brand of toilet paper or buys five extra carrots and leaves off the tomato and sub’s it out for cucumbers for the sakad instead??! 

OP, you purposely push his buttons and you’ve proved it by your last update. You are also passive aggressive in your behaviour. You play the martyr well. You  play games, you test him by doing stuff like the litter box and grocery shopping and go if he loves me he will read my mind and if he doesn’t get my hints he’s an asshole. Guys are generally more concrete that that and they don’t understand your non direct messages and testing them by expecting tgem to be a mind reader is unfair. If you want the litter box cleaned ASAP you need to say

‘ I’m in pain, can you clean the litter box now because it’s full and kitty won’t use it dirty?’ or ‘ I’m feeling sick can you go to the grocery store? Here the list but feel free to get what you want as a substitute. The important thing is that we have food for the next few days.’ 

You basically go round in circles in hope that he gets your hidden messages. That is terrible communication and you are just as guilty of doing negative things as your husband. You basically tell him all his faults in one big list during an argument and understandably he gets upset. Nobody wants to hear a long list of bad things about themselves and I can understand him saying stuff like ‘I’m an asshole then’ and stonewalling you on the conversation.

I don’t think he’s a bad guy and I don’t think your a bad Lady but I think you both suck at communicating in a healthy way. You both try to communicate by pushing each others buttons and that never works. He loves you OP because  he is willing to go to counselling with you and it doesn’t sound like he’s the type of person who would normally seek out help from others to deal with issues.You need to Stop giving him such a hard time on things that you are none to flash at yourself. For counselling to work you need to do some looking inside yourself too, OP. At the moment you are blaming him fir everything and not acknowledging your part in this. You basically approach him by being a red rag to his bull and he then does the same back to you and you end up being two enraged bulls. 😟

OP, you were majorly wrong today. You got angry at him for him not reading your mind or taking your ‘I’m fine enough to shop’ at face value. If your unwell and you want him to shop and look after the kids, you need to tell him that because he probably thought you were a little unwell but OK enough to continue with normal activities because that is what you projected when you decided to play the martyr game and test his love by expecting him to read your mind. 

Post # 183
1184 posts
Bumble bee

Just stop being passive aggressive and start treating eachother with respect. I think you need therapy to gain an objective third party point of view xo

Post # 184
5216 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

It’s not often that we see someone come to a realization after so many pages and comments. Op, it actually says a lot about you that you took what we said and considered it, it’s not easy to see fault in ourselves and accept that we played a part in the problem.

This thread has done a complete 180 for me, while your husband is part of the problem, if you get therapy on your own, you can help yourself and your kids.

I’m rooting for you!

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