Post # 106
Sunfire : I understand what you’re saying. He obviously has good qualities. He’s a hard worker and we get along great sometimes. He’s helpful with the kids and always let’s me rest if I need to. Because he works hard at some things I think he feels like he can be lazy with others. And I do tend to be passive aggressive because I want so badly for him to PAY ATTENTION to me and notice that I need help. He never notices when I am struggling with something. Hes just not an attentive partner at all. With anything. I am focusing on what he does in this post rather than what I do because I spend a lot of time trying to make sure he knows that I value him and appreciate him. I guess what I’m saying is that I feel I have more of an excuse for my poor behavior than he does for his, because his is far more often and I put so much more effort into trying to make him happy. Making me happy is not on his priority list. It’s more like “do the bare minimum to keep her off my back”
Post # 107
The things that bother me the most are his temper and lack of compassion. And refusal to learn to communicate. I know I’m not perfect but I want to learn to be better. I dont hate everything about him. But I feel overwhelmed by him and just like I don’t have the willpower to keep trying because it just cycles over and over and we never make any progress.
There are things that I’ve begged him not to do that just hurt me terrible, like stonewalling. But he does it anyway. I could be pouring my heart out to him about our relationship and putting everything I have into trying to express my desire to work through things, literally baring my soul, and he will only hear the negative things I say about him and use that as an excuse to cop an attitude and ignore me.
Post # 108
lemonglass : I understand. And his stonewalling behavior is extremely destructive, I can see that. His behavior is driving you to worse behavior, you are bringing out the worst in each other. Stonewalling can ruin a relationship, because he shuts down and won’t talk to you.
Something that may help is to back off a little bit and try changing your tactics. A rule of thumb in life that really works is to ignore what you want to diminish and pay attention to what you want to increase. In other words, any little thing he does for you that makes you feel happy and loved tell him how much you appreciate it. He needs to realize your love language, and you need to also figure out his.
I hope you can make your marriage work in a more healthy way, if you still love him and want it to work. More than anything, stop all the fighting, though. That is wearing you down. If he doesn’t want to improve your marriage you may need to really consider a separation. Counseling would be a good idea, if he would agree, but if he won’t agree you should get some for yourself.
Don’t let him drag you down, stay strong. Your life can get better. I had to leave my abusive ex-husband and now I’m married to the love of my life. He isn’t perfect but he’s perfect for me. I hope you can find someone who really loves you the way you deserve to be loved.
Post # 109
Sunfire : Thank you. I have a lot to think about and process. I’d like to think there’s a way to save our marriage but I cant do it by myself.
Post # 110
lemonglass : You guys need therapy. And I would say you dropping the F bomb was above and beyond worse than him telling you to “shut the hell up”.
Post # 111
lemonglass : I have not read the updates, so if I am out of line I apologize. I just read the original post.
Post # 112
Maybe he was so emotionally numb himself, a litter box that day wasn’t a priority on his mind. When I️ am extremely anxious or upset, I️ sometimes can’t focus on any chores and only force myself to barely focus on absolute necessities. No matter how bad litter box is, if I️ am in a very anxious state of mind, it’s not critical. Maybe he didn’t realize how much pain she was in. Maybe he thought cleaning the litter box is not a labor intensive chore and she is ok doing it. Idk.
But myself I️ know how hard a loss is. And guys play as they are tough sometimes. My Darling Husband def has a tough man mask on but inside he was devastated. Cleaning the house or doing daily chores was impossible for either of us at that time. (Non essential ones)
Post # 113
- Wedding: June 2019 - Home
Honestly I think your in the wrong here, no one likes to be told where to drive by someone in the side seat, ita dds to the stress of driving. In that situation I would have polity asked if he would like to be directed because I am familiar with the area, if he declined I would just do my own thing on my phone and let him do his thing without being a distraction.
Post # 115
I think this is so right . Men seem to need to go the stupidest ways to places, insisting their way has the least lights and ignoring the fact that it actually 5 k farther or whatever. And they won’t be told or even gently advised as it apparently affects their manhood.
lemonglass : Yes it was not a nice scene and yes it probably upset the kids a bit , but idk that it’s that big a deal, so don’t beat yourself up over it . Keep your powder dry for a battle you can win , lol
Post # 116
I don’t know how bee can judge if you’re only listening one side of the story? Genuinely curious..
Anyway only based on the car story, yes you’re both in the wrong here. My Darling Husband is also weird when driving. He better get lost rather than asking for direction lol. I think it’s just his ego so while it’s make me crazy, I would just let it go..
Post # 117
There is clearly a lot more going on here than one fractious car journey…. have you considered couples counselling?
Post # 118
I stopped reading updates after page 6, but one thing that I wanted to touch on was the concept of respect. Your husband wants you to respect him as an authority not as an equal or a person. You as a couple need to change that dynamic so he sees you as an equal. his cocmment that going to therapy will change him is just him saying that he is right, you are wrong, and you need to change not him. It’s not about changing, it’s about communicating more effectively. He is afraid of not being the authority anymore, and that is threatening to his manhood. There is definitely more to this than just an argument in the car. If I were in your situation, I would not be in that marriage anymore. My husband is not an authority over me, and I will not let him treat me as such
Post # 119
- Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI
I think you should apologize to him. I’d have been really upset if someone nagged and bossed me like that while I was driving. If you knew the area, you drive. Other wise let him find his way if he wants. After the first “I got this” comment I would have just let him make his mistakes. He’d have figured it out eventually. Maybe he was being a stubborn man, but you weren’t being very respectful to him.
Post # 120
lemonglass : He’s a hard worker and we get along great sometimes. He’s helpful with the kids and always let’s me rest if I need to.
“Well, he doesn’t beat me every day, and when he does, he always puts away the belt when he’s done.”
Do you realize how ridiculous your statements sound? I’ve had more considerate and self-aware roommates than your husband.
Please find a decent therapist and ask for help in unpacking why you stay with an asshole.