DH told me to shut up…

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Post # 108
Member
10033 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

lemonglass :  I understand.  And his stonewalling behavior is extremely destructive, I can see that.  His behavior is driving you to worse behavior, you are bringing out the worst in each other.  Stonewalling can ruin a relationship, because he shuts down and won’t talk to you.

Something that may help is to back off a little bit and try changing your tactics.  A rule of thumb in life that really works is to ignore what you want to diminish and pay attention to what you want to increase.  In other words, any little thing he does for you that makes you feel happy and loved tell him how much you appreciate it.  He needs to realize your love language, and you need to also figure out his.  

I hope you can make your marriage work in a more healthy way, if you still love him and want it to work.  More than anything, stop all the fighting, though.  That is wearing you down.  If he doesn’t want to improve your marriage you may need to really consider a separation.  Counseling would be a good idea, if he would agree, but if he won’t agree you should get some for yourself. 

Don’t let him drag you down, stay strong.  Your life can get better.  I had to leave my abusive ex-husband and now I’m married to the love of my life.  He isn’t perfect but he’s perfect for me.  I hope you can find someone who really loves you the way you deserve to be loved.

Post # 110
Member
218 posts
Helper bee

lemonglass :  You guys need therapy. And I would say you dropping the F bomb was above and beyond worse than him telling you to “shut the hell up”.

Post # 111
Member
218 posts
Helper bee

lemonglass :  I have not read the updates, so if I am out of line I apologize. I just read the original post. 

Post # 112
Member
2814 posts
Sugar bee

annabananabee :  

Maybe he was so emotionally numb himself, a litter box that day wasn’t a priority on his mind. When I️ am extremely anxious or upset, I️ sometimes can’t focus on any chores and only force myself to barely focus on absolute necessities. No matter how bad litter box is, if I️ am in a very anxious state of mind, it’s not critical. Maybe he didn’t realize how much pain she was in. Maybe he thought cleaning the litter box is not a labor intensive chore and she is ok doing it. Idk.

But myself I️ know how hard a loss is. And guys play as they are tough sometimes. My Darling Husband def has a tough man mask on but inside he was devastated. Cleaning the house or doing daily chores was impossible for either of us at that time. (Non essential ones)

Post # 113
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Home

Honestly I think your in the wrong here, no one likes to be told where to drive by someone in the side seat, ita dds to the stress of driving. In that situation I would have polity asked if he would like to be directed because I am familiar with the area, if he declined I would just do my own thing on my phone and let him do his thing without being a distraction. 

Post # 114
Member
1807 posts
Buzzing bee

Why didn’t you drive?

Post # 115
Member
8168 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

pinkshoes :  

I think this is so right . Men seem to need to go  the stupidest ways to places, insisting their way has the least lights and ignoring the fact that it actually 5 k farther or whatever. And they won’t be told or even gently advised as it apparently affects their manhood. 

 lemonglass : Yes it was not a nice scene and yes it probably  upset the kids a bit , but idk that it’s that big a deal,  so don’t beat yourself  up over it . Keep your powder dry for a battle you can win ,  lol

 

Post # 116
Member
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I don’t know how bee can judge if you’re only listening one side of the story? Genuinely curious..

 

Anyway only based on the car story, yes you’re both in the wrong here. My Darling Husband is also weird when driving. He better get lost rather than asking for direction lol. I think it’s just his ego so while it’s make me crazy, I would just let it go..

Post # 117
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

There is clearly a lot more going on here than one fractious car journey….  have you considered couples counselling?

Post # 118
Member
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I stopped reading updates after page 6, but one thing that I wanted to touch on was the concept of respect.  Your husband wants you to respect him as an authority not as an equal or a person.  You as a couple need to change that dynamic so he sees you as an equal.  his cocmment that going to therapy will change him is just him saying that he is right, you are wrong, and you need to change not him.  It’s not about changing, it’s about communicating more effectively.  He is afraid of not being the authority anymore, and that is threatening to his manhood.  There is definitely more to this than just an argument in the car.  If I were in your situation, I would not be in that marriage anymore. My husband is not an authority over me, and I will not let him treat me as such

Post # 119
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

I think you should apologize to him.  I’d have been really upset if someone nagged and bossed me like that while I was driving.  If you knew the area, you drive.  Other wise let him find his way if he wants. After the first “I got this” comment I would have just let him make his mistakes. He’d have figured it out eventually.  Maybe he was being a stubborn man, but you weren’t being very respectful to him.  

Post # 120
Member
438 posts
Helper bee

lemonglass :  He’s a hard worker and we get along great sometimes. He’s helpful with the kids and always let’s me rest if I need to.

“Well, he doesn’t beat me every day, and when he does, he always puts away the belt when he’s done.”

Do you realize how ridiculous your statements sound?  I’ve had more considerate and self-aware roommates than your husband.

Please find a decent therapist and ask for help in unpacking why you stay with an asshole.

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