Post # 31
I understand that this is family – more than that, this is his sister.
With that said, this is not some quick trip to a different state that is being suggested. If this wedding was national, I would absolutely recommend that you encourage your husband to go with the caveat that he only be gone 3 days (fly in day before the wedding, fly home the day after). A national flight is much easier to change if their is an emergency and a shorter distance, regardless.
This wedding is out of the country and he is being encouraged to stay a week plus. You are 2+ hours from friends and family who could help you with day to day tasks of managing 2 toddlers while heavily pregnant or come to your aid in an emergency.
It is not unreasonable to tell him all of that. His sister knew your condition before she made plans, she knew there was a risk that her brother would not be able to attend. Your husband should stay home and any in lawd that would cause drama about a husband staying home to help his very pregnant wife run the household and be prepared for the possibility of an early birth would have shown their true colors soon enough.
Post # 32
Hell no, D H stays home that late.
Post # 33
He can fly in the day before and fly out the day after. My husband flew from Boston to Glasgow and back in the span of about 30 hours to attend his grandmother’s funeral. Get a friend to stay with you if you’re really worried. You both need to compromise and you need to stop being resentful of his sister for choosing the date she did; you don’t know all the things that went into her (and presumably her fiance’s) decision but the wording of your post makes it sound like you’re a little hung up on this.
Post # 34
Horseradish : In your attempt to make the OP sound like the unreasonable one here who is “hung up” on things, your post glosses over an awful lot of key information. Like the fact that the in laws are putting major pressure on her husband to not just attend the wedding but go for a full week to make a vacation out of it, and that they will villanize OP if she doesn’t “let” her husband go – despite the fact that her husband already discussed this with SIL and tried to explain why this date would be really challenging for them. This is pretty absurd and makes me think that if indeed the OP is “hung up” on why the sil chose a date knowing she couldn’t attend, she has a reason to be.
IMO, sil can have her wedding whenever and wherever she wants; but she and her parents need to accept that having a destination wedding in a foreign country means not everyone will be able to attend. What’s completely out of line is for family members to put this kind of pressure on the OP and her husband.
That said, if direct flights are available and this is a relatively easy international distance like boston/glasgow, I agree a quick 3-day trip might be feasible and a good compromise. OP seems open to the idea of her husband going for at least a couple days so he can attend the wedding; I just hope he’s equally open to compromising and telling his parents a weeek-long trip is not happening, and shutting down any of their attempts to cast the OP as the villain here.
Post # 35
tiffanybruiser : None of those details really matter when it comes to the actual issue: should the OP’s husband go to this wedding which he says he actually wants to attend, while his heavily pregnant wife stays home? The in-laws are pressuring the husband into staying longer, not into going/not going at all, since the OP says he WANTS to go. The OP says she and her husband tried to influence the sister’s choice of wedding date , so it sounds like in-law pressure is nothing new in this family.
Post # 36
Horseradish : There is a huge difference between “Hey, I’m going to be 36 weeks pregnant on that date and you’re having your wedding in Germany. Maybe not?” And pressuring OPs husband to attend an out of country wedding and stay for a week.
We still don’t know where the wedding is, or where the OP lives – what if travel is not so easily arranged as a 30 hour turn around?
It doesn’t matter what the husband wants until much further down the list, frankly. Before anyone considers what he WANTS, the OP and her family’s NEEDS have to be established and covered, with contingencies. OP’s husband’s family (wife and kids) come first, period.
Post # 37
Horseradish : “The in-laws are pressuring the husband into staying longer, not into going/not going at all, since the OP says he WANTS to go.”
That’s your interpretation, which I think it’s pretty flimsy. I think it’s safe to say there is pretty significant pressure from the in laws for her husband to attend the wedding period if they’re putting this much pressure on him to also extend the stay and make a vacation out of it. Also perhaps part of the reason the husband wants to go to the wedding is due to the pressure from his family. I.e., he’d rather disappoint his wife than his parents because his wife is easier to deal with.
In any event the OP sounds reasonable…she says she’s open to a compromise of him going for a few days, but would prefer he not leave the country for a whole week.
Post # 38
Especially in your new town situation I think your husband should stay at home. I mean, what will you do with your other kids if you suddenly go into labour? Who will help out if you feel really poorly?
I have a really solid group of friends where I live but even then I’d want him to be right there just in case.
My sister is due to give birth in August and she’s having me come and stay with her to take care of her first child so her partner can come to the hospital once she goes into labour. You’d have no sister, no parents, no friends you’ve known for ages. No way he should go!
Post # 39
I’m in the camp he shouldn’t leave you alone.
If you have a sibling that can help you daily for that week or you guys (or maybe his parents since they’re the ones making a big fuss) hire a nanny to come every day… Fine.
Post # 40
Well, I had my baby at 36 weeks…. (first baby, no complications…my water randomly broke). So….
Post # 41
If he can take the two kids and you can get a parent/sibling/friend to stay with you for a week or be on-call, then it all seems reasonable. I think this partly depends on how much he wants to go, or if it is just family pressure.
Post # 42
Miss Mochaccino : it would be a hard no from me, but I also had my baby at 37 weeks so in my case he would have missed it. My husband was 20 minutes away when my water broke and he felt bad that he wasn’t home when I went into labor – he would have been devastated to be out of the country.
Post # 43
If he goes, makes sure you have a medical power of attorney in place in case decisions have to be made on your behalf amd he is unreachable.
Post # 44
BalletParker : Yeah, I’m side-eyeing this big time.
OP’s in-laws sound unreasonable and very VERY biased. They not only expect OP’s husband to leave his very pregnant wife home alone in a new city with two small toddlers, they want to tack on touristy stuff that will keep him there longer. This is their DIL and grandchild ffs, they need to dial down the self-absorption here. And as for the bias- you can bloody well bet that if the situation were reversed, if OP’s SIL was the one pregnant and her husband’s family wanted him to travel out of country when the baby was due, OP’s in-laws would be all up in arms over it how can he leave our daughter alone and pregnant like that? what’s wrong with his family that they’d schedule the wedding so close to her due date knowing she can’t travel etc.
As for SIL, true she has her own prioriites, but scheduling the wedding so close to OP’s due date makes it very clear that her brother and SIL are not one of these priorities. She can set whatever date works for her and her fiance, but this sends the message that their attendance is optional rather than a factor considered when planning the date. FWIW D H and I planned our wedding date when we knew our long distance loved ones could make it, it was our number one priority in setting the date. If SIL couldn’t or wouldn’t do this, that’s her call, but it’s not fair to OP to place the burden of this choice on her.
In-laws will be in-laws though, this wouldn’t even be an issue if OP’s D H had nipped this in the bud by stating from the beginning that he wasn’t willing to leave OP alone nor risk missing the birth of his child. So hubby dearest is getting the biggest side-eye of all from me here. He’s not backing his wife, it sounds like he’s hoping she’ll feel pressured into telling him he should go. I’m usually fine with spouses taking separate holidays, but this isn’t one of those times.
And p.s. my daughter was born at 35 weeks.
Post # 45
zl27 : A very sobering thought and good advice.