(Closed) DH tried to cheat on me with a friend.

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

If someone wants to cheat on you- they will. It is just a matter of opportunity. It takes some serious STONES to try to do something first of all . . . but then to try when you are asleep in the next room? Unacceptable! You should have a talk with him and ask him how he started to get these thoughts in his head that he would want to fool around with other women – because maybe you can talk about why he is in that place and what you guys can do to get back to a good place. The place where you both are content and satisfied with just being with eachother and not thinking about wanting to cheat. 

Post # 47
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2016

adultry (including a failed attempt) could be a true deal breaker. If he is doing this after just one year, just think of what he could be like in five or more years. This may sound cold, but it is a good thing you found out after just a year. 

What makes this even more disrespectul to you, his wife, is it was under the same roof. You deserve soooo much better. 

Post # 48
Member
7642 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

anotheranon16:  (SIL) “is DH’s sister. She is my best friend in the entire world & she knows that he would probably be too scared to tell me that this happened if he really doesnt remember… yes because Amanda is best friends with SIL & she didnt know how to tell me because she felt really uncomfortable & thought I would be more comfortable to hear it from SIL.”

OK, let me get this straight. You heard this third hand! SIL is your best friend, but she didn’t witness it. Amanda (the alleged victim) told SIL, and then SIL told you.

I do agree that this doesn’t sound good, but you need to be very certain of yourself before you commit to permanent action. Are there good reasons for believing Amanda and not your husband?

Post # 49
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I just think this is horrible… I really feel for you bee.

From my experience, I really wanted to cheat on my ex-BF way back when (we’d been in a shitty relationship for about five years, and for the final year we weren’t intimate at all) – but you know what? I still never did, even when I had a LOT of drink in me. I never ‘tried’ to cheat either (wtf is that??) It takes some serious intent to actually go that far, and I just don’t believe in people being ‘different’ when they’re drunk.

That being said, I agree with what some of the other bees have said. You did hear this third hand, so there may be elements in the story that aren’t true. I say sit your hubby down and confront him, speak about it, and then decide on what to do. It may very well be that Amanda approached him and was embarrassed, or that he made a joke or whatever… all that may be wishful thinking and he may just be a grade-A jerk, but I hope for your sake that he’s not.

Post # 50
Hostess
8938 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

Ewwwww gross. You poor thing. I would never trust him ever again, drink or no drink.

Post # 51
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2016

anotheranon16:  after all the time you’ve been together he’a thinking I’ve never been wirh somebody else! That feeling not going to go away surely until he has been with somebody else? 

Post # 52
Member
346 posts
Helper bee

anotheranon16:  

Perso rather than focusing on Amanda for Q&A, I would concentrate on Darling Husband because the relationship/marriage is with him (vows to each other) and trust been broken.

 

stay strong bee and all the best

 

 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  icelady.
Post # 53
Member
1455 posts
Bumble bee

aussiemum1248:  That would still be second hand though? SIL’s friend experienced it and told SIL her experience, SIL told OP. So first-hand account (friend) -> second-hand account (SIL) -> OP. Which makes OP’s account now the third-hand account, but that’s because she heard it second-hand. Sorry, semantics, your post just had me really confused

OP I hope your talk with the friend goes well. I’m suspicious since he immediately broke down crying. As someone who has unfortunately been truly black-out quite a bit, I’d fight tooth and nail if someone told me I did something so out-of-character. When people tell me stuff I did when black-out, I’m usually like “ugh cringe, but yeah I can see me doing that.” Like, it doesn’t turn me into a completely different person. Soooo that makes me think he either did it, or doesn’t remember but sees it as something he’s capable of doing, if that makes sense.

Post # 54
Member
5154 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

anotheranon16:  Have you asked Amanda for exactly what happened?

Also, I had a boyfriend who would talk about this one girl, say she was super ugly and her face looked like she got hit by a board, etc. etc… well, after we broke up, guess who he dated for a year? Ugly girl w/the smashed in face. 

I always wondered if something was going on and that was just his excuse to throw me off his trail.

Post # 55
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

weddingmaven:  This. I read through the comments some more, because this just really disturbs me and I have to agree here.

Being drunk doesn’t make you a different person, and if you’re SO wasted that you can’t remember ANYTHING (which, really, hours later? After food? Alcohol doesn’t take THAT long to reach its peak in your system) then you’re also so wasted that you’re not going to come up with a plan to crawl out of the bed you share with your wife and harrass some other woman.

Super nasty… I seriously hope it’s all a misunderstanding in some weird twisted way, but the fact that he cried about this makes me think that maybe not..

Post # 56
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

j_jaye:  I mean it for me it’s like I trust my Fiance 100% or I wouldn’t be marrying him. Now do I trust him to leave him alone with some kind of treat food we both like? No, he is going to eat that and I am going to be mad. lol But not surprised haha. I know where his weakenesses are and it’s not other women. So if someone made that claim (someone I trust less than FI) I would probably believe him because there has been absolutely nothing in our past that remotely would make me think he was unfaithful. If someone at accused him of eating their left over pizza I would be like “I bet you he did! He’s a food theif!” lol 

Post # 57
Member
255 posts
Helper bee

anotheranon16:  First off, I’m sorry you’re Darling Husband is a creep. Secondly, I couldn’t trust him. What has he done behind you’re back with a stranger if he’s willing to try with a friend?

Post # 58
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

anotheranon16:  I would hate to end a marriage on what is essentially hearsay.  The only thing I do know is that when a man calls an attractive or even average woman ugly to his SO, it’s usually because he wants to f— that “ugly” woman.

Post # 59
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

I understand the skepticism but…what would someone possibly have to gain by breaking her best friend’s heart and opening up a huge wound in her own brother’s marriage? What reason would a woman have to make up a story about a mutual married friend harrassing her?

By assuming OP’s husband didn’t do any of it (and even assuming he’s telling the truth, not remembering =/= not doing) we’re assuming at least one of these women is lying and I can’t figure out how that’s more plausible. I’m also biased because I’ve seen too many instances where a woman speaks up about a male friend’s shitty behavior and it’s brushed off because not enough people saw it happen, or he’s more popular, or it wasn’t ‘that bad’, or he was drunk and not responsible for what he said/did, etc. I tend to believe women when they say someone was sexually inapropriate/abusive/creepy/predatory towards them.

Post # 60
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Speck_:  I am skeptical of the story and I’ll tell you why:

1) if OP’s husband were going to cheat, why do it right under her nose?

I mean if he really is interested in having a fling for experience’s sake, why not do it in a less risky manner?

Along the same lines:

2) why cheat with a woman in his circle, unless he wants OP to find out (and end the marriage)?

Again, I don’t see why he’d pick this woman unless he wanted out.  In which case he wouldn’t deny it.

3) Why didn’t the OP hear anything?

I’m usually a girl’s girl, but something smells fishy about the friend’s claims.

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