Post # 61
renierose: For 1 and 2, there’s no shortage of examples on this site of men cheating/trying to cheat with someone who is a mutual (or even close) friend of their partner, right under their partner’s nose. I think there are even examples in this thread. Infidelity isn’t always an elaborately orchestrated affair. There are also plenty of examples on this forum of acting on impulse, stupid, drunk, spur-of-moment bad choices that leave the instigator fearful and guilty. How many threads on here are dedicated to fiance’s who felt sooo “pressured” by their friends and crossed an established relationship boundary during their bachelor parties, and the devestated bee found out through another source?
For 3, I live in a small one bedroom apartment with thin walls. I’ve slept through two or three people carrying on a conversation in the next room using their inside voices, and that’s without drinking heavily before bed. Frantic whispers certainly wouldn’t wake me, but maybe I’ve just got poor hearing.
Post # 62
Speck_: yes, there are men who cheat on a whim, and especially with their SOs friends on purpose but they are usually “players.” The OP’s otherwise inexperienced husband does not sound like a player.
It also does not fit well with me that the friend told the SIL rather than telling the OP directly. By including other people in on the supposed transgression, the friend has put the OP in a position where she almost has to leave her husband.
I don’t know what went on that night, but I do know that this supposed friend is trouble. I wouldn’t be surprised if she wasn’t the one who hit on and got rejected by the husband and then lied to SIL out of spite.
I don’t get why you believe her version of events. You weren’t there, neither was I. What we do know is that the friend had no problem including third parties and spreading gossip. She is a beatch.
Post # 63
renierose: Eh, like I said, I’m biased and tend to believe women on things like this and not assume they’re wicked witches starting ~drama for innocent men, even when there’s not “evidence.”
As OP said, “Amanda is best friends with SIL & she didnt know how to tell me because she felt really uncomfortable & thought I would be more comfortable to hear it from SIL.” Not brilliant but believable, especially since this group sounds young. I doubt this was a mastermind plan to ruin lives. OP described the family as close, and apparently SIL decided that the version of events re:her brother was believable enough to tell her brother’s wife/best friend with no ‘grain of salt’ caveats.
Anyway I feel like we’re derailing this thread lol, any updates OP?
Post # 64
Speck_: It’s not like the SIL broke it down in a nice manner when she “drunkenly” blurted it out. I’m not buying the “I didn’t know how to tell the OP excuse.” Young people can be just as manipulative as the more mature.
I don’t think questioning the friend’s story or motives is in anway derailing from the thread.
From what the OP has said there has been a long standing animosity between her husband and this friend. I’m not saying that something did not happen, but I strongly believe that this friend is bad news.
Post # 65
Speck_: Don’t get me wrong I totally agree. I tend to believe the woman too. Or really whoever is claiming they were harrassed. But for me I always think it is most important to not make any snap judgements. If a woman had accused my ex of this, I would have believed her in a heartbeat. It would have made sense with his personality and our history. If someone accused my now fiance, I would be absolutely dumbfounded. That sounds nothing like something he would ever attempt. You might as well tell me he is a serial killer. That being said if I actually had any evidence of it, or if he was randomly unable to get ahold of I would believe it.
ALL of that being said I would not leave him even if he did do what shes said happened, if #1 it was totally out of character and #2 I really believed he was completely black out. Of course it would mean some things had to change. But I have experienced being totally black out and it was awful, and I was not acting like myself and have never gotten that way again. But people have to do what is right for themselves.
Post # 66
The man has a track record of being a pig. Wtf is up with him ‘always’ making mean misogynist comments about Amanda? And you confuse me OP when you say he made comments about her flat-chestedness because he likes bigger boobs like yours. Is this supposed to be his way of reassuring you that he finds you sexy, by putting other women down? Why can’t he just give you a compliment without trashing someone else in the process? Ugh @ his slut-shaming too.
OP heard about what happened third hand but her husband’s guilty actions when confronted don’t give him much credibility.
Post # 67
jcent: thank you.
j_jaye: this is what I am struggling with..
lolis: exactly. thank you
MrsBeck: sweatacouple: thank you both for this, I feel like a weak little girl for wanting to stay, but I also made a committment to him, myself, and God that I would try my hardest through the best & worst of times. I have to try.
I always told him and myself that if he ever cheated I would go nutzo & throw his shit out & leave him righ tthen & there, but right now that seems so hard to leave, especially since we just bought a house together & my career is based out of his family’s company. As I said I am also extremely close with SIL & Mother-In-Law. We all spend so much time as a family & I dont really have family of my own.
As a PP said only I know my relationship. I know that we literally fit together like a glove, we spend every second we can together & going on fun adventures. I dont think anyone could ever get me like he does. We literally finish eachothers sentences all the time. I know that cant erase what he did but as I stated in my OP, I want to TRY before giving up..
Post # 68
Speck_: I agree with what you are saying.
Unfortunately there is no way I would have woken up. Even if I have a few glasses of wine, if I drink, I am knocked out cold until the morning & I dont get up for anything.
Post # 69
anotheranon16: Even God gives you an out if a man cheats/has an affair…
He BEGGED another woman for pussy.
If she had given in, he would have put you at risk for…
You know what? I wish you the very best and hope it all works out.
Post # 70
When I said he always makes comments about her it was an exaggeration, it has only been a few times but hindsight feels like more than it was.
ive been going back and forth between believing her & not believing her, and believing Darling Husband & not. Its so hard. this is truly completely out of charachter. Anyone who knows him knows him as the sweet sensitive man who cares about everyone.
For now, we are on a break. He is sleeping in the living room & says he is willing to do anything. He is getting frustrated as well because he does not remember it and doesnt know why he would do this because literally everything was going so good with us.
I dont believe that Amanda is trying to ruin us. she very much enjoys her life being single & having the option to go home with a man if she wants. I dont think she would give that up for my Darling Husband, no matter how amazing he is. They live very, very different lives that i just dont think would mesh up together.
I really dont have anything to go on with believing much of DH’s words since he doesnt remember it, or so he says, so I really have to see how much I trust him that he is at least telling the truth that he doesnt remember. He is also getting frustrated that I am being so cold to him & will not even touch him or look at him. He feels like I am giving up on him & that he is losing everything over something he doesntr remember doing. I am just so confused!
Post # 71
I really appreciate everyones comments & I am taking the time to take all of them in. this is going to take a LONG time to sort things out but you all brought up so many good points & questions.
Post # 72
anotheranon16: Have you talked to Amanda at all about this yet?
I think it’s totally understandable for you to need some time to figure this out, and your Darling Husband needs to understand and respect that. You’re obviously not checking out of the relationship, so I hope you have explained that to him. If you can trust that he truly doesn’t remember any of it, it will still take time to move past this, and he needs to respect that and give you the space you need. Maybe it will do some good for you both to have some therapy to work past this with a non-biased professional.
Also, in reply to the comment about how you slept through it…this past weekend we went camping on the beach and I slept through tropical storm Bonnie in a tent. I had NO idea it even rained, and my Darling Husband told me the next morning that the wind was so bad he thought our tent was going to collapse on us. I wasn’t drunk either, I’m just a heavy sleeper. My Darling Husband could get up in the middle of the night and have a dance party and I’d have no idea. lol
Post # 73
anotheranon16: how can you trust that he doesnt remember this? He had a somplete conversation with her about this, not like he stumbled around drunk and blacked out mumbling incoherant things. he was awake and talking and admitting things to her. Even if he doesnt remember, those feelings came from somewhere.
I guess i admire that you are standing your ground to try and work it out. But i just want to warn you that it is VERY hard to get over something like this. You can think your fine, you can say your forgive him but one little will happen and it will bring you back to square 1. You will be left skeptical at times and your mind will wander. It will cause petty fights because you have this resentment inside of you. I felt like i should always get my way and “win” every argument because my ex should spend the rest of his life making it up to me. Clearly was not the case.
If you choose that route, i really suggest counseling. I turned into a person i hated. very bitter, jealous, UNHAPPY person. A counselor will help you figure out these feelings and not hold resentment.
I hope you do whats best for YOU.
Post # 74
Only you know your relationship and whether it is worth it to try to save it and restore trust. I don’t think you should make decisions based on embarassment for being considered a “weak girl.” It is your life, not anyone else’s and you have to do what is best for you and make yourself happy. I’m sure you realize that if you do attempt to repair the marriage it is going to take a lot of work to get there and it might still never be the same as what it was.
I do think it is possible to get so wasted that you would do something you would never do sober but if you want to move forward I think he should curtail his drinking.
Post # 75
anotheranon16: Here is the thing, statistically infedelity happens. I am the type of person who could forgive one indescretion but not multiple. The kind of person you are determines your threshold for this kind of thing, and that may be 0 tolerance.
I am just going to leave quote from Dan Savage here. Some people love his advice other people hate it.
” My advice would be, if and when it happens, you know when people always say, when they talk about the people they love most in their lives? I would take a bullet for this person, I would walk through fire for this person — that’s hurt. You’re saying I would hurt for this person. In a really profound and life-threatening way. I would take a bullet. I would walk through fire. Infidelity, when people believe in monogamy and monogamy is what they want, infidelity is that bullet. So if you look at your husband and think, I can take a bullet for that man.
If you look at your partner and think I love you so much I could take a bullet for you, just if and when it happens, remember that feeling, because that’s the moment where you take the bullet. And some people accuse me because I’m pro non-monogamy that I’m giving get out of jail free cards to serial adulterers. And I’m not. People should honor the commitments that they make. If you make an monogamous commitment, you should attempt to keep it, attempt to honor it, do your best. And then if it happens to you, if you get cheated on, what is love and what is forgiveness if you can’t forgive the person you claim to love most in the world for a betrayal that really cuts you to the core? And because infidelity is so common, these things should be thought about well in advance of them happening. Because I think if you set your mind to, that is something—as painful as it is to get through, love each other through, forgive each other for, you’re likelier to actually get through it, love each other through it, and forgive each other for it when it happens. If it happens.”