Post # 1
My Darling Husband and I are CFBC, he’s 49, I’m 39. We’ve been together 14 years. Growing up, and in my 20’s/early 30’s, I never wanted children but also knew that I had plenty of time to give it serious thought and make an actual decision. I also thought that IF I ever had a pregnancy scare, I could make a choice then. But ultimately, I was on birth control, we were living life and accomplishing other goals. My Darling Husband has a doctor visit coming up and I asked if he had any concerns for the doctor. He said ‘I was thinking I should ask about a vasectomy’. I was floored. I don’t know why, but I burst into tears. I wasn’t expecting that. After I composed myself I explained that even though we were taking precautions, and that I have zero desire to have a baby, I just didn’t realize he was ready to make such a final decision. He said that he loves me, but felt that at almost 50 years old, he feels like he’s too old to have a child, doesn’t envision his 50’s/60’s raising kids, and doesn’t want any scares either. I completely respect his choice and told him that. I’ve taken some time to re-evaluate our lives and agree. I don’t envision having a baby or raising a child in the next 2, 5, 10 years either. I think a surprise pregnancy would be devestating for us. And so if he is willing to have a vasectomy, I want him to do it. I respect that he is taking responsibility like this and not leaving birth control entirely on my shoulders.
And so that’s that. But I have an uneasy feeling and I don’t know why. I’ll reiterate that I DO NOT want children, not now and not anytime in the future. I think the issue is that I always felt I had lots of time and now it’s hit me that I’m not a kid anymore, I’m almost 40! I don’t feel 40, I still feel 25 with tons of young life ahead of me. I think the fact that time has run out, I have a partner that’s even older and has given this considerable thought, and that circumstances are making the choice for me, is what’s bothering me. I didn’t necessarily make the choice, or prepare myself for it. It’s sort of made itself on it’s own.
I suppose I’m looking for thoughts, opinions, advice from Bees who’s partners have had vasectomies, and how you felt before/after. Is it normal to have feelings like this?
Post # 2
I totally get where you’re coming from, it’s a sense of finality for sure. Something hardwired in your brain panics and the logical side of you doesn’t understand it.
I dated a guy at 26 who had a vasectomy and I thought I was cfbc but I was truly on the fence so I cut him loose.
Obviously this is your husband who is almost double that age so it seems like the smartest decision just to be sure you don’t have any scares.
Post # 3
You DID make a choice. You chose a CFBC man, you chose to stay on birth control, you knew that you would have a choice if you had gotten a pregnancy scare. Ultimately, you could still have a baby now if you wanted, but it’s not what you want. I want you to feel empowered about this because you have had a lot more choice than most women.
I do understand how you are feeling, though. Life has a way of getting away from us sometimes. And a choice we made a long time ago can make us feel old when we realize that eventually the choice is less ours and more time’s.
Post # 4
I get that you might have feelings to really shut the door, it’s a time to mourn the possibilities. But… you don’t want kids “now or ever”. Your husband’s concerns are 100% valid. And don’t you want a break from birth control? I would support him.
Post # 5
I’m kinda the same as you feeling wise…
But I’m done having kids had my tubes cut and do not want anymore children. I feel so sad about this ..but why I don’t want to have anymore
I think it’s just that feeling that a big part of your life has closed.
Not sure what else to add but you know you’ve made the right choice it’s just a chapter ending an a new exciting one starting
Post # 6
By any chance were you ovulating or about to ovulate when this conversation happened? I’m in my mid 40s, am CFBC, but I sometimes get a little broody right before I ovulate. It passes in a few days, though.
Post # 7
I agree that this is less the actual vasectomy or a question of having children (you’re clear on that), and more the idea that you are approaching 40. It is surprising sometimes how quickly time passes. I was shocked the other day at my own age, too. And sometimes making a decision – even one you are sure about – final is just difficult.
Post # 8
WillowBee33 : you’re lucky. I’m 36, my husband, is 48, I have no children of my own but 4 of his from previous relationships live with us and have completely drained me of any desire to have my own child. If I could push my uterus out like a poop I would.
Post # 9
I get what you are feeling. I am totally CFBC and when my husband offered a vasectomy I was totally speechless. I found this very cute and considerate of him but I declined. I don’t even know why. I am on the pill anyways and I am not planing to get off it and a vasectomy would make accidents impossible but somehow I never told him to do it…. I have asked myself quite often why… can’t find the answer.
Post # 10
nykkee : i have no input but my GOD this tickled me so good.
Post # 11
I KNOW you said you never want children (and I respect that, I’m not trying to change your mind or tell you that you will change your mind) but does it feel any easier if I tell you I know several people who had their vasectomies reversed and managed to conceive? I’m not saying you will ever change your mind, nor do I expect you to but vasectomies aren’t closing the door and throwing away the key, the key can sometimes be found again! Does that ease you at all?
Post # 12
WillowBee33 : why don’t you get him to freeze some of his supply if you’re very concerned about the finality of it all?
Post # 13
My Dh had a vasectomy before we ever met, after his second was born. That was it for him. He had no wish to go through childhood again with anybody. I am absolutely, unambiguously, no regrets CFBC.
There is something about a man willing to accept responsibility for birth control. And there is definitely something to be said for a man secure enough in his masculinity to allow himself to be fixed.
The fact that he was snipped—definitely a big entry in the Plus column.
Post # 14
I’m pregnant now, but once we’re done having kids (most likely will have 2 if everything goes well) my husband said he will get snipped because he doesn’t want me on BC forever. I was a bit surprised but happy that he wanted to take the initiative and was concerned about my health.
I guess I can’t completely understand since you did say your CFBC why you would burst into tears about it. Is it because it takes the decision out of your hands?
Post # 15
WillowBee33 : well…fwiw, it’s not actually a totally permanent choice. most vasectomies are reversible – not that you should go into with the idea that you can alwasy reverse it down the line if you want, but just saying that if it REALLY becomes an issue in the next 5 years, it’s not a totally done deal, necessarily.
i think it’s normal to grieve the loss of options, even if they’re options you didn’t want. we tend to overvalue the things we have (including the options we have). that said, it sounds like you are firmly CFBC and i think after you give it some time, you’ll adjust and fine that 1)it’s nice to be off BC, and 2) you enjoy your life as-is