DH wants to move out of state

posted 3 weeks ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
1367 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - City, State

I say don’t do it! To me, family is everything. We see both our families daily. We also just had a baby and family is more important than ever. If you two are both adamant, I’d discuss this in marriage counseling. This exact issue is one of the main reasons my first marriage ended. You cannot compromise on this like you can on other issues. 

Post # 3
Member
526 posts
Busy bee

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@VioletBee:  I’m anchored to a state I don’t want to be in because of my grandkids. I am totally of your mindeset, family is everything. I’ve been struggling with the idea of moving 5 hours away to be close to my mother, but I can’t bear the idea of not seeing my grandchildren several days a week. At the same time, I won’t have my mom forever and want to spend more time with her. 

I think ultimately family is more important than money, but is it possible to move to a bordering state where you won’t be that far? I know the economics of California make going elsewhere for a better quality of life a real consideration.

Best of luck, there is no completely right answer here!

Post # 6
Member
526 posts
Busy bee

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@VioletBee:  That is similar to my situation. I don’t know what your work schedules are like, but I am able to get back to see my mom twice a month if I need to. I have been considering a better vehicle for gas milage because of this. It’s not the same as having your parents down the road, but if both you and your parents commit to visiting each other, they will still be an active part of your children’s lives. There is also facetime. A set of the same book so grandpa and grandma can do storytime over facetime? making the same cookies together over facetime? Getting creative like that can help fill the gaps, and I’d include your parents in on this decision making process so you know if you could formulate some kind of plan on how to stay connected if you decide to do this. 

Post # 7
Member
3382 posts
Sugar bee

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@unicornwolf:  Besides your concerns about not having your family near, how would a move affect your career goals?

Post # 9
Member
956 posts
Busy bee

We have made cross-country moves twice. The first from Ohio to South Florida. The second from South Florida to NYC.

We are both crazy close with our families… But there’s also not enough money to make me move back there. I feel like our moves played a serious role in who I am. I love where we are and I feel like taking a chance and going somewhere new is a huge part of our relationship. I can’t imagine staying in our hometown forever. Honestly, it just feels sad. There’s so much country out there to explore and enjoy. I never, ever want to move back to where we came from. 

Post # 10
Member
7885 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Moving to a cheaper state could also allow you SAH longer/full time which may be a perk if that’s what you’re into. 
Do you own your home? Could you rent it out and rent a place in Arizona to try it out? And in general, have you looked at the cost savings of moving and what that could afford you (ie early retirement, ability to travel, savings for college)? Would his salary be less? How will that offset the COL decrease? I’m not one to want to stay stuck to my family (in fact I wish I lived further 😜), but I’d encourage you both to make sure this is a financially sound decision, not just an emotional one (on either side).

Post # 11
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I moved 22hrs away when I got married. His parents are 19hrs away; we’re all alone here (or were before making friends), and it has made us better people in my opinion.

We were talking the other night, how it’s a shaping experience you can’t phone in/study in college. But it’s not for everyone. Although I’m close with my immediate family, I needed a change. I needed to feel strong, and I needed to carve out my identity from being someone’s daughter, sister or cousin.

 I’m very calculated too; personally, it would be difficult for me to do a big move with feeling a strong sense of need.

Terrible side note, but Californians have a horrible reputation where I’m at. One of raising cost of living and complaining that they’re not happy here. Personally, I find what people call complaining is actually advocating for a better standard of living. But a stigma to be aware of if you aren’t already.

Post # 13
Member
526 posts
Busy bee

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@claroquesi:  Probably not by much, honestly. I work in a transerable field. I’d like to go back for a master’s and living with my mom would probably make that easier. 

Post # 14
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

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@VioletBee:  Im from the Midwest and my husband is from Southern California. We moved out to Southern California when we were engaged. So my family is about a 27 hour drive. Honestly, it sucks. All of my family and friends are back home. We have a few of his family members that are an hour from us and then I’ve made some awesome friends out here. However, it sucks to have a newborn that will only get to see his family every few months or so 🙁

However, we do love this area. It’s beautiful and there’s more to do than some other areas. It is very true that if you own a home here you can easily move and get a beautiful home for like half the price lol. 

My Mother-In-Law moved from here to Arizona for cost reasons. I think overall she’s fine in AZ but she hates the weather and the lack of things to do. I’ve only been to AZ twice but honestly I don’t like it much. I feel like it’s so different from here and the only better thing is pricing of things. 

We are also progressives but personally we would hate living in AZ just for it’s political climate. But if your husband feels the opposite politically, then he will definitely fit in in AZ lol. Keep in mind though that there are a lot of benefits here that you won’t find in other states. Paid maternity/paternity leave, OT labor laws and required paid sick leave just to name a few! 

Post # 15
Member
2162 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

I wouldn’t leave California. It’s a steep climb back if you change your mind and family is important. Plus the West coast is everything 🧡 – If I left I would definitely be one of the complainers PP talked about. 

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