(Closed) DH went behind my back, how should I respond? (long, sorry)

posted 6 years ago in Wellness
Post # 3
334 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I’m in mental health, so I completely understand that depression and ADD medication can cause weight loss. I also can understand that your Darling Husband and parents may feel terrified when they see you losing weight and think back to when you struggling with an eating disorder and worry that you might be sick again. I agree that it could be helpful to have him come with you to your appointment to discuss some of the side effects of your medications. When you say you’ve been calling your doctor to discuss thoughts of self-harm, do you mean your PCP? Do you also have a therapist that you are seeing regularly for your depression?

Post # 5
2951 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 1998

@wabisabi:  I think that he loves you and is concerned for you.  Try to take it as a positive because sometimes someone looking in see more than you see yourself.  

Depression is a terrible place to be in. Take all the help and support offered to you because there is light at the end of the tunnel, but your going to have to fight it to get there. You can do it:).  I wish you all the best 🙂

Post # 6
1066 posts
Bumble bee

Awww your man loves and cares for you. He just obviously doesn’t fully understand where you are at right now . I would take him to the doctors with you. That would help clarify things.

Your family is concerned about anorexia because you had this in the past, so it is understandable that when they see you, this is what goes through their heads.I have been there. Tell them you need their love and support right now, not accusations and that their labels are toxic for you. Learn to love yourself, know what you need to make yourself happy and get rid of that which makes you unhappy. BIG Hug for you. You deserve love, but first love yourself xox

Post # 7
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

lol I weigh just 125 but when I was depressed I dropped to 95lbs… in just three months. Now that I’m not depressed I can’t even lose more than five with tons of trying. Depression is totally an explanation. Pretty bullshitty of your Darling Husband to do – I understand that he’s worried, but somebody has to explain to him both the facts (depression is a fine excuse, you’re not unhealthily thin, etc) AND that he can’t undermine you like that and treat you like a child! I’d consider going to couples therapy with him to discuss this… perhaps it could all be addressed there.

Post # 8
5400 posts
Bee Keeper

I understand your hurt feelings that they went behind your back, but it is coming from a loving and concerned place. I think having your husband go to your appointments with you is a good idea. 

Post # 9
982 posts
Busy bee

@wabisabi:  Your husband and your parents are worried. That’s all. They’re not ganging up on you intentionally so please don’t feel they are against you – they just don’t understand your battle.

My SO had major depression, and I was really worried about him at one point so I emailed his doctor. I did tell SO, and he was fine – he was drowning in a sea of depression and he knew I was beside myself with worry, I was just desperate to see him get better. His doctor was not going to mention my contact with him unless SO did. 

As someone who has been a bystander of depression, it is very, very difficult. I’d have done anything to make my SO better, even if it was something that would have made him mad, but that was in his best interests. It is a desperate struggle, you don’t want to sleep in case something happens, you’re afraid when you’re at work that something will happen and you won’t be there. i was essentially on suicide watch. It is heart wrenching. Your family, your SO don’t want to lose you. They know you’ve suffered with an eating disorder before, and they’re scared they’re going to lose you. They’re not trying to hurt you, they’re trying to help in the best way they know how – which to you isn’t the best way. Your husband is probably thinking the same way I did – if I sit back and say nothing, and something really bad happens, I will never get over it. Better to run the risk of you being mad than not having you at all.

I’m glad you have a great doctor to help you through – I wonder if it’s an option to bring along your husband to an appointment so the doctor can explain that your weight loss is a result of the essential medication you’re taking? If it can help him understand, then he can better help you.

Just don’t be angry – the people that love you would never want to hurt you. They want so badly to help, they just don’t know how.

Best of luck to you xx

Post # 10
541 posts
Busy bee

I’m not extremely familiar with eating disorders, but as far as I am aware, in many cases, lying and covering up things is usually a part of the problem with many people who have eating disorders. I’m not implying that you did, or do this now, but I think general society associates eating disorders with lying and covering up. What I’m getting at is that your loved ones see a major weight change in you, and with you having had an eating disorder in the past, they automatically put the two together.

They genuinely care, and I think they are probably all at a loss of what to do to help you. The answer might be that you don’t need help from them, but expecting family to not be concerned is not reasonable. So my advice is to let them be involved. Authorize your doctors to be able to answer their questions about you and your situation. If they’re not allowed to speak with your doctors, or know details about your treatment,  then I can very well see how they may think your doctors are not getting the full truth from you, or that you are not giving them the full truth from your doctors. I’m not calling you a liar, but there are plenty of people who do liento their doctors and their families regarding their health.

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