- 4 years ago
- Wedding: May 2013
I’ve been with DH for 4 years now, and we just got married this year. In the beginning, we had sex ALL the time. It was a LDR, so we mostly saw one another for a day or two every 1-2 weeks. We had sex at 2-4 times a day back then, and DH was almost always the initiator and I was always ready to go. It was fun, but some weeks I needed that time in between to recover! We both agreed that once we lived together, we would not be able to keep up that pace.
Fast forward to moving in together. I had some health issues that really slowed down the sex life, but DH was understanding and never got upset when I had to turn him down. I would initiate occasionally, mostly because I had to let him know when it was okay for us to do it.
Fast forward to now. I am trying to revive our sex life, because it seems that both of us have lower drives. I know mine is probably from BC pill, but I can’t stop taking it. It has made my quality of life much better by reducing intense menstrual pain and PMS symptoms, and I also absolutely can’t get pregnant right now. DH has been under a lot of stress as he is mainly supporting us financially while I finish school and look for a job. He has taken on a lot of odd jobs outside of his 9-5 work to keep us afloat. I have been unsuccessfully job searching, which is depressing, and am also trying to write a theis.
I’m just really confused about what is going on with DH, because I don’t think he is being honest with me about what he wants. On the one hand, he will occasionally make comments like “we never have sex anymore” or remark that I turn him down too often. I honestly do not turn him down often, it is just that he never tries to put the moves on me like he used to! On the other hand, when I try to initiate, he either turns me down or acts like he has to agree since he probably won’t get another chance.
We have gone through a stressful year and a half of me having a crazy work schedule that I tried to fit around school, and when I was home, I was up to my ears in school assignments and wedding planning. He used to say all the time, “you always too busy for sex” and I would reply, “Yes, I’m always busy, but there’s always time for sex… just start seducing me any time you want it and I’ll take a break. How about right now?” and he would say somthing like, “no, you keep working, I’m going to go for a run”.
He knows full well that if he starts kissing my neck or cuddling on the couch, I will quickly get in the mood. It is how our multiple times a day sessions always got started. Usually he says and does absolutely nothing to indicate that he is in the mood all everning and then as we are going to bed he sighs and pouts and goes “why don’t we ever have sex?” and I’m all like… “What? If you wanted sex why didn’t you say something earlier? I would have been up for it, but now we have to get up in 6 hours and I’m dead tired!”
Sometimes I wonder if he doesn’t want me to know that his sex drive is not really as high as he makes it out to be, so he pretends I am the one always shutting sexy fun times down. The times he DOES ask for sex or try to put moves on me are often times he knows we can’t…. like when I have a yeast infection, or when I’m on my period, or when it’s too late, or when I have a migraine, or when I’m really sore from a new workout and can hardly move. It’s like he sets it up to fail, and then blames ME for us not doing it more often.
It’s frustrating and confusing, because when I try to talk to him about how he wants our sex life to be… such as who initiates, how often, and when, etc… he just says, “I am ready to have sex whenever”. Well, that doesn’t turn me on, knowing that it is all on me to initiate everything, and honestly he is lying. He is NOT always in the mood, as I have found out recently when I try to initiate more often.
There was an incident about a year ago, when I had been dealing with multiple recurring yeast infections, that I was having trouble getting/staying wet. He really hurt my feelings with a comment about wishing we didn’t always “need” lube to have sex, because I should make it on my own if I was turned on. Even though I explained that it had nothing to do with me not being turned on, was probably related to the BC pill and recurrent infections, and that there was nothing wrong with using lube, for a while it really made it hard for me to enjoy sex, knowing that he thought the need for lube meant I wasn’t into it. I thought I made it very clear that even when I was super horny and turned on, my body just wasn’t working quite right, and that in NO WAY was I just having sex to humor him. We had a few conversations about it, because he would want to stop our sessions at foreplay if I still needed lube to have sex.
Anyway, I think there is something unhealthy going on with our communication about sex. I admit, I can easily go without having sex more than once or twice a week, and that is probably how often I initiate. I just don’t understand why he won’t initiate at all (iike he used to), even though he says he wants sex more often. Often when I initiate, it seems like he is not really in the mood, but does it anyway because he thinks we have to meet some sort of quota to be “normal” (I have NEVER said anything remotely related to “we need to have sex x number of times a week” or ever told him we don’t have enough sex).
Maybe he is just having a hard time dealing with not being a 20-something who is constantly horny anymore? Is he just playing up the stereotype that guys always want sex more than girls, and doesn’t mean much by it, or is he really unhappy but won’t say anything out of fear of pressuring me?
Also, before he gets completely bashed, I must say, he doesn’t complain constantly about frequency. Our relatinoship otherwise is great. He is supportive, loving, and we laugh together a lot. We agree on most things. However, he makes enough of these comments that I think it needs to be addressed, while he seems content to occasionally guilt trip me but refuses to really talk about it.