(Closed) DH’s addiction (nicotine replacement) – long

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
5668 posts
Bee Keeper

Let me get this straight. You want him to quit smoking, but you won’t allow him to use any nicotine replacement? Why? He obviously started smoking again and is weaning himself off nicotine again. I really don’t understand why you’d “want to scream at him.” Sorry, but this whole thing seems off.

Post # 5
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

As a former smoker I can tell you that this is not an easy habit to quit. Nicotine is a serious addiction, it is a drug. Now I don’t mean to sound harsh here but you cannot possibly understand what he is going through. And I am sure he is more worried about you being disappointed in him more so than anything and that is why he is hiding it. There are other options than pills out there and obviously they are NOT working for him and he needs to look into something else. My Fiance and I used electronic cigarettes to quit smoking. I quit completely after a few months but he needed more. He was hiding it from me at first because he was afraid I would be disappointed because he couldn’t quit. By you confonrting him he just wants to hide it more. I can understand getting angry over the lying, but you are going to have to cut him a break and find alternate methods. He might not even want to quit and is only doing it for you. If he does not want to quit smoking/nicotine nothing except him wanting to is going to make him stop.

Post # 7
Member
5547 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2011

Well, as someone who has dealt with the lying part (about something other than smoking, and not with FI) it is super tough.

Smoking and nicotine are a serious addiction, but something he needs to deal with. I agree and understand, it isn’t so much the act that hurts but the lying about it. I think you need to discuss again, tell him that you want to fully support him but to do that you need to be able to be truthful with each other. Make sure he understands how much you love him and want to be able to trust him. You said he had decided to stop smoking before you met him, so I don’t think he is doing it just for you. But if he is serious about wanting to stop, the he has to be willing to be open about it. 

Post # 8
Member
5668 posts
Bee Keeper

@beeundercover: I didn’t misunderstand. He started again the week of your wedding and is now back to using the replacement… What I said before holds true; “He obviously started smoking again and is weaning himself off nicotine again.” I understand why you don’t want him smoking, and I also understand why he’s not discussing this with you. You’re not being supportive of him.

“Fast forward 1 month after the wedding (early July 2011). He came home from getting butter and quickly threw the grocery bag under the sink (where we keep them). I heard a ‘thud’ as it hit the floor. The next morning I went to get a grocery bag for my lunch, and guess which one I happened to pick up (seriously not snooping – it was the one on top). The grocery bag from the night before with … a fresh box of nicotine pills in it! I confronted him about it and we had a big argument. I told him I was hurt that he lied to me and he was essentially choosing his addiction over me – he said I didn’t understand and it was none of my business. His father hides smoking from his mother (she knows obviously – it’s impossible to hide) and Darling Husband knows how much I absolutely hate that his father does this. I couldn’t believe he was now doing pretty much the same thing to me!”

This whole paragraph really bothers me, especially what’s bolded. Quitting smoking is hard enough to do without a non-supportive spouse mixed in.

Post # 9
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

As with the tone of PP – OP, you are really just making this more difficult for your Darling Husband – stop making this about you – it is NOT about “him hiding from YOU” it is about “HIS addition.”  You should tell him/show him that you support him, no matter what – even if he slips up and needs to take a pill.  Trust me – you will have a much better chance of getting him off the nicotine (which is a bitch of an addictive, BTW) if you are supportive and non-judgmental.  

Post # 10
Member
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@ beeundercover  What pills is your Darling Husband using?  Are they over the counter or prescription?  I think it would be completely beneficial to consult with a physician at this point. It seems as though the neurotransmitters aren’t returning back to normal when he does give up the replacement therapies.  (There are actually receptors in our brains that grab on to nicotine, which is what makes it so addictive.) 

As someone who is also a former smoker, it is very hard to quit.  I have been free of smoking for 5 years and I still get cravings for nicotine.  I also get the lying and hiding and how that can make you feel.  But, I think that the best thing you can do it be the best supportive force you can be. Try to not lash out at him when you learn of any indiscretions, etc.  It really does only make the problem worse. 

It also seems he turns back to nicotine during stressful times.  Talk with him about his triggers and things so when stressful times come up, like moving, having children, etc., you will be able to stop the problem before it starts again.

Post # 11
Member
352 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I agree with PP’s that you are not being very supportive. You expect him to DROP smoking and have NOTHING to help him wean from that. I too was a smoker and it’s not easy. People like you have NO IDEA what it’s like and how hard it really is. it’s jsut like any other addiction.

Maybe he could try what I and others have been doing. I’ve been using a personal vaporizer and have been tobacco free for over a year now. Puresmoker.com is where I got started. They can get him started too and hopefully he can kick the nicotine for good. But you will do nothing but drive the two of you apart if you don’t stop nagging. He needs support from his wife, YOU.

 

Post # 12
Member
1571 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

To be perfectly honest, your reaction smacks of a need to have control over your husband’s addiction. I agree that he should seek an alternative method, but I also think you need to cut him some slack.

Post # 13
Member
2077 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

My Fiance and I are currently 7 months and 1 day smoke free.  Yay!  We both quit cold turkey, but I needed SO MUCH more support than he did.  Nicotine is just like any other drug, and smokers are addicts.  Quitting is extrodinarily difficult, and I have a feeling that your Darling Husband is sneaking the pills from you, essentially lying to you, because he doesn’t feel like he has your support.

I really hope that didn’t sound harsh, because I 100% didn’t mean for it to.  If I hadn’t received the support I needed, I would still be a smoker.  I can guarantee it.

It might help for him to meet up with others who are quitting smoking, or do like I did and start visiting a quit smoking forum.  The forum is what helped me not want to smoke MORE than I wanted to smoke.  If you’d like the link, I’d be more than happy to send it your way.

It’s a really difficult thing for someone to understand if they’ve never been a smoker.  And although I don’t think it’s right for him to keep lying to you about the nicotine pills, I also think that if he had an overabundance of support, it might be the big push he needs to quit the nicotine all together.

Post # 15
Member
2077 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@beeundercover:  “…quitting cold turkey hardly works for anyone,” Is a pretty bold statement.  Everyone ends up going through nicotine withdrawls at some point in their quit, those of us who have chosen to quit cold turkey have the easiest quits, In My Humble Opinion.

Not only do cold turkey quitters expell the drug from their system faster than anyone using a replacement drug, but we (typically) also learn to cope with our triggers faster.  Quitting smoking is an extremely (EXTREMELY) difficult thing to do.  Using any kind of quit-smoking aid (gum, patch, pills, etc.) is only prolonging the expulsion of nicotine from their system, and most times, replacing one addiction with another.  

Again, this is only my opinion, however making such a strong statement about cold turkey quiters often not keeping their quit by someone who has never had to quit smoking is a little aggrivating.

I hope that your Darling Husband decides to visit a doctor to talk about his NRT addiction (essentially that is what it sounds like his problem is), and I do wish you the best for your situation.

Post # 16
Member
2077 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

P.S.  Here’s a link concerning nicotine addiction, if you’re interested:  http://whyquit.com/whyquit/LinksAAddiction.html  It’s geared more toward people with the addiction, but it might help you relate with you Darling Husband better.

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