Post # 16
I would cut contact with all of them and make no secret as to why. As an abusive victim I have zero tolerance for apologists and I would never allow a child in that kind of environment. I would never allow them to suggest to a daughter of mine that abuse could be her fault or to a son that abuse could be acceptable (or vice versa). You have an obligation to yourself and your children to protect against abusive and toxic people.
As for the poor gf, please give her all the love and support you can because trust me she will need it.
Post # 17
I get wanting to protect family, but no. Not in this instance.
Him being known to have a temper is not an excuse. She did not ask for it. She did not deserve it.
Good for you for standing by her! Your DH is absolutely amazing in the way he’s standing by you. I would have a heart to heart with him. If he truly wants to cut them off, I get it. Enablers often don’t understand why what they’re doing is wrong. I would also be extremely hesitant to hang out with the abuser; even though he’s family.
Post # 18
DH and I are both in agreement that contact with the brother needs to cease. Neither he nor I are upset over not seeing or speaking with him. What I’m more unsure about are his parents. I don’t know that I can be around them if they are going to actively enable the brother’s violent tendencies. But I also don’t know if it’s right to put permanent distance between my daughter and her grandparents. We all live in the same area so even if we stop contact, we will inevitably still see them from time to time.
Things are terribly tense. Right now we’re just avoiding them but they are probably going to force a conversation soon. They’re already texting me because DH isn’t picking up their calls or returning his brother’s messages.
Post # 19
I’ve never been there and I’m so sorry that you’re there now, this sounds like a terrible situation. The silver lining is that your husband is clearly awesome, high five for picking a good one! It’s his family, if he wants to cut them out for this I don’t think there’s much you could (or necessarily should) do to change his mind. Support your husband, he’s your priority here. And of course yourself, it sounds like you’ve made the right move contacting your counselor. And you’re obviously doing right by your daughter. Best of luck hon!
Post # 20
“I think you should talk to you son.” Practice saying that over and over again.
No matter WHAT they ask or say. Even if they say “Well we’d love to talk to him but he won’t pick up the phone! So tell us…blah blah blah” You reply “I think you should talk to your son.”
Even if it’s “omg our sons are estranged now over that stupid cunt.” You say “I think you should talk to your son.”
The only situation where you can say something different is if you leave your kid w them. Then it’s all you. “Don’t give my kid the idea that domestic violence is ever right. If you ever do I will be forced to make sure that he never stays with you again. You can come see him at our house when either DH or I am there. I will not have you teaching another man that domestic violence is ok.”
Otherwise…”I think you should talk to your son.”
Post # 21
Thank you everyone for your replies. It was really helpful to read through and see that DH and I aren’t just reacting in the moment and that others would be distancing themselves from the enabling family as well. We’re going to have to take it day by day but we will definitely not be seeing the brother until a big family event this summer, where we will avoid him like the plague.
And the only “good” news is all of this is that the now ex girlfriend is safe. I spoke with her yesterday. While I wish she would file a police report, the most important thing is that she is safe, away from him, and not allowing any contact from him. The brother does not seem to be trying to track her down or get in touch with her. I think she will be all right and obviously I wish her the best.