- 4 years ago
- Wedding: October 2013
I have no idea if this is the right place to post this but we are already married and even though I’m a stepmom to DH’s son, it’s not exactly “parenting”…It’s more about how his ex wife’s intrusive behavior is really getting very annoying for us both…
Background: They have been divorced since 2008. It was a clean break…in other words, no getting back together, no “trying”…it was done. Their son is 7.
When I met FI I quickly learned that as long as he followed his ex’s requests to a “T”, there were no issues. Except this meant him getting used, stepped on, lied to, etc… After this was gently pointed out by me and a few others, including professionals, he has worked at changing this dynamic. He has put up more boundaries than he ever has with her and has worked really hard and just keeping her at bay, while still maintaining his relationship with his son. He never skips out on support or time with him…no matter what. It’s a part of him I deeply love and respect. One of the reasons I married him…as a dad, he’s no slacker.
Currently: As his behavior has gotten more healthy and firm, his ex, as you can guess, has picked up on it. First she claimed he “changed” which is a very common response from people not used to healthy new behavior. She complained for a few months. Then she said his son was reporting DH didn’t love him anymore. Through a therapist this was debunked and his ex stopped. Then came the bizarre requests from his son like…can you take me home early or Mommy wants me to come home to her, etc. That was firmly stopped by a therapist, as she was told this was harmful to their son, to suggest anything other than regular visits between both his parents. Now, she’s taken to try to email DH about total nonsense, denying him education related information (order states they both have rights to it) and commenting and suggesting his level of involvement in his son’s sports team…among other things…this is just the past few weeks. DH has already told her many times to stop with the emails that don’t pertain directly to their son. She refuses. He’s even taken to just reading and not responding to most, unless it’s something specific to their son like pick up times or schedules.
He has requested she not call or text him (they ONLY use a monitored messaging board to communicate) and she refuses to listen, citing “emergency” when one clearly doesn’t exist. Recently she sent an email that started with, “Since I have not been informed of your holiday plans…”, despite the child exchange already having been sorted out. I tell my DH that it’s like she wants to be married to him, without being married. Like she wants access to all the same information.
It’s driving us crazy, even though we don’t share that with her. DH has tried reasonable conversation but she is not reasonable. Every time a message comes through from her, both of us have anxiety. I have tried to limit what is shared with me but I am his wife…I know a lot about what goes on in his life. Plus, when he is anxious and is grouchy…guess who it affects?
Maybe this is more of a vent but if anyone at all has been through anything like this, I would love to hear from you. I just never imagined our marriage would consist of 3. I can hear people saying, “Put up boundaries…walls if you must”, but what happens when someone just keeps sailing right through them? Then what?
I have pretty good boundaries and never feel guilty asserting them…to me, it’s a part of life. But I haven’t been in a situation where someone has just not respected them on some level. She continually finds new reasons to contact him about mindless things. We both see she is trying to stir him up. For example…in an effort to reduce face to face contact with her (b/c she would make these dumb demands like…”Don’t forget his socks), he told her, on advice of his attorney, that he would start picking up their son, outside her house and would honk the horn. We both think it’s fine to watch a 7 year old walk down the driveway in a suburban area, to get to his dad’s car. Well, guess what? She sits outside every damn time…She will just sit in the dark, waiting for him. She literally sits in the middle of her driveway, just waiting. It’s like she wants to force him to see her. I’ve started assisting with the pick-ups and drop offs but honestly, I dislike seeing her very much, too. She’s very fake and just not someone I want to be around.
And to anyone wondering…yes, she has a boyfriend. He lives in another city but they have been together for about a year.
Anyone? Heck, even if you just have clever ideas…I’ll take them.