(Closed) DH's Ex Wife is Intrusive…Vent…

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 18
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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@Coral99  Ugh. So sick to see the lengths people will go to for their own selfish motivations in the name of “parenting”.    I couldn’t agree with you more about the children being more perceptive than they get credit for part too! I was a child of divorce and in the beginning things were not always very good between my parents. Even as a small child of 3 and 4 I picked up on it and remember it very vividly to this day. It was a very uncomfortable stress that caused a great deal of suffering because I had no idea how to deal with it. Luckily, my folks (with a little help from yours truly) worked it out and I grew up with an incredibly healthy split home environment.  

The point to that is, she is damaging her child for her own purposes when he could be growing up in a very wonderful and healthy way.  Awful and indicative of poor parenting on her part.  I had someone in my immediate family with a mother like this and it originally created a lot of strain with the dad because she manipulated it that way. Luckily, the dad and step-mom were always very careful to explain things in a way a child can understand without bashing the mom.  Now that the child is an adult, they have more respect for the dad and step-mom than the real mom (who is still just as selfish) and has learned how to deal with everything without resentment. It’s possible to do on your end, just a very difficult road.  Again, you have my utmost sympathy for going through this. 

p.s. Sorry for all the vague pronouns in the above paragraph! Just trying to keep as much anonymity as possible. Not my dirty laundry to air out. hahaha

Post # 19
Member
9681 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Coral99  The message isn’t reaching her when it is delivered by your husband. Is there any way an official can step in, such as a lawyer, therapist, or court official? You can’t spend the rest of your lives this way; it is completely unfair. 

I have only been married once and don’t have kids, so I am not an expert. I hope there is someone with official power who can make the harassing behaviour stop though!

Post # 21
Member
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@Coral99  Can someone else pick him up and drop him off, e.g. your husband’s mother?

Post # 22
Member
530 posts
Busy bee

I think I feel sorry for the 7 year old :-/

Post # 24
Member
530 posts
Busy bee

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@Coral99  Too funny!  I’m still waiting, so I kind of just picked a day that I thought would be nice πŸ™‚

Post # 25
Member
348 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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@Coral99  Nooooooooo, do not give her your phone number!!  As someone in a very similiar situation, I can tell you that this is a horrible horrible horrible idea.  You will get the brunt of her crazy.  Learn from my mistakes.

If your husband can, he should block her number. If that’s not possible, then he should change his number.

*then* what he or you can do is get a Google number & have it forward to your phone.  That’s the number give her.   This way if there’s an emergency she can still contact you, but she will not have your real numbers.

Post # 27
Member
348 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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@Coral99  It’s so not easy to deal with, and if you don’t have other friends in the same situation, it’s really hard for them to understand, right? 

My FI’s ex is pro at the ridiculous “emergency” text messages.  Fiance got a hysterical text a few weeks ago that his son was making up stories at school about invisible siblings.  How is that an emergency?

There’s two ways I can suggest now that have worked for us.  One is to go directly to the school & in the simplest way possible explain the situation to the teachers. “As you know, my ex-wife & I are divorced. There are some miscommunication issues right now, would it be possible for you to make we’re both contacted/cc/receive important documents.”  Same with the sports team. You don’t need to give the nitty gritty details, just that you’d also like to stay informed. If that means you & DH have to stop by the school one day each week to pick up a copy of his documents, it’s worth it. It means one less thing she has to contact you for.

Even though you’ve heard it a million times, boundaries are the best way. That means ignoring the text messages that she sends.   You guys don’t need to respond to “Don’t forget his socks.”  It’s SO easy to get sucked in to it especially if she’s aggressive, but it’s up to you guys to set those limits.  If she texts you a million times a night, tell your husband to turn his phone off or on silent. It can be as simple as phones on silent from dinnertime on.   Only check it before bed.  Tell anyone that would need to reach him (family members for example) to contact your cell.  If you do this consistently (and you absolutely must be consistent–the minute she sees a crack she’s going to start again), she’s eventually going to see that her constant texting is pointless because it’s not being rewarded with the attention she’s craving.

 

With regards to their son–the best advice I can give (and which I repeat like a mantra to Fiance when his ex is especially nutty) is the best thing to do is act with as much honor as you can.  Be the parents that never bad mouth the mom, that don’t manipulate him, that don’t use him as a pawn. When he gets older & can start to see the situation for what it is, he’s going to respect you guys so much more for doing that. It seems like you guys are doing that already, which is really awesome even if you’re not seeing the benefits right now.

If you need to vent feel free to PM me! Sometimes it just feels good to let loose on someone who can relate.

Post # 28
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Ugh, I am so sorry you are going through this and it makes me so sad to think about how this may be affecting DH’s son. I don’t have any suggestions but I do think perhaps she just needs time-to move on, to become distracted with another person or (hopefully) her own life, and to let go. The good thing is, the older their son gets, the less she should be involved in your lives. Hang in there. 

Post # 29
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015 - Los Willows Wedding Estate

I had a similar situation at the beginning of mine and FI’s relationship. When I ment him he was not yet divorced (yikes) but had been seperated and there was no going back. My FI’s ex unfortunately turned to drugs after my future step daughter was born and she just checked out of the marriage. They seperated and Fiance went to live with his brother and only saw his daughter on the weekends(he worked 2nd shift). We bought a house together about 9 or 10 months into our relationship but even before that I could see how bad my then boyfriend was being used and abused by her. He was the one that bought the milk, diapers, wipes, clothes, shoes etc. and all she did was sit her lazy butt at her friends house. We bought our house and asked her to help with some stuff since we were paying a mortgage now. Of course she didnt. And she would call just to fight. Eventually her and her friend got into a fight and she needed to move out. MY Fiance helped her look for a place (which caused him to get dropped from all of his classes) and on top of that he was paying half the rent because according to her it was his daughter who lived there too. (my resposnse was for her to pay half of our mortgage since her daughter lived with us too..they were splitting the parenting times evenly) I was getting pretty pissed off when we were struggling and she would just sit at home and we would pay for everything. Eventually we stopped paying for everything, told her that if it had nothing to do with their daughter not to bother calling because we would just hand up and said that if she didnt get a job she would lose her daughter. She thought we were just playing. And we eventually took full custody of my step duaghter who i call my daughter cuz I have raised her since she was 2 (she calls me mom as well) and she lost her apartment cuz she was so irresponsible and didnt care to look for a job. When she would see her daughter she alwasys told her that daddy took her house away and all this other BS. And even after she lost custody of her daughter and has no reason to contact us she kept calling just to fight and bicker and tell my Fiance that it was all his fault. I feel like she wanted the attention and expected my Fiance to just give her everything as that is how their marriage was. She has just came back into our duaghters life. She hit rock bottom which i think did her good because she is now happily married with a new born. Sometimes cutting all ties and letting the other person fall face first and having them deal with their own issue is what is best.

Sounds like your husband and his ex share custody and what I would do is just save all of the messages and take them to a lawyer or court so there can be legal bindings as to about what she is allowed to contact you guys. If it doesnt have to do with their son then your husband should just hang up. Keep a record of everything and if it has to go to court then it has to go to court.

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