(Closed) DH’s job getting too stressful.

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

first ((hugs))

and then….

I think that you two HAVE TO HAVE TO have a “meeting”… even if it needs to be scheduled in and kept like ANY other work meeting he would have…

I think that he’s genuinely working his butt off to give ya’ll more BUT what exactly is the goal?..

certain dollar amount saved?..

certain reputation for his ability in his field so that work is secured?


I think that some real goals need to be made and put in place. Then atleast if it get’s hard you actually know what you’re sacrificing for.

Also, I think some real boundaries need to be put in place for himself, as well as your marriage, so that you two can be a team again working for the goal together… and so that it can actually be accomplished. He can’t really expect to be able to continue like the energizer bunny forever.

Maybe even plan a mini-retreat in bewtween jobs?… if that’s at all possible so that you two can just ENJOY each other again…

Wish I could give more adivce but really I think it’s just about getting SOME kinda communication not just because you want it but b/c for ya’ll to survive over the long haul it’s needed…. and finding anyway you can to get back to, even if just moments, enjoy each other again.

((hugs)) again and I have faith that what was joined together between you two WILL not be broken apart πŸ˜‰

Post # 5
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

Ok so I just read your original post, but I must admit that when I read this, it made me feel a little sad. I am just like you’re Darling Husband. I work an insane amount, my reg job as a VP for a big company which is a bout 60hrs a week, I also write (for money) for a blog, and started a wedding planning businees. So I pretty much work from 8am to midnight every day. Darling Husband used to just look at me from the end of the couch like a sad puppy dog. He would bring it up and at times it would make me mad, because I was doing all of this for us. Working 3 jobs, meant that Darling Husband and I could do whatever we wanted. We could travel. go to great dinner, and lead an amazing life. Darling Husband however, pointed out that although I was working to better us, we never really had time to do any of the things I was working for. He made me make promises to him. One weekend a month I do not work at all. It’s really tough, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s not that much time. And one night a week we go to dinner and I can’t answer my phone,  (business calls and emails). I made those promises because Darling Husband was right. He deserved at least that much.

My suggestion make your Darling Husband promise you something similar. Perhaps, you should start smaller first. Maybe just the one night per week to start. He should realize how minimal a request like that is. You also can’t feel guilty about holding him to it. Sometimes, Darling Husband really had to remind me of my promise.

Post # 6
1909 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@bakerella: Hi dear πŸ™‚ * HUGS HUGS HUGS *

With the resentment building, have you thought about seeking counseling? Individual or couple, it really helped Fiance and I breakthrough the resentment cycle in the beginning of our relationship. I know if we flared up again we’d be right back in the therapist’s office. Sometimes having a referee arbitrate helps the ‘talks’.

Post # 7
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

@bakerella UGH…. that certianly sounds like a really tight spot.

I’m sure that it has been talked to death… I know just b/c us ladies tend to do that and I saw it with my parents.

BUT.. if there are actually set goals to the talk then.. there’s head way.

Like okay, he’s doing it for a house. What exactly does that mean… like you said you’re not quite understanding & that means that you two aren’t on the same page. If you’re not the same page then you can’t work together.

When do you want it? How big? Where?… specific things.

I do think it’s really great that ya’ll have a “house” account… but think it might be a good idea to let Darling Husband know the info and then even more..

Both committing to a certain $ or % of revenue to put in there.

^ with make the goal of a house as something that’s actually tangible and not just a “thought” that you’re not killing yourselves to obtain.

And then maybe another goal couple be “marriage time”…

From what I assume… nothing fell apart and nobody died when ya’ll were up at the wedding & he was unavailable… so now just to extend that and do it more often.

Here’s a great little (really it’s little) book that my mom gave me years ago. Has some really simple daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly to do’s that will atleast help you two stay together and not feeling like you’re working against each other.

The Love List <— really simple kinda like “duh” stuff that we forget about… like a coffee table book that’s good stuff to remember

I know that it’s gotta seem overwhelming, b/c it sounds overwhelming, BUT it’s definitely not hopeless and I don’t think it’s too far off from becoming manigable for you and even moreso both of you.

Taking small steps to see the end (goal) and to touch base with each other and you’ll beginning to get more encouraged in where you are and where you’re going.

I see things looking up ;)….. If I can think of any other books that I think can help or encourage I’ll definitely letcha know! pm me anytime… I’m attached to my phone so I’m never far off. lol

Post # 9
2232 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Our conversation about giving up weekends/weeknights totally makes sense now!! I have gone through this to some extent with Fiance with his new position. It’s tough. 

This is one of the biggest problems for people who are self employed! Because you rely only on yourself for your business success you end up working 24/7. It’s so hard to say no to a client/responsibility when it means a paycheque. 

I agree with mwitter80, he should try to set aside some time where his focus is not on work. 

Maybe he also needs to further explore different ways of taking the workload off of himself. He WILL wear himself out more and more and then what? 

Hopefully you can work something out, he can get some rest and you can see your hubby more. 

Post # 10
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@bakerella: DH says “I wish I could take all your stress and throw it out the window”, hearing just those words at least makes me feel better, since he acknowledges that I am really stressed, so keep doing that. Even if he dismisses it.

I didn’t want to say go away or blah, blah, because obviously I don’t know everyone’s financial situation but Darling Husband and I do try to go away probably once a month. Even if we stay in state, or sleep at home, but go have a whole day planned somewhere else. It lets us reconnect and keeps us bonded together. We just went to Boston yesterday and spent the night. We both took the day off of work and had an amazing time all day and night. It was just what we needed.

Post # 13
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

@bakerella I’m so glad you’re feeling encouraged!!! yay!! ((hugs))

Oh, and I just grabbed my book “The Love List” from the shelf and I must say that It’s better then I remembered. My mom gave it to me years ago so Darling Husband and I haven’t gone through it together… yet. lol Good stuff for sure! πŸ˜‰

Post # 14
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Suggestions? Make sure both of your priorities with regards to family and life are the same. If they are, it sounds like he needs to find a new job. His work hours sound like my boss’…and she is a robot of a person who never shuts down from work. I can’t imagine that her home relationships are very healthy after all the years of her working like that! I’ve found that if you aren’t willing to fight for your priorities and draw tough boundaries (which may involve leaving a job and going to a new one), your job can easily run your life!

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