(Closed) DH's sister usually plans his b-day – this is awkward post-marriage . . .

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
196 posts
Blushing bee

@Miss Mochaccino:  

He may need some proof to pull the wool from his eyes, so to speak.  Keep a record of FB posts or emails with you trying to get in touch with his sister if she pulls that crap again.

Also, your SIL might not have seen you as “part of the family” last year, since you were not married then.  I’ve known some people who were pretty odd about distinctions like that.  It might be different this time around (though I wouldn’t count on it).

Post # 4
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Miss Mochaccino:  I would probably reach out to her and say something like

“I know in the past you have planned DH’s birthdays and I know he has always enjoyed and appreciated them. I would like us to share this responsibility this year since I am now also part of your family and I am very excited to be part of the celebration planning officially.  Also, I am also planning a weekend/event for us to celebrate and I would hate for this to coincide with the family celebration”

And as @yumiyumi:  said, I would be sure to save your communication so that you can show Darling Husband that she didnt respond to your emails etc. I would also be sure to call her because you dont want her to say “Oh I never got your email etc”. 

If she doesnt respond I would also call your Mother-In-Law and ask her ‘When you see SIL next, can you let her know I have been trying to get a hold of her. I would like to us to plan DH’s birthday together this year. I know she has been busy, but I would like to chat with her soon”

Post # 5
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

How do you and Future Sister-In-Law get along otherwise? She could feel like you’re stepping on her toes with the birthday planning (which is silly, I know.) Is there someway you could plan something independently that ties in with hers? For example, ask her if you can plan the dinner where the trip is given. 

Post # 6
3194 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Ah, family drama. I feel your pain. FI’s family is very strange. I recommend keeping a record too. Sorry they’re being so weird to you. :/

Post # 7
8104 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@Miss Mochaccino:  That whole scenario seems a little odd, tbh. I don’t know any family that makes a big deal about adults’ birthday parties, especially big family trips. If it works for everyone, that’s awesome. Like a PP said, maybe this year will be different since you’re married now. I’m sure there will be a transition period, just like other family holidays, and hope you work it out peaceably. 

Post # 8
1144 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

HonestlyHonestly if Darling Husband wants his blood family to plan the party and they can by their own I wouldn’t bother putting forth any effort.

Post # 9
7495 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Like a PP, I also do not understand the big deal abotu adult’s brithdays, unless someone reaches a milestone or something.  I would jsut let the siter paln what she wants and then make plans with your Darling Husband separately.

Post # 10
1051 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Your Darling Husband sounds a bit (or a lot) enmeshed with his family. It sounds like he hasn’t really cut the cord and realized that his immediate family is now you and any kiddos/furbabies you have. His parents and siblings are now his extended family, and things like planning birthdays are now your job. It’s also a little weird and kind of infantilizing that a grown adult would still be having big parties planned by his parents/siblings. I could see a big party, thrown by you, for those milestone birthdays, but when you become an adult those occasions are usually reserved for your immediate family, again spouse and kids. 

I’d probably have a serious conversation with your Darling Husband about your new roles in each others lives and what that means. This thing with the birthday planning and his defensiveness about his family is probably a sign that he’s not putting you and your marriage first, and is essentially putting his parents and sister’s feelings above yours. Some families are just super gung ho about birthdays and like to make a big deal out of them, which is fine and to each their own, but in those cases it would still be your job to plan whatever you do as his wife. His sister is shutting you out, essentially disrespecting your place as his partner and the most important person in his life now, and literally marking your Darling Husband as her territory. By not saying anything to her and standing up for you, he is agreeing with her and showing you that her feelings come first and a big birthday party is apparently more important to him than his wife being respected. 

Again, this would warrant a serious conversation with your Darling Husband, something like “DH, you are a grown adult with a wife. It is not your sister’s place to plan your, a married adult’s, birthday celebrations anymore. That is my job as your wife and it’s something I’ve really been looking forward to. I need you to address this with your sister/parents and make it clear that I will be taking over from now on. Not only are you/they not allowing me to plan your celebration, they are actively shutting me out of the process and disrespecting me as your wife. A child has their birthday parties planned by their parents/siblings, not a married adult”

DWIL would be a really good board for you to check out. They specializing in in-law and family issues and while the ladies there are tough, their advice is invaluable. Even if you just lurk and read through some of the posts, learning from other people’s experiences can be really helpful.

Post # 11
2849 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@saraja87:  I agree with this advice. I think you need to stand up for yourself and let your husband know that you want to take charge in the birthday planning. There is no reason for a wife to sit on the sidelines when you don’t want to be there. 

Post # 12
6573 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Daisy_Mae:  +1

Personally, I’d be like “eh, whatever”. I think Once you’re an adult birthdays are really not that important. We don’t consider birthdays to be a big deal, in fact, Darling Husband travels a lot and usually isn’t even in town for either of our birthdays. We might do a nice dinner, but we don’t even do gifts. *shrug* The thought of spending money on a birthday trip every year seems silly to me, so I would be more than happy to let someone else do it. 

If it’s that important to you then you need to CALL your SIL and say, “DH has expressed that he really wants me to participate in planning his birthday this year. Please let me know what you’re thinking, so we can come up with an idea he’ll love.” If she ignores you, then you need to flat out tell your Darling Husband.

Post # 15
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

Your updates just make me really sad for you. Your husband not only needs to stand up for you two as your own family (he can’t just be their son/brother anymore) but for your place as his wife in his family. I don’t know what to tell you. We went through something similar when we were dating and it was extremely tense. I hope you can talk to him without him getting to defensive.

Post # 16
4770 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Wow.  what a crazy relationship he has with his fam esp the sister…Not sure what is the best to do but your Darling Husband seems that this is no big deal when it obviously is.  He brushed you off after you told him you were sad about the calender thing?  Then sit him down and get some answers and DON’T let him brush you off. 

Tell him that he should tell his sis to include you, not the other way around.  She’s the one planing she’s the one needing to do the including. 

Plan a trip to where you wanna go, dosn’t need to be a celebratory trip but something for you guys so you don’t end up with no vacation days casue they were all spent on the fam. 

Also seems like you’re making excuses for him that he had really wanted to work on this issue in the past.  Seems like this is the classic example of actions not words where he tells you what you want to hear but dosn’t follow through with it, so you need to revisit this and tell him that you don’t want him to tell you what he’s going to do about it but to actually do it.

Sorry about your situation, seems quite crappy.

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