(Closed) Did any of you guys get these calls?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@Nona99:  god, thats difficult. it depends whether theres a valid reason. you know the phone calls that say something like “i know you love him, but hes a compulsive gambler/cheater/drug user and im worried about you”…those are ok. but im not sure id do it as i wouldnt want to lose the friend

but if its just ‘meh i dont like him’…well friends dont have to like your SO. better if they do obviously, but they arent committing to the rest of their lives with him

Post # 4
Member
808 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Yes I do believe there are rude arrogant people out there….

But, is their complaints justified? Is he jerk (and they are just trying to protect her)? 

It doesn’t seem normal for several people to complain. 

In the end though as long as your sister is happy then it is no one elses buisness.

Post # 5
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2023

I’ve never got calls myself, but I have in the past given the same advice to friends. Honestly, if I believe my friend is getting into something bad, I’ll tell her. One of my friends was engaged to a total tool, and I would tell her so. Eventually he left her for one of the girls he was sleeping with behind her back. 

Also, you only have to look though weddingbee, to see post after post full of women telling others to leave their fiance – because they are being treated appaulingly.

So, in answer to ‘who would do this?’ I think that concerned friends do this, who don’t want their friend making a mistake.

Post # 6
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

When people have seen and observed things, they tend to let them go until they realize something serious is about to happen. So he might have been a jerk on several social occasions, but they ignored it or make quick snarky remarks and let it go. But since now she’s going to marry him, his behavior might become more significant. Know what I mean?

 

Post # 7
Member
14495 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@Nona99:  Depends, if their concerns are valid, yes I would say something but if it was just a personality thing then no.  One of my best friends is dating a guy I really don’t care for, but he is just not my cup of tea.  He is a nice guy and she likes him so that is all that matters.  If I saw some kind of abuse, or serious personality flaw that would cause her issues or pain, then I would def say something.  A lot of people can’t see the difference between their personality preferences and serious flaws in people.  People sometimes have a hard time not projecting their preferences onto other people.  Sorry that happened to her.

Post # 9
Member
1110 posts
Bumble bee

My friend and I tried telling our friends that we thought there was something shady going on in a relationship, and that they should be careful/figure out what was going on before things got too serious.

They told us we were jealous and were really jerky about it, so my friend and I cut them all out of our lives.

Eventually the one who wasn’t my friend married the guy, and several years later, they are separated and likely getting divorced, possibly for something similar happening.  

So.  Yes, I can believe someone would do it.  Clearly you want to have good reasons/observations before you bring this sort of thing up, and not just “well… I don’t like them” or some hidden motive to make everyone miserable.  

Post # 10
Member
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@Nona99:  oh then thats a bit different, if there are no red flags. i mean…i have friends whose SOs are to me, quite frankly tedious and pernickety. but i wouldnt tell them not to marry the guy

Post # 11
Member
2448 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

if it’s justified, I would tell my friend not to marry someone. It’s the right thing to do if you care about someone – they might be too “in love” to see warning signs. If someone is calling to say something like “don’t marry him, he’s ugly” or something like that, i’d stop being friends with them.

Post # 12
Member
511 posts
Busy bee

If I asked someone what they thought, I might expect people to voice their opinion.  If it’s unsolicited advice, it sounds to me like it might be a little self-serving.  If that’s the case, it sucks to be them.  Tell your sister to tell them thank you for their concern but it’s her life, and she plans on living it….or if that’s too many words, a succinct “piss off” might do the trick.

Post # 13
Member
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@Nona99:   Has she not had many boyfriends?  Is she the first of her friends to get engaged?

Or does she ” seem” to have an opposite social persona than your sister?

 

I got those from my friends. ” you’ve Olny dated three guys and now your settling down. What if you decide the grass is greener elcewhere?” 

Or ” I can’t imagine getting married at our age. We’re too young, besides what I we meet some billionaire pilantrapist?”

Or ” you guys are so different, your loud and obnoxious and like to party, he’s quite and his idea of a good time is studying. This is not gonna work  .”

Post # 14
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I have a few friends I wish I had done this with – they are now divorced. It was like watching a train wreck in slow motion. These people were the ones getting married because “They are at that point in the relationship” or “But i’ve been with him for 3 years!” or “My mom got married at 26 so I should too”.

Hellllloooo invitation to unhealthy marriage.

Post # 15
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO – Nona99:  you said,

Well, he’s a great guy, they’re happy together and they make it work….so if there is some horrendous secret problem, it’s something I’m unaware of……

Well sometime family is the last to know… certainly was the case with my 20+ Year Abusive Marriage… I was too embarrassed to ever let anyone close to me know it was happening.  I got very very good at “covering” for him and his being a jerk in our relationship (not just physical abuse, but also his heavy drinking, etc)

So much so, that after we split up, I didn’t tell my family for almost a year (we live in different cities)… and when I found out during the Divorce Trial that my Ex was on the phone / email all pals like with some of them (another way of manipulating people / and mind-games on me)… I had to make some very painful phonecalls and say

“Look, he’s a charmer / master manipulator… you are being used.  He abused me for over 20 Years, I never told you because I was embarrassed and loved him so.  I know he looks like a great guy on the outside… which is WHY I fell in love with him… but he has put me and my family at jeopardy for a very long time.  He is trying to get to you in hopes that one of you will testify in court for him, against me.  Let me send you the pics of his abuse of me… and a copy of the report that goes along with that so you can SEE for yourself… what he’s really like”

So ya, sometimes family is the last to know.

 

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