(Closed) Did any of you show interest in or pursue your SO or FI before he pursued you?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee

I know 100% where you’re coming from. I pursued Fiance. In fact, I followed him to Spain. So it was a pretty big move. I also said I love you first, and I felt for maybe the first year of our relationship that he wasn’t as into me. When we were fighting, it would feel horrible, because you definitely don’t want to be the only one making effort for the relationship. 

But, long story short, I got over it and those feelings are now long gone. So I wouldn’t let it worry you and focus on addressing the real causes of your fights.

Post # 4
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee

PS I know some people look down upon girls pursuing guys. I don’t think a relationship has to be one sided, but there’s nothing wrong with taking the first step. I believe that a woman has to make her own happiness ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Post # 6
Member
888 posts
Busy bee

HUGS.  I wonder why he feels like he has to bring this up with you – because you are together now and it should not matter.  I’ll share my experience and maybe it can help – I was not at all interested in my partner when I met him but became very interested pretty quickly.  I have found myself mentioning this from time to time and I have to catch myself.  For me, it stems from insecurity.  I feel like it comes from the sense that I don’t want him to fall out of love with me so I remind myself that he was the one who pursued me – although really, I fell for him pretty quickly and of course, none of it matters now.

Post # 7
Member
3709 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Awww….I am sorry that you are having a rough week. I know how that can be when things that you would normally consider “cute” make you crazy.

My Fiance did the “chasing” as it were. We are both from the South and are pretty traditional in how we approached this particular relationships as opposed to relationships we had in the past. He actually gave me his number so that I would be more comfortable. He told me he loved me first, took the lead as far as taking our relationship into “exclusive” territory, and even broached the subject of marriage first.

Having said that…I would have TOTALLY given him my number if I saw him first. I wouldn’t have a problem at all with letting the world know how smart I was to realize a good thing when I saw it and how my Fiance was so slow on the uptake…it took a FRIEND to talk some sense into him and convince him not to let a fine specimen such as myself get away….see where I am headed? Let your Fiance tell the story his way…and you tell it your way. I think any visitors to your website will get a kick out of the “opposing” views.

Post # 8
Member
1982 posts
Buzzing bee

Yeah, I have to say, I pursued Fiance but I don’t think either of us has thought about it for about… oh, three years or so. I don’t think it matters! Your Fiance should let. it. goooo.

Good for you for just letting it slide though. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 9
Member
7779 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I definitely was the pursuer, but he followed shortly after. He’s the one that did the asking in the first place, lol, I just did lots of flirting.

Post # 11
Member
2054 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I actually understand why you get angry at this…I wouldnt want my SO to be telling everyone that…especially if you are getting married…im not sure what point he is trying to make by saying all that…i was in the opposite situation…SO pursued me…and i was in school and was not interested a year before we actually started dating…and then when I was done with school he asked me out again. But I dont tell anyone that I wasnt interested…or that I only gave it a shot because my friends kind of pushed me to (which is true…I had a bad relationship in the past and was very wary to date anyone). I actually dont think its cute at all…to say it in that way. Maybe if he said this gorgeous girl basically asked me out and I was flattered… that would be really cute if it was in that way…but it doesnt seem to be.

Post # 13
Member
2006 posts
Buzzing bee

I called my Fiance at 2 in the morning plastered and confessed my undying love to him.. while I was in a 3.5 year relationship with another guy :/ Up to that point we had only hung out once or twice (met at the end of senior year because he went to homecoming with my best friend) in the 2.5 years I had known him. and i was living in a different state for school at the time and hadn’t talked to him in close to a year. embarrassing much? I couldn’t even muster up the courage to text him for the next four months Embarassed But now we are happily dating for a year and a half ๐Ÿ™‚

So to answer your question, I am definitely the one who (embarrassingly) pursued Fiance.

Post # 14
Member
2006 posts
Buzzing bee

and did I mention this occurred the night before the Superbowl, a day he can remember because his beloved Giants won that year, so now every year he remembers to bring it up again??

Post # 15
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

I feel that this is a matter of expected gender roles. I am sure everyone has heard many stories about couples who have been married for decades into their old age, where the husband had to ask the wife five times to marry him before she said yes. Or, had to pursue her forever before she agreed to date him. These types of stories generally come across as charming and adorable, in part because we expect women to play hard-to-get as a sort of ladylike defense of their honor. It’s antiquated, but the feeling is still there that there is something somehow wrong, undignified, unladylike or embarrassing about a woman pursuing a man. I can understand you feeling angry, and I might too in your situation, but he probably is just trying to relate a charming anecdote in a reversed style of those old stories you hear sometimes. Tell him that it bothers you, and hopefully he’ll respect your feelings and back off. And perhaps you might try to spend some time focusing on how much gender roles have changed, and come to see your pursuit of your fiance as just as sweet and romantic as if he’d been the one pursuing you.

 

(With my Fiance and I, we pretty much fell for each other the instant we laid eyes on each other. I was the one who made it happen, though, since when I see something I want, I take it! Whereas he was trying to act like a gentleman, pshaw.)

Post # 16
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

It was really mutual for us (we were both shy, too, so we took awhile to admit it and flirted “as friends” for almost a year) but I understand how that would be annoying. I said “I love you” first, but R never brings that up as if it’s a badge of honor, and I’d be slightly annoyed if he did. 

Have you mentioned to your Fiance that it hurts your feelings? Maybe he just thinks it was really cute and brave? A lot of guys like when the girl actively pursues the guy. 

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