Post # 1
Fiance and I fought last night. I want a small wedding. He originally wanted one with 50 guests, and I know as weddings go 50 guests is still considered small. But I wanted something with more immediate family memembers. He had a list of people that he doesn’t even speak with, you know the their technically my family but we never talk and I’m suppose to invite them. So he decided on 5 people on his side, including, his sibling, parents, and grandparent. Then I have all that, and my parents are divorced… my Dad is remarrying. And I wanted my Aunt, and Aunt and Uncle to come because they live in the area and I get together with them/have always been closer to them. He says that’s not fair, since all his aunts and uncles wont be invited.(Which I felt like wasn’t really the case since he doesn’t talk to any of his, or ususally see them, not even on the phone ever.)
Then it was like he realized for the first time that he’s not as close to a lot of people and that upset him and that was throw into the arugment that we were having as well. But he’s telling me that the people that have been around since I was a baby helping me with things in my life cant be there because that’s not technically fair? I just feel like that’s mean and wrong.
The other issue, since we couldn’t agree on a guest list I mentioned eloping. Which was apparently like saying a swear word, since he got really mad at told me that his parents absolutely had to be there.
So why am I opposed to a big wedding?
We’re young, and starting out in life. I don’t want to save up a ton of money, or spend what we make on a wedding that involves people that a. my fiance doesn’t even talk to, and b. have a wedding thats typical what everyone else wants which involves a ton of planning that I don’t have time for since my job is really high stress.
I just really didn’t appreciate him going off like that. I felt like it was more about his issue of not being close to anyone than anything else. Another bad part, my mom and sister were near by and heard everything…. way to seem like we can’t handle ourselves.
I said I was sorry for fighting, I mean I went about things in the wrong way too. He basically didn’t care that I was sorry.
Please outsider insight?
Post # 3
I think weddings touch on so many deeper issues that we don’t expect to come up–things like family relationships, and family connections for example. And then suddenly, there’s an unexpected high level of stress that seems to throw you (the general you) for a loop. And that’s what it sounds like here.
I know when I started wedding planning, I was thinking oh it’ll be fine. I’m sure the stress comes in the planning of the details, but I like planning so it’ll be fine. Then, I realized that much more is involved on a deeper level–who to invite, what does that signify in regards to relationships I have in my life, whose feelings am I going to hurt, how does that affect me, am I being fair to my fiance because my side is bigger than his, how does this affect him (which sounds similar to what you’re going through).
I’m sorry that you’re dealing with the stress that you are…it’s not fun. In regards to suggestions, I’d say maybe try picking a time when you and your fiance are both in a good space and discuss some of the concerns both of you have. The ones you listed are valid, and I have no doubt that he has reasons that feel valid to him–though yours may be more along the practical end of the spectrum, and his more along the emotional end. I think it’s important that you hear him out, and also ask that he does the same for you.
Good luck! And deep breaths. 🙂
Post # 4
ugh… yes. we fought over EVERYTHING!
I’m pretty sure Darling Husband had only been to one wedding before our own — and that’s not an exageration. So anytime I tried to discuss anything with him (venues, churches, decorations, registries) it was “why would we do that?” in a pretty condescending manner… well, at least it felt that way to me. And the stuff he wasn’t questioning me about, it was “I don’t care, do whatever you want.” It ended up being such a sore topic, that I stopped planning on several occasions and eventually we just eloped which was oh-so-easy and fight-free. 🙂
Post # 5
We fought a little bit over the guest list, too. Fiance wanted to invite friends he hasn’t spoken to in over four years, and my family was having to cut their number of invites to accomodate everyone.
We ended up compromising, and everyone was a lot happier for it. Is there a way you could just add his aunts and uncles without their children or anything? I think just compromising a bit will make everyone a lot happier. Also, it may be more important to him to have people there than to have a nicer wedding, so maybe you could scale back on the venue or the food and do something more casual?
Post # 6
We had that same issue. He wanted a big wedding, I wanted tiny. We compromised and decided to have a 30 person ceremony. I’m glad we picked a number (15 on each side) b/c then he could invite who he wanted, as long as it didn’t go over 15 including bridal party. He invited some people that I wouldn’t have picked (he invited girlfriends of good friends while I told my friends it was too small of a ceremony and we just didn’t have room for their spouses and boyfriends), but since he didn’t go over 15 I really didn’t care.
Post # 7
This is the ONE thing we fought about!! I wanted a small intimate beach wedding with parents, grandparents and siblings…that’s it! Well, he wanted his best friend, his aunts/uncles, 2nd and 3rd cousins, step cousins, etc, etc!! I felt like this…I would rather deal with having more people there than I wanted.. than to have to make him get married without everyone he WANTED there. Make sense? As long as the people I LOVE are there, who cares who else comes if it makes him happy.
On the other hand….Grrr…. Because we had originally settled on a smaller guest list…when he decided he wanted to invite EVERYBODY else, I had to order more invitations, a cost I wasn’t expecting. We went from a guest list of 35 to a list of 106!!
We also went from having one Bridesmaid or Best Man and Groomsmen to four BMs and GMs, so more bouquets and bouts, and gifts.
Our budget doubled easily….so depressing. I can think of so many things we could use that money for. lol
So….I guess what I’m saying….if it means that much to him to have certain people there (whether you understand it or not) then let him….IF YOU CAN AFFORD TO!!
In the end…it is his wedding too. I think the reason we fought was because I saw it as MY wedding and always wanted him to give me the answer I was looking for!!
Post # 8
yes we both came in with very different ideas about the wedding, but we are able to compromise eventually!
Post # 9
Here is another bride who wanted a small, intimate, nontraditional wedding but is having the big church extravaganza because her fiance wants it. Don’t feel bad.
We fought over the type of wedding, the ceremony, the colors, whether to have a wedding party, how to pay for things, the ceremony programs. Yesterday we discussed the favors and I was ready to pull my hair out.
Then this morning we went and applied for our marriage license and FH looked so happy and excited that all of the heated discussions and bickering became insignificant.
(I still wish I’d known sooner that Bruce Campbell can officiate weddings. If this had been an option, I would have not bugded on the type of ceremony!)
Post # 10
After my Fiance and I got engaged. He had this whole “It’s my wedding day too” attitude. He HAD to be involved in EVERYTHING! I think sometimes he should be the one wearing the gown, not me. Decisions on the big things, like choosing the venue, photographer, caterer, florist, DJ, etc, we knew we needed to be in agreement with one another, and do that together. The smaller things like choosing stationary, colors, etc, I am handling, but filling the Fiance in on what I am doing. One thing we bicker about is transportation. He wants to rent a Rolls Royce, which is just crazy! It’s not in our budget number 1 and 2, I would be embarrassed to show up to the church in that kind of car. We’re not rich by any means, and I think it’s a bit extravagant for the type of wedding we are having. His heart is in the right place, but he needs to come down to reality. So, I am just going to keep my mouth shut, let him do his research and figure it out on his own.
Post # 11
@Waves2: LOL I loved the comment about him wearing the dress! I was totally thinking my fiance makes a bigger deal out of the wedding than I do.
@jenroh1984: We can’t afford what he wants thats the thing.
@artbee: Yeah that’s going to have to be the thing u get ten i get ten, or whatever. Otherwise it doesn’t seem like it’s going to work. Cuz if things aren’t cut and dry fair it seems like he’s going to have a melt down.
At one point last night i said, if you want to have all these people you can just pay the difference to have them there. No one is helping us out so between the two of us we were going to split the cost of the wedding. He didn’t like that idea so much, and just said fine then they wont come.
I just feel really frustrated and feel bad for feeling that way since he’s my Fiance and I’m suppose to be more loving than this. But right now I’m just mad at him.
Post # 12
@eco-chic: If you can’t afford it then I think you should really talk to him about it. Just from MY experience…we went with the bigger wedding to accomodate all of his family and we really couldn’t afford it either…we are saving EVERY dime right now! And get this….He actually admitted to me the other night that we should’ve stuck with the smaller more intimate wedding….he had no idea how much things cost I guess! Grrr…men. lol
Maybe you guys could compromise….have the bigger wedding but push the date back a little to give more time to save? I really hope it works out for you….just don’t fight…it’s soooo not worth it! We’ve had sooo many silly fights over our guest list that we forgot what the point of our wedding was in the first place! Good Luck!!
Post # 13
Ow! I so relate to this… this is what I’ve figured out ove the last months.
One – Fiance and I approach things differently. I agree with you, I didn’t think that inviting people I hadn’t seen/spoken with in years was important, but it is to Fiance. I just have to accept our differences, and know that it’s ok, it’s his wedding too.
Two – talk about emotionally charged! Fiance has ideas for his wedding, I have ideas for mine, and we’re both surprised at how far those ideas can be from one another. My Future Mother-In-Law gave me the best way to think about this: we both are expressing how much we love one another in this; if we didn’t care so much all the details of wedding planning wouldn’t be so tough.
Three – Focus when fighting; do not throw anything else into the mix, and if SO does so, stop. Also, make sure to stop when you’re getting too angry to be reasonable. Don’t say that hurtful thing you’re thinking, as much as you might want to, it’s not worth what happens next.
I’ve gotten to the point where I see the argument coming, and say ‘can we just fast-forward to what’s under this? Because this is the way the argument has gone X times now, let’s not do that again’. It works pretty well.
Sheesh, I’m tired just going over this! LOL – one month to go for me I’ll be sooo glad when we can relax again.
Post # 14
Fiance and I just yelled at each other over who accompanies who in the ceremony procession. Yup, raising voices, the whole nine, and I even lost it and started tearing up while I was trying to tell him my point of view. And through all of this, a little voice in the back of my head kept saying “When did I become a crazy person?!”.
Luckily, we both cool off pretty quickly and after some alone time to steam off, we kissed and apologized. I guess we are both more than ready for the wedding planning to be over!
Post # 15
not yet *crosses fingers*
Post # 16
So things are better now. Still really have no idea what we’re going to be doing, but at least were not fighting. I really wish that we could just show up on the wedding day and that everything could be pre-decided for us. I hate wedding planning. Sorry, but I’m just looking forward to being married.