(Closed) Did anyone else have a rocky start?/forgiven a cheater?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

Some people have a harder time forgiving and forgetting.  Have you truly forgiven him, or do you still hold that over his head?  He hasn’t done anything recently to make you think he would, has he?  Also, how long ago did this happen?

I think if you know you want to marry this man, please seek individual and couples counseling.  It may tap in to why this is so hard to get over. 

Utlimately, you need to decide if this is the person you truly trust and want to be with, and if so, you need to just let it go.  Easier said than done, but you cannot enter marriage feeling resentful or questioning his intentions.   Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

When my now Darling Husband and I had first gotten together he and my best friend at the time started texting behind my back and meeting for lunch, they never did anything sexually but I was beyond pissed, hurt, and just felt so betrayed on both ends but a little bit more on her part because she was the one I was talking to about how different he was acting and so on….. and she was the reason why!

We talked things through and I cried for about 3 days straight, and then slowly things got back to normal I told my friend how sh***y of a friend she was to do that to me, and I told him how sh***y of a bf he was to do that, I’m no longer friends with that girl, and we have moved on. I’ll never ever forget that time but I have moved on and forgiven him and her, I just have no desire to be her friend anymore. I think it just takes time and a lot of thought about if that person is worthy of you forgiving them.

Post # 5
Member
923 posts
Busy bee

I’m in a similar situation. The forgivness thing is really hard for me. For us what is working right now is talking to a professional about how to get the trust back, that is my biggest issue with him. It’s the everyday things that he follows through with that I need to see, and he needs to be completely transparant to me. I.E. not hiding anything, letting me see his emails if I ask, being completely 100% honest, and getting rid of all the ex-girlfriend baggage. Our conselor told us that she has very rarley met a couple that has been able to carry on relationships with the opposite gender unless they were family, and even the family thing gets complicated.

Everyone is different in what helps them move on, but what I’ve found for myself is that it’s hardest for me to move on when I worry or think it will happen again and feel that he hasn’t heard me or realized my pain. I also felt like if he didn’t realize why he did it in the first place he would be doomed to repeat it. these are all things we are working out with a professional, and it’s a big help. Someone who deals with these things all the time and knows how to bring things back together again. You two are in a great place to be able to do this soul searching before the wedding, this way you can walk down that aisle to him knowing that your future is set.

Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: Private home

When my husband and I first started dating, he cheated on me – several times.

I was out of the country for a few months, and he wasn’t handling it well, hence the cheating.  I didn’t find out for almost a year and when I did, it was not pretty.  We spent almost another year trying to figure out how to work things out and it came down to the choice of me leaving him for good or learning how to forgive him for this BIG breach of trust. 

What helped the most though, was time – we actually spent 2 years in a long distance relationship and that more than anything repaired the trust we had lost. 

It is the hardest thing to forgive cheating – I thought I was one of those “kick him  to the curb” kind of gals, but knowing the reasons why he cheated and how horrible he felt about it made it clear it wasn’t a “once a cheater, always a cheater” situations.

I will say this – Don’t get engaged if you’re even slightly unsure of him, and that includes not being able to forgive how things started.  Until you can look at it as an unfortunate moment in time, then you’re not ready to move on.  And if he’s worth it, you need to move on.

Post # 7
Member
7522 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

I have to ask this.  Why is it whenever a guy crosses a boundary, ie seeing/texting/calling, etc another woman, an ex, whatever, the post will ALWAYS say “But I know nothing physical happened>’

How is it everyone “knows” that with such certainty? Because he said so?

These are guys with a track record of lying or at the least, hiding their behavior with other women.  Why is everyone so quick to believe them when they pinky swear they didn’t actually have sex?

 

Guess I should flag my own post now.

Post # 8
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

@sassy411: Good point!  I have made the same claim… nothing physical happened, he’s just a flirt, blah, blah, blah.  It’s a way to justify things in our minds. It’s a way to get over the hurt of ’emotional cheating’, if that is only what it is. 

Not saying you cannot work this out.  To each her own. Trust is a huge thing in any relationship, and you should not enter a marriage where trust is in question… I had to walk the walk on that one.

OP, take the time you need to sort this out.  Not all relationships are rainbows and sunshine, but they also don’t need to be messy. 

Post # 9
Member
457 posts
Helper bee

Hi OP,

 

I went through something similar with my ex, we even went that far and got engaged. FOR ME, I couldn’t get past the trust issues, he did it too many times and I just couldn’t trust him anymore, no matter how hard I tried. We went to a therapy, but I just couldn’t get passed it, I couldn’t confidently say that there was nothing physical either. I would like to have thought it was just emotional, but at that point I didn’t trust him in any aspect.

However, my best friend has been with her boyfriend for 6 years and she was able to get passed it, forgive and forget, and have a great relationship. Some people can get passed it and some people can’t. You’re not right or wrong if you do either. For me maybe if my ex only did it once to me I could have gotten past it, but it was several times I caught him in that lie and that’s what did the damage to me.

Good luck to you!

Post # 10
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

My husband hooked up with his ex-girlfriend when we had been dating about 10 months.  I was in Texas and they both lived in Michigan and dated 7 years before we were together.  One day we got in a fight & he went to a car show with her and they kissed.

Granted, he told me, I didn’t find out.  But what I did find out is that they had been still talking to each other about once a day, even though he told me he had cut off contact with her (she had a truck leased in his name).

That hurt a lot, and I said I was not going to continue to be in a relationship with him and his ex, and especially given the distance it would not work.  That was in October of 08.

He moved the week before Christmas in 08, changed his phone number, his email address, etc, etc, and has never talked to her again.  In April 09 he proposed and we were married last weekend with no signs of the ex girlfriend (I know some of his family still talks to her up there, but as far as I know she has a bf and DID at the time they went to the car show, dummies).

So YES, YES it is hard.  Something like that just doesn’t go away, and he needs to be willing to talk to you about it if you still have problems.  There is a lot of work he needs to do on his end to make things better.

The first year, even after my husband move, OH BOY.  I was a total mess.  And I think my situation is considerably better than what it could’ve been…but you just don’t know what that does to a person until it happens to you.

That was over 2 years ago, and I have healed tremendously.  I think it comes down to deciding if that was a bad lapse in judgement on his part (which mine was) or if they are REALLY that kind of person.

I know if my husband hadn’t told me, moved ASAP and he even went to my family’s house and apologized to MY DAD, I would have absolutely moved on.  They need to be remorseful, sad and as hurt as you, that’s my belief.

Long story short, it can work if you work together.  Good luck sweetie.

Post # 11
Member
1537 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@sassy411: I agree with you in a way. As much as we all like to believe that “nothing physical happened” 9 times out of 10 it has and your man is not fessing up to it. If a man admits to the texting and the phone calls than he can cover his tracks and seem innocent (for coming clean) even if more actually did happen. I’m not saying this is the case for everyone and their man, but it does happen more often than us ladies would like to admit.

On to advice for the OP. My man and I had a bit of a rocky start. We’ve been totally infactuated with each other from the start, but it took us some time to work through baggage and actually grow a real love and respect for each other. Fiance had an ex that just wouldn’t let go and before we were an “official” couple he was pretty much two-timing me with her. At the time I was pretty upset, but we hadn’t set any clear boundaries about a “relationship” yet so there was a period of time when we were in a grey area. Needless to say it came down to me pretty much giving him an ultimatum. I didn’t like thinking about him sleeping with another woman or the other rumors I had been hearing, so I finally laid everything out in the open. I told him he had to choose her or me, but that I wouldn’t be sticking around without a relationship. In the end it only took one ngiht for him to decide and he cut all ties with her. We’ve been in a solid, happy, faithful relationship ever since.

If things are similar with your man than you have to remember to give him the benefit of the doubt. You can’t live in a relationship with no trust, it just dosen’t work. If your man has smartened up and he has decided to devout himself to you and to be faithful to you then you need to give him credit for that. The past is the past and if he hasn’t done anything wrong recently than try to remind yourself that during that time of your lives together you learnt a lot about what you want from each other. You can’t punish him for the past if you’ve moved on and forgave him already. If you continue to hold it over his head he might develop the feeling, “damned if I do damned if I don’t” and that never ends well. If you continue to mistrust him than he might think it’s not even worth it to try to build that trust if you won’t even break down that wall. Do you know what I mean?

I always try to remind myself that he chose me, he’s with me, and he loves me. For those reasons I can do nothing but trust my man because I expect the same from him. Try to have faithin him and take the extra time to change your thinking about trust. Counselling might help for this. Good luck 🙂

Post # 12
Member
7300 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I couldn’t forgive cheating early on in the relationship. I have no time of feelings invested so I would cut myself loose. Now if it was a long term relationship, I would have to search myself to forgive.

Post # 13
Member
426 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

@sassy411: 100% agree with you. I always remember that movie with Zach Braff, The Last Kiss. I always think men who’ve cheated will lie until their last breath to hide something “worse” that will hurt you more and get them in more trouble. I think if faced with the truth that some things happened, I’d have to base my willingness to forgive on the premise and possibility that all things happened.

Post # 14
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@lola2011: I find that extremely narrow-minded and that opinion is not really why she started this thread.  Sassy’s original comment is just rude and not relevant to the OP’s posting.  Sounds like you gals could have your own thread debating this topic, but as a person who has been in the situation, the comments are unecessary and not helpful.

Post # 15
Member
426 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

@deetroitwhat: I’m just saying I would have to base my decision to forgive on the fact that more may have happened than I know about. I don’t see how that’s debatable. I’m also sorry you’ve gone thru what you have. I don’t appreciate being called narrow minded. But eh. Oh well. Sticks and stones…

 

To answer the OP’s original question. I’ve tried in the past to get through it with an ex and at the end of the day I decided crying on the bathroom floor from the confusion, doubt and pain weren’t worth it for me. At this point if a relationship started that way, I’d leave. I’m not currently faced with the issue.

Post # 16
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Unfortunately my experience isn’t what you want to hear.  I dated a guy in college that started out like this.  Actually it was about a year of ‘sort of’ dating.  We hung out and went on dates, but he couldn’t commit to anything.  He even dated another girl in our dorm at the same time that I eventually found out about.  After about a year or so he decided to actually take our relationship seriously.  I was young and dumb and was so happy he had finally come around.  We dated for about a year after that and he eventually cheated on me two days after I had thrown a birthday party for him.  I stupidly took him back for a time, but eventually realized I’d never get over it.  While I think it is possible for people to change, I’d worry that down the road something would happen again.  

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