Post # 1
Member
415 posts
Helper bee
I guess I’m getting a little nervous. We’re a lesbian couple, and we’re each going to have 1 guy and 1 girl (hopefully…) stand up with us.
My guy is my best friend of a million years (well since 10th grade religion class when we realized we were the only homos in the class!) and then I want to ask a girl I did my undergrad with. We’re still friends and we were really close in undergrad. I don’t think she’ll say no, but my self doubting mind says “SHES GONNA SAY NO!” – but then I think about it, would anyone really say no? I plan on giving them these (but I’m getting one to say “Will you be my bridesman?” for the guy) when I take them both out for lunch or dinner, so it’d be really awkward if she said no (peer pressure!):
Has anyone ever said no or heard any stories about bridesmaids saying no?
Post # 3
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
That is a very cute way to ask! I hope it works out!
I have only said no to being a bridesmaid because it was in another city and my money situation at the time was tight. I did attend the wedding, but the costs of being a bridesmaid would have been too much for me.
Post # 4
Member
79 posts
Worker bee
I said no to being a bridesmaid once, it was after I had been Maid/Matron of Honor in three weddings in one year, my friend hadn’t started planning yet but she was really excited and was going on and on about her plans and how we were all going to be in the wedding. I told her that if she really really wanted I would do it but that I’d be really happy to just enjoy her day – I know that she has closer friends who she could ask and my bf is her FI’s best friend so he is obviously a groomsman and at her full disposal. She understood and I think her feelings were not hurt.
If you are worried a Bridesmaid or Best Man will say ‘no’ consider her reasons for doing so: money, distance, she could be really busy, for me one of the reasons was partially that I had already helped three firends get married before me and I was fed up with having to put my sweat and blood into other people’s weddings when I didn’t even get to have my own (full disclosure).
If you’re worried about her saying “no” at lunch – would it be worthwhile to call her first and talk to her about it and say something like ” hey I’m getting married! this isn’t your official bridesmaid proposal but I want to take you and _____ to lunch and ask you to be my bridesmaid/man and I was wondering if you would like to” – it would be at least good to tell her you’re getting married before this as springing “hey I’m getting married SURPRISE and will you be my bridesmaid you have to decide right now!” on someone is creating a situation where they aren’t making an informed decisision because they feel pressured to respond.
Post # 5
Member
415 posts
Helper bee
@ShesElectric: Valid. She doesn’t have a reason to say no like distance or money. I don’t really think she’ll say no, like I don’t have a concrete reason why I think she would. I just am nervous I guess – while I’m very good at dating women, I sometimes am really awkward about being friends with straight girls.
She’s never been in a wedding before, we’re 22 and just graduated, so I don’t think she’s “wedding-ed out” or anything like that. She likes my fiancee. I’m sure she’ll say yes. She came to my ceremony when I converted to Judaism.
I think I may pre-ask her this weekend and then when the handkerchiefs come in, I’ll take her and my bridesman out for lunch and give them it then. I think the whole giving a headsup might be a good idea.
Post # 6
Member
5109 posts
Bee Keeper
THat is so cute. I dont think they will say no they seem close to you. I did say no to being a bridesmaid once, but the girl and I were literally almost strangers we went to the same college but never hung out or had a class together, then she started working at my work and we worked a few sifts together and she asked me. I felt a little weird about it, and her wedding was two months before my wedding she just got married 9-10-11 and I knew I couldnt have any added expense with our wedding coming up so I said no. BUT like I said that sounds so insainly different from your situation. You should be fine, dont be nervouse!!!
Post # 7
Member
5091 posts
Bee Keeper
I had one accept, then back out, then re-accept. She is coming from Japan, and she doesn’t know for absolute certain that she and her family would be able to make it, so she said she didn’t want to inconvenience me at all if I bought her dress and all that, and then it turned out that she couldn’t make it. I told her that I would be disappointed if she couldn’t come, but I would totally understand, and I would really like her to be able to stand up with me if at all possible, so she said she would do it.
If you’re friends and there isn’t a reason like money or distance making things difficult, then I don’t think there is any reason for anyone to say no.
Good luck!
Post # 8
Member
3457 posts
Sugar bee
I wasn’t sure if my SIL (brother’s wife) would accept because at my cousin’s wedding, she got my Fiance to promise she wouldn’t have to do anything should we get married. Later, after we got engaged, she did take it back, but she had said it because she had been burnt out with a lot of people expecting her to do things related to cousin’s wedding and her family events.
I didn’t want her to feel pressured so I wrote her a card asking her to be one that I gave to her in person (the thought being she could read the card and think about it/open when she wanted to, and would be less on the spot) when they flew out for a visit. At the end, I said my Fiance had promised not to have her do anything, but not me, however, I totally understand if she wanted to decline. She said yes, but I reiterated it was ok to say no, but so she knew, in that case my brother might be on the chopping block as a bridesmate. (I much prefer bridesmate term to bridesman…but we’re a nautical family.)
Post # 9
Member
415 posts
Helper bee
@kay01: That’s really nice. I’m sure she appreciated it.
I’m guess I’m just scared of rejection since I don’t really know who I’ll ask if she says no.
Post # 10
Member
3367 posts
Sugar bee
I just want to say I love the way you are asking… so pretty. Your description of the best man reminds me of a close friend from high-school who came out after I graduated and left… (she and her best male friend were each other’s moral support). I wish I had been there with her to share the day and celebrate!
Not really helpful, but hopefully encouraging.
Post # 11
Member
415 posts
Helper bee
@jjmomma: Thanks! The Etsy seller who makes them better hurry! haha. I really really really want to do this soon so I can just relax. The girl I want to ask won’t have to do any planning stuff with me since I’ve got my fiancee, so I hope it’s not a stressful thing for her.
Post # 12
Member
3457 posts
Sugar bee
If you’re not expecting much in the way of planning, then I’d let them know that. Always a selling point 🙂
And I know it’s tempting to think about a “replacement” if she does say no, but resist the urge to balance sides or have an even number. If that’s who jumps out first to you, then, I’d stick with it even if she says no and it’s off numbers. I opted all family (sister Maid/Matron of Honor, still need to ask cousin, SIL), because I didn’t feel I could choose between friends.
Post # 13
Member
415 posts
Helper bee
@kay01: Part of me thinks that since shes 22 and relatively inexperienced, she doesn’t even know things that are “expected” of bridesmaids. The only thing I’d expect of her is the dress.
How should I bring that up? :S
Post # 14
Member
2193 posts
Buzzing bee
I had a Bridesmaid or Best Man say no. Granted she is 48, married with children and told me she would feel ackward standing up with all my younger friends. A good reason! She will be a reader instead. 🙂
I was nervous too about asking another friend. We used to be very close and spent tons of time together but now she is doing the single girl thing and I am home with Fiance and my daughter. But we are still good friends, pick up like it was yesterday!
Your friend will probably be so flattered that she won’t say no. Especially since she is younger and doesn’t know to be afraid. LOL. After she says yes just get her excited talking about going shopping for her dress, etc. I am sure she will understand that she has to get one. Good luck!
Post # 15
Member
3457 posts
Sugar bee
@jacinda10: Well, if she’s younger, she’s unlikely to know there are expectations of many to help out planning. (At age 17-19 during her engagement, I certainly had no idea or thought of helping my sister, although if she asked, I would have). Maybe just say, “Before you say yes or no, I want you to know that while I’d certainly love your input and be delighted if you wanted to be involved in planning the wedding, my only expectation is that you purchase your dress – I don’t expect my attendants to buy shoes, pay for hair, or attend 12 bridal shows with me! And I’ll try to keep the cost of the dress realistic – I’m thinking ~$X.”
Post # 16
Member
415 posts
Helper bee
@kay01: Yeah that actually sounds really good! Thanks for the advice 🙂