Post # 46
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
The problem with only being attracted to someone emotionally or because of how much you love them, is that once problems crop up in your relationship and you become resentful and lose that emotional closeness, the attraction goes right out the window and you don’t even want the person to touch you. Been there, done that. It’s awful for both of you.
It’s been said here before, but I think some amount of inherent and non-“learned” physical attraction is the only difference between a spouse and a really good, caring roommate / best friend.
Post # 47
I’m not taking anything as rude or judgmental : ) I see how my reasons for bringing up these questions can seem confusing, especially after what I brought up in my first post. I also don’t think I knew exactly how to word what I was trying to get at when I started writing this so I apologize for the cloudy intent. To answer your question, I’m not looking for advice or validation in staying. The responses from my other post simply got me thinking a lot about how people make choice after choice after choice in a relationship, all of which eventually lead to their unique relationship dynamic that is either healthy or unhealthy.
When I started this thread I was specifically focused on the factors of initially attraction, initial unattraction, or the ability to grow attracted, and how each of those things impact a relationship differently. So while I included anecdotes from my original post to show what was prompting me to think about this topic, I was not necessarily looking for responses that related back to my individual situation (see the bottom paragraph of my first post on this thread where I was asking to hear from people regarding attraction in their own current or past relationships, rather than commentary on my own relationship dynamics).
I’ve been finding it interesting to read about how some people need that initial attraction while some had a more slow burning love and attraction that grew, but for others it led to resentment especially when the relationship got rocky. I think there is another interesting layer that gets added on when some women purposely choose their spouse based on “the whole package,” which in turn helps them to overlook a lack of attraction (at least until the rest of the “package” starts to deteriorate for one reason or another).
Post # 48
sunbear : Not really. Either I am attracted or not and I can’t force myself. And as an older bee (50 plus), I will say that the argument “everyone ages and looks different” makes no sense at all. There is no age limit on attaction (ok, maybe 85 or 90 but I’m not there yet)
Post # 49
tiffanybruiser : This is me exactly. If I agreed to a date with someone I was just trying to give a chance to, I would end up not going )
Post # 50
sunbear : I was indeeed attracted to Darling Husband the first time we met, and I still am. But he wasn’t my “type”. I’m tall-ish (5’8”) and I’m from a mixed race family. I dated guys who were over 6′, usually atheltic, and almost always black guys. I tried to date white guys and I didn’t connect with them well. But Darling Husband is 5’10” and from a mixed race family that is Indian and white, not black. We connected more than anyone else I’ve ever known. So yes, I was attracted to him, but he didn’t fit the mold of guys I normally dated. I liked that about him.
However – in regards to your OP, and in regards to the post that you linked to – I don’t think attraction is your issue. I think you are in a marriage with someone who is NOT your peer, someone who is not contributing to the marriage. I think you want this to be about attraction so you can somehow take the blame, or make it fixible, or just beat yourself up over it. This isn’t your fault. You’re being a wife to someone who is not being a husband to you. It wouldn’t matter if he looked like George Clooney. He’s not an active part of the marriage.
Post # 51
sunbear : I empathise so much with all you’re saying. You sound like such a good person. And under it all, he sounds like a good guy too. Just with glaring faults (that are hard to overlook)
It does sound a little like you may stay in this relationship until you really snap, which may be a long time and there’s no judgement from me about that, I know how hard it is. I find it a little strange on this forum that women are quick to say to leave and how simple that should be. Dissolving a relationship of years is never easy or simple. Maybe he’d be better suited to someone else who doesn’t mind a slobby house and games with him, but there will be a long period of time he will be lonely, dejected, lost and heartbroken. When you still care about someone, thinking about putting them through that, even if it’s not doing them favours, selflessly staying can seem infintely preferable.
As for growing attraction back, I think it will take more than cosmetic overhauling. You know what needs to change. A separation period when you can grow to miss him, and perhaps he can “grow up” can make you see him with fresh eyes. I know I’ve personally bumped into an ex before and I had been attracted to his humor and charm all over again, not so much his looks. I even began day dreaming about him, even though I knew he could be a colossal jerk and as irritating as an ass pimple. Attraction is a funny thing.
Post # 52
I think my first long term relationship was like this — I was not attracted at first and never really thought he was attractive, but ended up becoming friends with him and we got along well and he treated me very well, and I was young so it was very appealing to have someone want to be with me and treat me like a goddess. I stayed in that relationship wayyyy too long. After the honeymoon stage, I ended up avoiding having sex because I really wasn’t attracted. I felt bad leaving, but it was absolutely the right thing to do – for both of us. He deserved to date someone who was attracted to him, and I deserved to date someone I was attracted to. I thought it was shallow to require attraction, but I don’t think that at all anymore — if anything, I think it’s selfish to hang onto someone you’re not into. The dynamic in my relationship was unhealthy for both of us. I’m sure he sensed that I wasn’t as into him as he was into me, even if I tried not to show it, and I grew resentful and desperate to get out. Now I think mutual attraction is pretty key to romantic relationships, assuming both partners want to have an active sex life. If this is the person you’re gonna be with for the rest of your life, it better be a satisfying relationship, and for me that involves sex and attraction.
Post # 53
sunbear : I tried dating a guy for 2 weeks that was great on paper and he was attractive just not for me. Fiance is less than perfect on paper, and he is not model type either, but he is perfect for me, cant even imagine loving anyone more than him. 😍
Post # 54
Call me crazy, but no one needs a reason to leave. It is possible to decide you just want to leave. If you need a reason, look no further than your own unhappiness. That’s as good a reason as any to leave.
As far as “learning” to be attracted to your husband… Not with the way he’s currently living his life. If he was the same person you marrried, it could be possible. But why settle in life? You only get one. Stop staying with him out of pity, for you and for him. Maybe he’ll find someone he wants to change for and be the man he was once before, and you can find simmer you actually want to be around.
Not everyone brings the best out of a partner. Find someone you bring the best out in, and that brings the best out of you. And free him to do the same.
Post # 55
spearmint : This is me totally with my partner. Before I met her I was very concerned with how people look and I had to be 100% into them sexually from the get go. This caused me to stay in some very bad relationships, I ignored huge red flags, got treated badly, dated people I was completely incompatible with, just because sexually, I was massively attracted to them. It wasn’t even that the sex was particularly good, yes there was a lot of sexual chemistry, but the sex was not great, it just seemed like it was because of how much I wanted it.
I fell for my current partner’s personality before I did her looks. I really clicked with her and I’d never met anyone who treated me so well, who was so genuine and such an amazing person. I had a few months in the beginning where I had a lot of anxiety because I wasn’t sure if I was as attracted to her as I should be. I was comparing it to previous relationships and flings and it just wasn’t the same.
Over time though she became more and more attractive to me, and now I’m completely in love with her and think she’s beautiful. She’s my best friend, my soulmate and I couldn’t be happier. I rarely get that “I want to rip your clothes off” feeling I’ve had with previous partners, but I’m okay with this, because I know how much happier I am now and I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. The sex is acutally the best I’ve ever had in that I feel the most connected to her and she always tries really hard to please me and does! I do miss that raw sexual attraction sometimes, but I wouldn’t give all this up just for a bit more passion.
Post # 56
Is OP’s husband the guy who is addicted to gaming and doesn’t believe in the most rudimentary hygiene practices?
If so–OP, you may be agonizing over nothing. If you were to leave him, he may not notice. If you don’t pitch a big goodbye scene, it may escape his attention entirely.
Oh, he may put on a good show if you leave him, after all, you’re useful. But, I doubt that he’ll feel pain the way you do. His first love is his substance of choice. In his case, gaming.
Post # 57
I was actually sort of chasing a different guy when I met my Darling Husband…so yeah lol.
We’ve been together for 12 years now and he’s my best friend and the most amazing husband and father. I couldn’t even imagine life without him. But I would say it was like the other poster said, it was more of a “slow burn” at the start.
I’ve also had the opposite: crazy fiery passion but the guy was just so. fucking. dull. everywhere else. I mean eye candy and sex is great and all, but I need someone that keeps me interested the other 23 hours a day too.
As far as your actual situation, I’ve done a fair amount of online gaming myself, and I honestly don’t think he will change unless you completely get rid of the xbox. I’ve known multiple guys who were SAHDs who were really just ignoring their kids all day playing games, while their wives worked 60 hours a week to support them. One guy moved to his parents house when his wife cancelled the internet (they had 4 kids too that he just abandoned in favor of video games). Another opted to move himself and his wife into her parent’s basement so he’d have more time to game instead of working. You get the point. That kind of shit doesn’t change unless something drastic is done IMO. If you’re throwing away relationships, hygiene, work etc it’s an addiction.
Post # 58
I actually told my now husband that things weren’t going to work because I wasn’t attracted to him in the bginning. He is shorter than I am, had longish hair he wore in a man bun and earrings when we met. None of those are things I like. However, we stayed friends and had lots of fun together. He cut his hair and I decided to give things another shot with us. I became attracted to him because a.:he cut his hair and b. ) because he is a super nice person, funny, smart, etc. I still think he is handsome but we don’t have nearly as much sex as we did when we first met. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other and now it is more of a deep love.
Post # 59
Kindasorta. Not really.
My fiance had a gut when we met and I quickly accepted it. Having an awesomely handsome face and not letting it get bigger helped a lot. It’s actually unnoticeable when he’s dressed because he wears flannels all the time to hide it. It just kind of surprised me when the clothes came off for the first time.
It’s just one thing that I sort of wanted him to work on. I wasn’t totally turned off by it.
It sounds like you’re repulsed by your SO. I don’t know what to tell you. The lack of personal hygiene is just disgusting.
Post # 60
ellsiepig : He can solve the bad breath thing with toothpaste and mouthwash within about one minute