Post # 1
So, here is the thing. Fiance wants babies, or at least a baby, wants us to start trying after the wedding in August (I am 32 right now so would be 33 if we got preggers right away). However, I am still unsure if I want kids. Here’s why; I am a step parent, for almost 3 years now to a great little boy. I have struggled (dear god it’s been so hard), and I wonder how different it feels to be a “real” parent. I often get resentful, frustrated in general at how hard everything is, and how SS challenges my faculties constantly with his little boy issues. I don’t have the warm fuzzy proudness parents seem to have over every little accomplishment. And I wondered, do you really change so much by getting pregnant? Does it alter you in drastic ways? I fear if we have our own child, I might feel the same way. Don’t get me wrong, I love SS, but there are days I wish he didn’t live with us full time, and that I didn’t have to raise him.
To those of you who didn’t think they wanted kids or never had the urge, but got preggers anyways, did you change after? Did you *want* it? Do you ever regret it?
Post # 3
@Take The Reins: This is such an interesting post and I want to see the answers. I’m pregnant now. I also have a bonus son who is 4. I love him dearly and so many people mention that “I treat him as if he was my own”, but I’m wondering if that’s really true. If I will somehow feel different about the one that comes out of me. I don’t want to treat them differently at all, but I have moments where being a parent stinks and I assume it’s the same when it’s biological or not.
Post # 4
My mom never had an overwhelming urge to have kids, never got excited at the sight of other peoples’ kids. They weren’t her kids so she felt no emotional reaction. She wasn’t super maternal towards them. I feel the same way and asked my mom if it was normal. For her it was. She said she felt emotional attachment and could get excited about her own kids (and went on to have 5 of them) but never really felt much for other children. I don’t know if this helps you, but it helped me. Made me worry less about the fact that I didn’t feel overly maternal towards other children, which I thought was a prerequisite to being a good mom.
Post # 5
Honestly, yes. I always kind of thought it was garbage, but being a parent really did change me.
I suddenly felt a strong sense of responsibility about my life/my son’s (I was really wild and not really focused), I became much more aware of my own mortality, I felt emotions I didn’t know I was capable. All the things I’ve heard were true.
But, I’m still me. It’s hard to explain. I’ve never really been an overly affectionate, nurturing type, and sometimes this carries over to me being a parent. Yes, I cuddle and hug my son a lot, but not as much as I see some other moms doing. I don’t speak in baby talk. I treat my son like an adult a lot of the time. That’s part of who I am, and that didn’t change.
Most days, I can’t imagine my life any other way. Although it’s difficult a lot of the time, I wouldn’t change it. But, I’m human, and I have those moments of doubt when I think life without children would be easier and freer. I always regret those thoughts later, but, if I’m being honest, yes, I have my moments of doubt.
I don’t think you’ll know how you feel until you actually get pregnant. It’s some pretty powerful stuff.
Post # 6
@claireos: It does help some, thanks!
I guess I am just most worried about not liking my kids…if that makes sense. I love SS, but sometimes I sure don’t like having him around! I fear all those awful stories you hear about moms leaving their kids might one day be me. Though I’ve stuck it out with SS for this long, I can’t see one of my own being any harder!
Post # 7
@les105: Thanks, it’s nice to hear that from a mom. I am also not overly affectionate in my daily life, nor was I raised that way. I don’t get htose gushing types. Seems odd to me lol. I have known girls who get pregnant young and I think at the time wow, recipe for disaster, only to see them blossom into amazing parents who do such a great job with their kids.
I hate failure, and often if I fear it, I won’t try. Maybe this is where my fear stems from. It’s not like I can return my baby if I suck at being a mom, at least SS isn’t mine exactly. I do have a bit of a return policy lol.
Post # 8
@mwitter80: I also get the comments about my SS, people can’t beleive he is not mine, for the way I treat him and he treats me. I have also gotten the comments about him looking like me, which I find funny lol.
Post # 9
I am not a full-fledged parent yet (almost!) but I can say that I already view our baby differently. Other people’s kids annoy the heck out of me.
@les105: I plan to be like this. I can’t imagine being a baby-talking helicopter mom. We’re definitely planning to treat our kids like adults too.
Post # 10
My mom my mom! I recognized at a very early age my mom wasn’t like other kids. She didn’t particpate in any soccer mom, PTA, etc activites. She HATED kids growing up, and still *doesn’t care for* polite way to say she still hates kids. My brother and I? Well, we’re her pride and joy of course. But, she’s not affectionate. My mom NEVER says I love you, NEVER hugs us, but I’ll be damned if my mom doesn’t love me with her whole heart. I read your post to mom, and she said there’s no “normal” way to feel about your kids (as long as it’s like not incest or anything crazy!) Her feelings towards us is love which is something she never experienced towards any other kids, but even still she doesn’t show it in the gushy kind of way. That’s just my mom.
Post # 11
@Mrs.Elivs: This sounds like my mom. But honestly, at this point in my life, it makes me sad. I wish I had the kind of relationship with my mom like a lot of my friends growing up with do. I would never view my mom as close nor as a best friend. That makes me sad and I hope to do things differently with my children in the future.
I guess it comes down to why our moms are this way. I think my mom is very closed off and she allows us in as close as she can. But I want to allow my kids in as is healthy for both of us. I want to look back at the fun times in life and remember my mom…but I don’t, and that makes me sad and like I missed out.
I’ve often wondered if my mom didn’t want to have kids but felt societal pressure to do so and that’s why it’s always a competition with her and not that loving and nurturing relationship.
I suppose this might not be what the OP was hoping to hear, but these are the things that make me question my mom.
Post # 12
@Take The Reins: I have three boys, I love them beyond measure, I always assumed I’d be a mom, and… there are days that are so trying I definitely don’t have the warm fuzzies toward them!! Like the PP who said there’s no normal. I think if you’re invested in their well-being and ability to function as healthy adults, what you bring to motherhood is what’s normal for your family. I have moments of pure joy, utter frustration, total appreciation, and longing for quiet time. I think it’s the natural rhythm of life. But, it’s also natural to not want children at all. How old is your SS?
Post # 13
@MrsConnick: You bring up very valid points. But, I guess I should’ve mentioned- my mom IS my best friend. She has always been more like a best girl friend. She treated me like an adult from an early age in that she expected me to ask for things and not throw temper tantrums, I picked out my own clothes very young, and etc. I also have an older brother, so that made me very mature. That combined with a military dad meant we were very well-behaved no acting out/sneaking out etc here! My dad on the other hand is super affectionate. I probably have more of my mom’s personality, but I see where you come from that you have to make sure you can still have that close relationship.
Post # 14
I got pregnant and it was a total surprise. I was in my own mind, 10 years from even considering children. So I wasn’t exactly thrilled and kids scared me. I didn’t dislike children, I just didn’t take an interest in them.
Now that I have a little girl? I am completely “awwwwwww!’ over babies and kids. It changed me a lot.
Post # 15
Hiya – I would say Yes and No. I was never a kid/baby person before, and after I had my son I became a MY baby person. I not only love him, I really like him. I like being around him. I kind of like being around his friends – but kids younger/older don’t interest me much, although I am a bit more interested than I used to be…..that said, I would imagine there are some people who won’t feel that way and shouldn’t ever have kids. It isn’t easy to figure out – or at least it wasn’t for me!
see this thread, it might help!
Post # 16
@Take The Reins: I feel the same way about kids. I like them for like an hour but then it’s ok that they can go back to the parent. And if I was the parent then I’d be stuck with them all the time. And let’s be hones. Kids are freakin annoying.
I also fear not liking my kid if I were to have one.