Did having a baby help or hurt your relationship?

posted 2 months ago in Babies
  • poll: Did having a baby hurt or help your marriage?
    Hurt : (26 votes)
    49 %
    Help : (7 votes)
    13 %
    Neither-our relationship stayed the same : (20 votes)
    38 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    601 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    Hurt, at least at first. Everyone is tired, cranky, no personal time, no personal space, (I’m stereotyping here but it was true for me) one parent seems to feel they “know how to do everything best” and the other is doing things like bathing the baby “wrong” which causes resentment….it’s like throwing a grenade into a relationship.

    Post # 3
    Member
    2136 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    We’re almost at the 1 year mark with our daughter and while we’ve had some of our best days together, I would say it’s hurt us more in the past year. It is such a HUGE adjustment going from being the two of you only who are self sufficient adults who can take care of themselves to having a little person that relies on your for everything and they come first in that time of need. I think for my husband he had the hardest time adjusting to someone else having most of my attention and that caused a lot of arguements. I had a hard time with his lack of help at the beginning because the beginning is all work. They aren’t crawling and babbling yet, they literally sleep, eat, poop/pee, repeat and he just wasn’t interested and it made me sad and upset becaue I felt like I was getting no help. Now at almost a year, she’s crawling, almost walking, says a few words and is SOOO much fun. He’s taken over bathtime and getting her ready for bed and we are SOOO much happier but it took awhile for us to get here, that’s for sure.

    Post # 4
    Member
    7993 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I guess ours was between “Help” and “Stayed the Same”. There was nothing wrong with our relationship to begin with, but seeing DH be such a great father has definitely made me love and respect him in a totally different way.

    DH was honestly really amazing at helping though, and still is. Dd just turned 2.

    Post # 5
    Member
    478 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    at first, it puts a strain on your marriage because you both are 100% survival mode. Its about learning together and growing together. Having a baby (who is now a crazy rambunctious two year old) has given us some lows and highs, but overall it brought us closer together. life isnt easier, our marriage suffered, but we came out of that first year TOGETHER. I voted hurt, because the first year did hurt us. It also changed us. Now things are better than ever, but it took time to get here. 

     

    Post # 6
    Member
    210 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2014

    We have a 6 month old baby girl. I voted ‘hurt’ because I believe that is true for the first year.

    We have a very high needs baby. She was colicky, she refused to nap (she was awake 7am-8pm without a peep of sleep at 6 weeks old!), she has severe reflux (to the point that she would stop breathing) and she has a severe milk protein allergy that has warranted regular appointments and testing with a specialist. The first 4 months were so hard! We were running on little sleep, she wouldn’t allow us to put her down during the day, she cried unless we bounced her while facing her outward, etc. I often felt like my husband didn’t take initiative with baby related tasks which made me resentful and frustrated. Most days it was impossible for me to even get a shower so I often felt defeated and overwhelmed which caused me to be snappy and I was probably unenjoyable to be around lol.

    That being said, she is SO much fun now and all of the issues I mentioned above are a thing of the past. Now that she is more interactive my husband loves playing with her and it has been amazing to watch their relationship grow. He is an awesome dad and he loves her so much! We are usually cracking up over something hilarious that she does and there are so many instances when I just stop and think “THIS is what I imagined having a family would be like.”

    So I guess my point is that it’s really hard at first but if you’re committed and you both understand that it’s just a season your relationship will be rewarded in the long term.

    Post # 7
    Member
    245 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2018

    I hope it wont hurt lol. Having the baby before we get married next year. But our relationship has been through a lot. I know babies can change things but I think if your relationship is strong to begin with it shouldn’t get worse when having a baby together.

    Post # 8
    Member
    2135 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    Helped.. It brought us so much closer and made us fall in love all over again in a different way. It also taught us so much about each other’s deepest insecurities and how we behave at our weakest moments. Confirmed to me that I married the right guy. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    505 posts
    Busy bee

    I think it depends on the relationship..

    My first marriage failed during my pregnancy and we officially separated shortly after I gave birth.  Having a child accelerated the breakdown of our marriage.  

    With my current husband, having a baby has brought us closer together.  There have been rough nights and the birth process was terrifying at times, but for us it’s been a bonding experience.  He’s an incredibly dedicated partner and it’s been especially obvious during the newborn period. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    3049 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    I don’t think a baby can ever help a relationship that “needs” help. It can bring you together in new, wonderful ways if you already have a strong relationship. But it’s HARD as hell. I have a 3 month old who doesn’t sleep and can’t be put down. It’s been trying, but it makes me appreciate my husband in new ways for sure. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    4141 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    Wow, the poll results are pretty scathing!

    Post # 13
    Member
    5703 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    bee123456789 :  “I am on the fence about having kids, partially because I feel like it would totally change DH & I’s relationship for the worse.”

    Oh my god I SO identify with this concern.  No kids yet, but the same thoughts are going through my mind.  I really like my relationship just hte way it is and I have a bad habit of seeing a baby as adding a ton of stress that I really don’t need or want.  I tend to forget the good parts.

    That said, my sister just visited with her 2 little ones for 10 days.  It reminded me that babies alternate between being frustrating and being total joy machines.  The 4 year old is halarious and makes you wnat to come home from work and play.  The 3 month old doesn’t exactly entertain you, but I just love snuggling her and smellling her little head and trying to make her smile.  The visit did a lot to make me feel less like I want to have a nervous breakdown when I think about having kids.

    Of course, my sister lives in Canada where both she and her DH get to take parental leave.  I live in the USA.  It’s a really big difference.  

    Post # 14
    Member
    598 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2017

    This is a HUGE fear of mine also.  DH and I have talked about TTC next year or the following year and we both worry that we will be too busy taking care of the kid that we forget about each other.  I also work OT and commute 100 miles a day and sometimes don’t even have energy for the dog so I’m like how can we have a kid? The poll results are a little scary to think that majority said “hurt.” 

    Post # 15
    Member
    8761 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    I wouldn’t say help, because that implies to me that things aren’t good to begin with, but it certainly brought a new and expanded dimension of love, pride, teamwork, and bonding. I will always cherish and remember that special time. H was very hands on and involved, which was tremendously helpful. 

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