Did he cheat & what do I do? (LONG)

posted 2 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 32
11861 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

bangell08 :  don’t get confused by if this is cheating or not. That really doesn’t matter; it’s a degree of betrayal, and this was a betrayal given boundaries you clearly laid out. What matters is how you feel. To get you started:

1. Do you feel like you can and do trust him with your most intimate self. 

2. Do you feel loved and cherished and full with him, and this is just a bump in the road or do you feel like you’re struggling to put on a brave face because you’re supposed to be happy.

3. Do you feel empty and hurt more than you feel adored and special.  

4. If nothing changed from right now, is this how you want to feel for the rest of your life. 

5. Is it more important to you to stay married no matter what or to be with someone you trust. 

6. Do you feel like he’s a grown man and partner or more like you have to take care of him and teach him the most basic things (like, yeah, this is not right.) 

Only you know what works for you and what’s a dealbreaker. Don’t get caught up in justifying how you feel. Just work on advocating for yourself. He’s fine- he does what he wants and you’re the one dealing with the fallout. Maybe he’s depressed- but depression doesn’t make someone violate their partner’s trust and at any rate, he is responsible for his own mental health. It’s not your job to accept whatever he does.

Marriage/who you live with is basically the biggest part of your life other than work. You deserve to feel loved and valued. 

ETA: wrote this and had to go reply to a work thing- came back and saw your update re tracking him in his phone. Oh, bee. Please don’t do this to yourself. He’s a grown up. 

Post # 33
17 posts
  • Wedding: October 2018

bangell08 :  

anxiety and depression can correlate to low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness. 

The activities to which your husband has confessed might enable him to be in control, and be the authority figure. Perhaps that is a feeling that he doesn’t have but wants in other facets of life (work etc)  

Whether you leave him or not is a wholly personal decision. 

But either way, as I read your post, it may be unlikely that the counterparty is providing these services for free, so please ensure that your finances are not suffering as well as your emotions. 

Post # 34
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

That is disgusting. He needs ta go. 

Post # 35
481 posts
Helper bee

bangell08 :  I don’t want to speculate too much, but if he is willingly volunteering information like “I’ve had plenty of opportunities to physically cheat and turned them down…” I’m willing to bet he has actually cheated. His first admission about webcam cheating seems to me like he was testing the waters to see how you’d react. For me, I could not get past the trust issues and what-ifs. I am hoping the best for you and I hope you find a solution that gives you peace.

Post # 36
1749 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

bangell08 :  He had virtual sex with another woman. That’s cheating in my book. And a instant dealbreaker. Sorry bee.

Post # 37
637 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

He went to a strip club and got a lap dance before you guys were married. Now that he’s married, he participated in cyber sex several times. It may not be physical, but it is still sex (to me). I feel like he still has curious urges and wants to experiment with more people sexually since he has only been with you, and he hasn’t settled down with the idea of sexually commiting himself to just one person (you, the only person he’s had sex with supposedly). He may make all the promises now, but what if one day that curiosity came back again?

This is so hard, I’m so sorry bee. Take care.

Post # 38
150 posts
Blushing bee

bangell08 : 

controls/restrictions on his phone?

On one hand, it would put my mind at ease and maybe it will help him stop with the porn and everything, learn to resist the temptation. But at the same time, I don’t want to do anything that could be further damaging or unhealthy to our relationship.

He has offered to give me all his passwords if I ever want to check up on him.

 It seems time consuming and below dignity. I think I’d lose my respect for him if he can’t control himself and has to be watched like that.

Post # 39
306 posts
Helper bee

My ex-husband dealt with anxiety, depression and significant self-esteem issues. I discovered after 3 years of marriage that he was frequenting strip clubs on a regular basis (against my express wishes) when he was out of town on business trips. I was shocked by the betrayal, dug a bit deeper and subsequently found out that he was attempting to connect emotionally with multiple women throughout the entirety of our relationship. We went to counseling to save the marriage; his therapist said he “seeks validation” from women to boost his low self-esteem. He begged me to stay so he could work on himself. He gave me all of his passwords, etc. I say all this because I stayed way too long. The trust was *gone* and his issues had nothing to do with me. After I discovered his betrayal, I was always looking over my shoulder. That’s no way to live. I don’t want to be with someone whose phone I have to monitor. You shouldn’t have to live like that either. It will suck the life out of you. 

Don’t be the victim of an escalating porn addiction or whatever this may be. I should have left after the strip club discovery because there was a lot more going on than just that. I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. He betrayed you, in my opinion. You only owe kindness to yourself. Protect your heart; he certainly isn’t. 

Post # 40
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I wouldn’t trust him at all. I’m concerned that he has a sex addiction. 

Post # 41
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2018


I wouldn’t be able to trust him again. Porn isn’t cheating but being on a webcam & all that jazz … nope nope nope!

Post # 42
2416 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I believe porn is cheating. So this definitely would be a dealbreaker for me. Sexual fidelity in marriage is super important to me (otherwise I just would have remained “friends” with my husband & dated whomever.) Honestly, sexual exclusivity is the single factor to me that makes marriage, marriage. I wouldn’t be married to someone who did not sign on for that. 

Post # 43
2550 posts
Sugar bee

Unfortunately, I have no advice on how you might get past this. It’s a definite deal breaker for me, and I would be calling a lawyer. 

Sorry Bee.

Post # 44
518 posts
Busy bee

You don’t want to be policing him or having to be a detective to uncover what he’s doing behind your back, you would be on edge all the time. If you are not wanting to break up I would definitely have time apart and insist he gets therapy to find out why he is doing this and how to overcome it. For it to be a healthy happy relationship you need to be able to trust him and have peace of mind that he wouldn’t do anything inappropriate whether you are checking or not.  

Post # 45
2416 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

bangell08 :  being his “mom” isn’t the answer. He’ll either find work arounds in the computer  (and who doesn’t have a smart phone?) Or blatantly continue and it’ll somehow be “ok” because you know about it.

Bee. I think your only way is OUT. 

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