Did he cheat & what do I do? (LONG)

posted 2 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 106
Member
1197 posts
Bumble bee

id you ever ask what app he used? Was it a Cam Girl App or just a webcam app? Sorry, but I find it hard to believe that he said he didn’t pay for it. To have a special web cam session where both interact, that is usually not free at all. If he was just on a webcam app where they keep surfing for individuals to participate with, that’s not a quick thing either. That takes time to find someone that would participate with him. If it’s free, there must be tons of other men and the likely chance of finding a women for those sessions are low. He either did pay (either an app fee or whatever) or he spent a ridiculous long time looking for a female to perform with him.

I can’t even imagine how it’s going for you. I wish you the best of luck. Once your lose the trust, the foundation of the relationship pretty much starts to crumble. It would take a lot of time and energy to build it back. And sometimes, that can’t be built back up and you end up losing yourself instead.

Post # 108
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

bangell08 :  I am sorry you are going through this. My past experience with a similiar is it isn’t going to get better if he is developing a porn addiction. At the very least he doesn’t respect you and your relationship. Take care of you!  

Post # 109
Member
493 posts
Helper bee

bangell08 :  Bee, I personally have gone through this type of situation (not webcam, but internet cheating ie. messaging other girls through online portals etc).  did the counselling route, and ended up getting a divorce at 28 (now expecting my first child with my new man at 30.  

The best thing i did was move into my sisters house, the mental clarity and the support from family was the best thing I could have done – not saying that the end game is divorce for you…but having some form of support system is so important.  

At the time I remember thinking that I was getting old and I would never meet someone…wow was I wrong – best. fcking. decision. I have ever made.  

we went the counselling route, all i can say is, if this is the turmoil of a relationship this young, imagine what it will be like in 20 years.  You are 24.  now Imagine after 20 years of marriage, 2 children, if he is cheating now…I can’t imagine how things will get better in 20 years.  

Post # 110
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I am typically a “everyone is good until proven otherwise” type of person. And I love giving second chances and trying to work through things and becoming stronger because of them.

But this? 

This would end my marriage. 100%. If another girl is seeing his…stuff….and getting off with him, it’s cheating. No amount of crying and redemption changes that, not for me. 

I’m so sorry bee 🙁 Whether you can work through this or not, it’s a devastating story.

Post # 111
Member
1127 posts
Bumble bee

I understand people can be addicted and make the same mistake over and over again. But his addiction to web cam stuff continually meant more to him than your marriage. He prioritized that crap over you. He doesn’t deserve anything from you — like forgiveness or what not. 

Please take care of yourself! You have my support. 

Post # 113
Member
893 posts
Busy bee

itsachickenwingthing :  I agree. I’m not sure why modern women are just supposed to accept their men watching porn. I’m my opinion it’s harmful to the bond between wife and husband when husband is seeking out sexual titilation and gratification from someone other than his wife. To me, it’s gross. And then what this guy did is just a whole new level. Yuck. I think OP need to dump him.

Post # 114
Member
745 posts
Busy bee

I like to think I have a very open minded attitude, but if he’s been doing the web cam  interaction thing without your blessing, I dont’ think this is ok.

Can  you go to counseling? maybe that’s the best place to start.

Post # 115
Member
745 posts
Busy bee

caligirlinmichigan :  I am acutally not against the idea of men getting gratification from someone other than their wives, (occassionally)and I don’t approve of sneaking around doing the interactive web cam thing either!  Really not ok when she doesn’t even know! For me just watching is one thing, but this doesn’t sound like just watching.

Everyone has a line that is not ok to cross and this would be crossing mine big time.

 

Post # 116
Member
14 posts
Newbee

My two cents on the subject.. 

I agree with counseling, this can always be a healthy outlet for you to vent everything you are feeling and to sort through your emotions in a positive way. Marriage counseling for the both of you could be a very positive way for you to get to the root of the issue here. 

Sometimes people do hurtful things to one another for various reasons.. he could feel something is missing in your relationship and be sourcing it elsewhere. He could be a dishonest person and lack some morals.. not saying this is what is happening, just some possibilities. However, dishonesty may be a deal breaker moving forward.. while resolving intimacy issues may be something that allows your marriage to move forward. Worth discovering what the reason for his betrayal is. 

As far as whether or not you consider this cheating.. everyone from your counselor to your family to your friends sisters dog can give their input and tell you it is or isn’t but that is for you to decide. Relationships of all kinds exist where people are open to exploration or where even speaking to the opposite sex is crossing a line.. you have to set the boundaries for yourself and decide what you want in your relationship and what you are comfortable with. And then make that line very very clear with your husband. Discuss what does and doesn’t make you comfortable and what would be a deal breaker for your marriage. 

I agree that he knew he was being inappropriate by hiding it from you. If he thought it was okay, he would have talked to you about it. 

Maybe you agree with me or maybe you don’t, either way I hope that your final decision is based on what you truly want and believe is right for you. I’ll send positive vibes your way! 

Post # 117
Member
893 posts
Busy bee

keepingitreal8675309 :  yeah I know a lot of women are cool with porn but personally it just creeps me out. And yes the interactive webcam business is just beyond creepy!!  Very much crossing the line!

Post # 118
Member
745 posts
Busy bee

bangell08 :  I just read that his exploration has been including men, and he never gave you a clue he had interest in men.

Sounds like more and more you are finding out that your husband has been very dishonest with you about who he is. I’m sorry this is happening to you. Sounds like this is less of a case of what I would call ‘usual male exploring’ but a situation of deceipt. There’s a lot of things I am personally ok with, but dishonesty isn’t something I can handle, and not to this extent.

I do hope it works out, but to be honest I doubt it would for me if I was in this situation.

 

Post # 119
Member
775 posts
Busy bee

 

There’s a reason the porn industry does such BIG business. And it’s not just single men keeping them in business obviously.

I am frankly not sure why he shared this with you if he had a general idea that it would irritate you. Doesn’t make sense to me.

Everyone looks at porn and so it is obviously not the issue here.

I would feel more embarassed than jealous as I would feel like I am not able to satisfy even just ONE man that he feels the need to PAY for VIRTUAL sex! (Like wtf?) So if you are feeling that way more so than being ‘cheated on’, then you need to address that aspect. 

Instead of giving him a hard time about this issue, try to be objective and ask him what you guys can do with each other that he feels he is not currently getting out of you guys’ sex life. You can’t just let him continue this way because he might have some unmet needs. And so you might also. Porn can come an expensive habit quickly and it’s taking money out of your household budget.

 

 

Post # 120
Member
1197 posts
Bumble bee

There’s porn then there is INTERACTING WITH ANOTHER PERSON LIVE in person. Just becaus there is a screen in front of you doesn’t make it any difference. What if he was in the same room with said person, no touching, but they’re both getting off together? That’s how I see it. With porn, there is a disconnection. You’re visual watching a video made to stimulate and you take care of it yourself. I’m not totally happy jumping for joy with my Fiance watching porn, but I get it.

I think cyber sex is a totally different story. And then add on the fact that he is bi-curious/bi-sexual and has never told you and he was also cyber sexing with men, nope. Sorry. All deal breakers for me. 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors