Post # 1
I’ve been really good at holding my tounge around my SO lately but that hasn’t always been the case. A couple months back after a rough week at work and a few too many cocktails I blurted out “I want to get married so I can quit and have your health insurance” which is NOT AT ALL why I want to marry my SO. Not even close! And although I would love to quit my job so I could full time search for another one that isn’t an appropriate thing to say EVER. He hadn’t mentioned anything about it until a few weeks ago when he said, “EagerBeaver wants to get married so she can have my health insurance” while we were talking to another couple about why people get married. Of course I quickly said that wasn’t even close to being the only reason I wanted to marry him but it was still a hard thing to hear come out of his lips.
He knows I adore him and I try to show him everyday but I can’t help the feeling that he thinks the only reason I want to get married is for the benifits. I’m usually not the one that brings up the M word, usually it is him that will say, “I was thinking about who would be my groomsmen” or at our favorite restaurant, “should we get married here?”. I think we are headed in that direction but after 3 years I’m feeling a little antsy.
I need some Bee advice, should I try to have a conversation with him about it? where would I even start?
Post # 3
Have you ever had a serious sit down conversation about getting married? If not, I think it’s time you do. He’s never going to know how you feel about it unless you actually talk to him about it in a calm manner. And the fact that you did blurt that out while you were drunk clearly hurt his feelings.
Bring it up when you’re both calm and don’t be defensive about it. Let him know that’s not what you meant and that it just came out the wrong way. Then let him know the reasons you DO want to be married to him. I think he’ll feel better about what you said earlier.
Post # 4
Well, I think you should apologize for saying that. You were drunk, but words sting and I think that comment warrants an apology. After you apologize, you could reiterate to him all the real reasons you want to marry him. 🙂
I definitely don’t think you blew anything though! It sounds like he still loves you and wants to marry you.
Post # 5
I agree- I don’t think you blew it permanently but the fact that he brought it up recently gives you a great opening to have this discussion.
Relax, this will probably turn out to be a great inside joke between the two fo you in the future.
Post # 6
If the two of you openly communicated in depth about why each of you wanted to get married, this wouldn’t even be an issue. I hope that it was him joking, and knowing the reasoning behind your unhappiness with your job, etc. If I blurted something like that out to my husband, he would know the backstory and be able to interpret it, because we are constantly filling each other in on our thoughts, goals, dreams, wishes.
Likewise, you and your BF/FI should have discussed what was said, especially since it is weighing on you, to see if there were misunderstandings.
Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.
Post # 7
If you have been together for three years just open up about it and talk to him. Let him know how you feel but don’t get pushy or emotional because that will just turn him off.
You don’t need a segway into that conversation but if I had to use one I would say “You know I am completely in love with you and you are the man for me, right…”
Post # 8
I don’t you have blown it. If you have, then this guy is overreacting. But I wouldn’t worry. He might have repeated your comment to the other couple as a type of joke. I don’t know if I’d still be with my guy if I actually believed he wanted me only for my health insurance or something like that.
But I do think a serious conversation about what you want, and what he wants is a good idea. That way he can know why you really want to get married.
Post # 9
Thanks everyone! I was nervous to post my feelings about that night, it’s so far from how I actually feel about him and marriage that it’s embarrassing for me.
He is fully aware of my situation at work, it’s been affecting me for over a year now. He knows that it is an emotional topic for me so he has been amazing helping me get through it. One of the major reasons I love him so much is because of that. When he made the comment he was joking, but the fact that he even remembered it makes me think I need to talk to him about it.
We have had some chats about it but never a serious conversation. What I want to tell him is that I love him so much that marriage would be icing on the cake. And that I truly feel so happy everyday that I’m not all that concerned when “it” will happen. I think you are all right, we are committed to each other so a conversation is appropriate and it would give me the chance to apologize.
I just hope I can keep it together and not turn into a blubbering fool 🙂
Post # 10
I wouldn’t have taken you seriously when you said that… it seemed sarcastic, even in just reading it here. Especially after being together 3 years…. surely he should know that’s not the only reason you want to marry him. LoL… three years is a long time to wait just to get some health insurance! Don’t feel bad… I’m sure he’s well aware that you weren’t being serious.
Post # 11
I wouldn’t have taken you seriously either. If you think he really believed you then I would say something further, otherwise I wouldn’t worry too much. We always say how lucky my bf will be when we’re married and he gets my benefits – I would never actually think that’s why he wants to marry me. You don’t stay with someone for 3 years just for benefits that you might get in the future!
Post # 12
I would talk to him and clear the air- regardless of if he thinks you didn’t mean it or not, it would be nice just to have a sit down talk about it, get on the same page and hopefully have a time line for you since you are saying you are getting antsy. Pick a day where things are going well and just bring it up how ever naturally it feels.