- 4 years ago
I am reaching out to the community here because I’m conflicted. My fiance recently proposed last week, and while I’m ecstatic, we’re also fiercely private. I’ve been struggling with the issue of how and when to tell people. The main issue is that my family generally doesn’t approve. My mother was the first person I told, and she was upset – which, in turn, was devastating for me. While she’s allowed to have her concerns, I find them to be unfounded. I come from a wealthy Southern family, and my mom is concerned that my fiance doesn’t make enough money and that he is Jewish.
Anyways, it took me a few days to get over my hurt, but in the meantime I hadn’t told any of my close friends here in Colorado (my family lives in Texas) because I haven’t told the rest of my family yet. I’m scared to tell my father because I don’t want to have the same experience. And I feel like I can’t tell my sisters until I tell my dad (we’re not very close). I decided to pause and wait to tell my dad next week after Father’s Day so that I could quietly enjoy the engagement before someone else “rains on my parade” so to speak. Just to be clear: there is no way my family would hear about my engagement from anyone else. My life here in Colorado is very, very separate from my family. Still, I’ve had this notion that telling my family before I tell my friends is the “proper” thing to do.
I quickly saw the negative aspects of this approach last night. I was with some friends and a girl who I don’t particularly like (she has been rude to me on numberous occasions, so I don’t consider her a friend either) came up to me announcing her congratulations. Apparently, she was at a dinner a few nights ago where my fiance told his friends about our engagement. I was embarassed because a) we are not friends and b) I had friends there who I wanted to tell myself, after I’d told my family of course. I wasn’t very kind to her and told her I wasn’t realy telling people yet. Her response: “Why?” Well, because I haven’t told my family yet. Again: “Why?” Because they don’t approve. She was embarassed and started apologizing profusely, but I am still upset because I wanted to tell my friends on my own and have a little more control over the announcement. I guess I should have understood that this stuff travels by word of mouth.
Generally, I’m a bit embarassed that I haven’t told the rest of my family yet and I’m embarassed that I kind of botched announcing my engagement to my friends. I was hoping to tell them next week at a dinner get-together after I’d told my dad and my sisters. Did I mess it up? I guess I should have coordinated better with my fiance, I just didn’t expect a run-in since our friends are in different circles. Oy.
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