Post # 1
I got engaged LAST December (Dec. 21, 2008) and I choose my Maid/Matron of Honor in February/March. I have 3 younger sisters, but I choose a friend of mine (we’ve been friends since high school) because she was single, excited about helping me plan my wedding, and more financially stable. It was between her and my older (younger) sister. My sister though had a 6-mo old baby, less time, and less disposable income.
Since then, my Maid/Matron of Honor and I have become very distant. She got involved with someone from our hometown who already has 2 older children (8 and 11). She moved in with him back in our hometown (about 45 min south of Kansas City where I live). I can’t get her to reply to an email or go to dinner with me, let alone seem excited about my wedding. In the meantime, I’ve gotten to spend a lot more time with my 3 sisters (I just moved back to Kansas City where my family lives from Chicago a year and a half ago) and they’ve become VERY important to me.
So, I got an email from my Maid/Matron of Honor today that said this (she has been asking about the bachelorette party lately because she is a photographer on the side and needs to know what weekends she can book weddings…) at the end…
“Also, did you decide if you want your sister to be the Maid of Honor? I totally understand if you do and I would be glad to help her with the planning. I just don’t want to step on her toes if she wants to play your party, shower, etc. “
I called my older (younger) sister b/c I had told her how I was feeling that I had made the wrong decision and I ended up replying with this:
“I’ve been thinking a lot about the wedding, etc. lately (obviously!!) and how we have seemed to be engaged for forever! In terms of the bridal party, I have come to the conclusion that I am not big on titles, and I don’t think I can pick someone to be my Maid of Honor because everyone I’ve asked to stand up with me on one of the most special days of my life is special to me in a different way. Something I have realilzed, as I’ve moved back to Kansas City is how important my family has is to me. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to foster and cultivate the bonds and relationships between my and my sisters (and my cutey patootey nephew Ethan!). Because of this, I really feel that I would like to have them my sisters stand closest to me in the wedding.
So, did I do the right thing???
Post # 3
I think you handled it perfectly. Sounds like, from your original MOH’s email, she was kind of looking for an out anyway. I think you’re totally fine.
Post # 4
I think that was a great response. Her email seemed to indicate that a) she didn’t remember being asked or b) was hoping that by giving you the opening, she could get out of being Maid/Matron of Honor. And this way, you know that you’ll have people who are excited about your day planning the events leading up to it.
And I’m not having a Maid/Matron of Honor either – I’m pairing up my girls with the dudes by height. I didn’t want to pick and it seemed like an easy solution.
Post # 5
Great response! I am glad that it seemed to work out on both sides 🙂
Post # 6
You handled it beautifully. That e-mail is very well worded.
Post # 7
- Wedding: September 2010 - Heron Hill Winery
I think it was worded well and that you were tasteful in your decision..It almost sounds like your friend no longer wanted the role!
Post # 8
I know she “remembered” she was my Maid/Matron of Honor, but she had made a comment earlier this fall about another one of my bms (who is very crafty and is helping me with some DIY stuff) being my Maid/Matron of Honor, and I replied that if I would have another other bm be my Maid/Matron of Honor it would be my sister, not other bm.
@zippey–I went back and reread it and there are many typos!! But, thanks 🙂
Post # 9
I’m gonna take the opposite side and say that you should have NOT handled this through email. I know communication with her might be difficult, but there are SO MANY opportunities to mis-read emails. I had a difficult issue come up with a Bridesmaid or Best Man and thought about contacting her via email, but I owed it to myself, and to her, to talk face-to-face. It made the world of difference!! I know face-to-face is uncomfortable and confrontational, but you owe it to your friendship to not disguise true feelings or leave underlying meanings in an email messages. Just my opinion.
Post # 10
I think it worked out well. The only thing I would add is call around and find out who is excited about doing what in the planning process. By actually not going with titles, maybe your sister with the baby would be interested in a shower, while your unmarried friends/sisters would like to plan the bachelorette.
Post # 11
You definitely did the right thing. Honestly, it sounds like the friend was looking for an “out” of the title, and she probably just realized you guys were kind of growing apart.
That was a great response back to her. Kudos!
Post # 12
I kinda had to deal with this situation.
I have two sisters and I couldn’t choose between the 2 of them on who would be the Maid/Matron of Honor.
I chose a good friend.
Well, a few months after I chose my friend, I noticed we were drifting apart. I start to regret my decision to choose my friend. Plus, around the same time, my younger sister started pissing me off. So I was really doubting my decision not to make my older sister the Maid/Matron of Honor.
Also, my friend who was my Maid/Matron of Honor, did send me a message about if I wanted to make one of my sisters a Maid/Matron of Honor. I sent her back a message the reasons why I wanted her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor.
All and all, it turned out ok.
I did talk to my older sister about how I was regretting making my friend a Maid/Matron of Honor instead of her and her words of advice were that– look at who she chose for her Maid/Matron of Honor at her wedding, she hardly talks to that person anymore. She told me not to worry about regretting who I chose. Friendships change all the time… but just remember why you chose her in the first place.
That’s what I did… instead of causing drama to change my Maid/Matron of Honor. plus possibly hurting MOH’s feelings.
Post # 13
@ alundberg — I thought about that…and have actually tried to reach out to her multiple times to get together to have dinner/drinks/lunch and it never happens…So, I thought since she had asked via email and I can’t seem to get her face-to-face, I would respond this way. I actually asked her last week (she had all week off from work) if we could get together to talk about the wedding and her response was she didn’t want to come in to the “city” all week (she lives 30-45 minutes from the “city”, where she works, by the way).
I would never have responded via email if it was easy to see her or if she hadn’t posed the question this way initially. But, i definitely know what you mean about the tone of emails!