Post # 1
My 22 year old cousin was thought when he was younger to have autism, but his behavior over the past few years leads me to believe autism is not it (that or he has more than just autism), for example, he has stomped someones pet (not livestock) chicken to death, chased people with bats and knives, has threatened to kill my aunt and uncle, and what I’m most concerned about is that he has touched young girls inappropriately while working as a mascot at a fast food chain. my DF’s 7 year old niece will be at the wedding. She is the only child there as no other family or friends have kids yet (Unless my 18 year old sister counts), since she will be the only one there I’m worried she’ll stick out like a sore thumb to him, plus she is a very pretty child so that has us even more concerned. My aunt (his mother) is in major denial of his problems and throws a fit at anyone who dares to protect themselves against her precious son, and ofcourse she threw a big fat fit when she found out we’re not inviting him. My parents disagree with our decision because they feel the need to include people with “special needs” (imo special needs is someone with down syndrome, someone who is in a wheel chair etc a violent pedophile is not “special needs”), though personally I think their somewhat afraid of my aunt lol (though they will never in a million years admit it). Plusshe has no personal boundaries (for example at family gatherings when you ask her to stop taking pictures she’ll keep on doing so), and she is really harassing my mother via email by this so my mom is getting much of the grief, and my mother doesn’t have a backbone to tell her to stop. Should I step in perhaps?
When we were still in the deciding phase my fiance said its up to me but warned me that if he laid one finger on his niece (whom we both adore) he and his brothers will kill him and he doesn’t care if he spends the rest of his life in jail, now my fiance is the most gentle man alive has never laid a hand on anyone, he won’t even kill a bug, but I could tell by his voice and the look on his face that he was stone cold serious!
We used the broken record approach, kept saying “no” over and over again and my parents sat down with my fiance and I my mother even had tears in her eyes because my aunt is really raising hell, my aunt is harassing my mother over this, my mother says he has never acted this way at a family gathering therefore he’ll be safe at the wedding and we should invite him. However we have not seen him in about 5 years and his behavior has gotten worse over the years, so I think he is very capable of acting out.
Is the fact that he has never got violent at family gatherings reason enough to believe that he would be safe at the wedding? My family thinks yes, my fiance and I think that just because he hasn’t done this stuff at a family gathering before it doesn’t mean he won’t, plus I have not seen him in 5 years.
What do you all think? Are we doing the right thing? I’m starting to think “f*ck it lets just elope”
Post # 3
Special needs or not it sounds as if your cousin in dangerous to both adult and child alike. That is another issues entirely and I would probably have done the same in your situation.
As the host you are responsible for people’s comfort and safety. Inviting a known violent person is not a great idea.
Post # 4
Based on what you’ve said here, I think you did the right thing. I normally side with including as much family as possible, for better or for worse, but it sounds like your cousin has a history of unpredictable, unchecked behavior that can be harmful.
This post just makes me sad for your cousin. It sounds like maybe he’s not getting the care / treatment that he deserves in order to help him successfully integrate with society.
Post # 5
On the one hand, you know everyone will be watching him like a hawk here, where they are prewarned about his behavior so I strongly doubt he’d have the chance to act inappropriately towards your niece. (It helps the niece is old enough you can actually tell her not to go off alone with him.) On the other hand, why invite someone you don’t want at the wedding? Either answer I think is appropriate, so stick to your guns. It sounds like you may have to uninvite the aunt as well, if she can’t pull it together! Do have some compassion for her, I’m sure it hurts her to know that he acts this way and thus, she deals with it by denying it happens. I do think you need to talk to the aunt yourself, however, rather than letting her continue to harass your mom.
Post # 6
It does sound like your cousin has some issued that he needs to be treated for in a real serious way. I think you and your Fiance are making the right decision in not including him. I think you need to directly talk to your aunt and tell her in no uncertain terms that your cousin is not allowed at your wedding, and that she needs to stop harrassing your parents over this because this is your wedding and not theirs. I think that the safety of your future neice and the safety of all your guests would be at risk by inviting your cousin.
Post # 7
@mshirley2203: I am usually all about family but your cousin sounds like he might not do well at your event. Sorry.
Post # 8
Um, yes, you’re doing the right thing.
Did anyone report your cousin to the authorities when he molested the two girls?
Post # 9
Yes, you’re doing the right thing, and I would consider stepping in and telling your Aunt to back off, that it isn’t your mother’s decision it’s yours, and to stop harrassing her.
Post # 10
I am in a similar situation but not nearly to that extreme. Other family and friends won’t be able to have fun if they have to stay sober and be “on guard” all night.
I would definitely NOT include him. Just because he is family does not make it ok for you to put you, your family and friends at risk.
ETA: I do have to add…how would you feel if something did happen with him? I feel like it would ruin your entire wedding experience for you plus the guilt for inviting him knowing he has these tendancies would just be too much.
Post # 11
Hell yes you did the right thing. Sadly, his behavior is being excused by his overproactive and in denail mother. And he inapporiately touched someone, please, no question here. Your family maybe in denail but you clearly aren’t.
Post # 12
HELL yes you did the right thing. You want everyone to have fun and not worry about babysitting someone who wont be watched by the parents. I have a special uncle who I may or may not invite, and he is usually good but sometimes not so much. So I get where you are comming from.
Post # 13
You absolutely did the right thing by refusing to invite him, but something needs to be done about your mother getting all this grief from your aunt. It’s not your mother’s decision, it’s yours, and you need to step in there and put a stop to it.
Post # 14
Sounds like your mom is getting a lot of pressure from your aunt – I think you need to step in. Call the aunt yourself, and be very firm with her in the fact that he is NOT invited, and that this is your decision for the safety of your fiance’s niece – you’re not taking any chances, and your mother has nothing to do with it so to leave her alone. When your aunt threatens to not attend the wedding, just say, “We’re sorry, you’ll be missed.” Even though that’s probably not true.