Post # 1
Before I sent out invites, I gave my mother a stack of invites (all ready to go except needing addressed). I gave her the list of people for her and my father. I gave them 20 invites plus my large immediate family out of a total of 100 guests. She addressed them and sent them out. Now my parents are complaining that there were other people she wanted instead of those. She complains I invited my brother-in-laws parents (who she likes) and says that could have been two more people for her. (My sister said it would be very nice to invite them and my fiance and I like them). She also requested that she be near all my relatives. I asked her whether she would like to be near the head table or back with the relatives. She was horrified they wouldn’t be near the front. I explained that we were having close people (my family, fiance’s family and close friends) near the head table and said I am not close to my relatives. (This is true- they stress me out and I only invited them to keep the peace- they can sit in the back). My mother finally said in her passive-aggressive way to just do what I wanted.
My father keeps talking about getting measured for a tux. I have told him repeatedly that I am fine with him wearing a suit and that is what fiance’s father is wearing. I talked to Fiance who says no one needs to wear a tux besides him and groomsmen and he doesn’t want my dad wearing a tux. So I told my father we want tuxes only on the bridal party. He got upset. Then he complained that everyone would think badly of him wearing a suit. Then he complained that I wasn’t having flowers for mom, grandparents, aunts, etc. (My parents and I have had this conversation repeatedly- I didn’t want flowers at all, I compromised with my fiance and we are having bouquets for me and the bridesmaids, that’s it). I told him I was too busy (wedding is in 3 weeks) and that if he wanted to take care of it (order flowers, pay for them, and hand them out), that was fine.
Post # 3
Just my honest first thoughts:
First of all, you should let your father wear a tux, if thats what he wants. Let him wear whatever he wants…
Second of all, I commend you on keeping peace by inviting family you aren’t close with, this is something I also was forced to do … and yes they’re coming, and no I haven’t gotten to your point in the planning process yet! Hello … drama. I would do the same thing.
They are lucky they’re even coming =)
Post # 4
oh geez, that sounds like alot of 3 weeks before the wedding stress
if the tux is so important to your dad i would have let him have that one but ultimately its up to you but its obviously important to him to keep harping on it, dont forget hes have visions of your wedding day since you were born and this might be one of them. keep your eye on the prize and try to let everyones comments slide off… sending hugs
Post # 5
Wow, that seems like a LOT of stress and drama!! Yeah, I think being honest with your family is important, but I agree with MsHymanRoth and eloping that making those compormises sometimes is much easier than letting the fight continue, if it’s not something big that you care about. Best of luck, hopefully the next 3 weeks get easier!!
Post # 6
I think you are doin ok. Just breath. If you let you parents do the addressing then they should have addressed them to who she wanted then if there were any changes on her list. I mean if you only gave her 20 invites for ‘her people’ then she had some flexibility… She will be so happy and caught up in the day I don’t think it will matter that billy bob was there instead of betty sue.
For the seating issue. She should be up close with the rest of the colse family. I understand about you not wanting to be near your other fam and only inviting them because of not wanting to hear about it later.. I am in the same boat. She can go talk to them when she wants, its not like there will be a wall between them. You can also take care of this by simply not having a seating arrangement. That is how I solved it. If I dont tell someone where to sit then they cant be mad at me. Even though I really want to put the familys that I know hate each other at the same table… great entertainment.
Now, onto dad. If he is really that into wearing a tux and not a suit, let him. Dont stress about it, it really isnt worth it in the end.
Flowers…yeah… I don’t want to get all the little family flowers and such either. THEY DIE, so what is the big deal… Most people at the wedding will know who the parents are and who the grandparents are.. And if they dont, oh well.. do they really need a flower that will get smashed, brown and yucky… if so they can buy it like you said… just make sure that if they are you tell them what color to get…
Post # 7
I think you handled yourself pretty well! I do think your dad should be allowed to wear a tux if he wants. No harm, no foul.
In regards to where your extended family is sitting– I 100% agree with you! You probably see these people a few times a year (or less), but you see close friends and your immediate family a lot more! I definitely don’t think that blood means you get the best seat in the house… Mom will have to deal.
As for the flowers, I decided that we would only do corsages for the moms, bouts for the dads & no other family member would get flowers. We’re having a small reception & if it were up to my aunts half the guests would be wearing flowers. I’m glad you didn’t budge on that issue & I think your solution to please your parents was a good one. “You want it, you pay for it” lol 🙂
Post # 8
First of all, I just wanted to let you know you’re handling all this very well! Totally agree with your point of view on most of the issues but yeah, I’d probably compromise with the dad and tuxedo thing. Will he be giving you away? As eloping had said, he probably has thought of this very situation before and has probably imagined himself wearing a tuxedo. Hopefully him wearing a tuxedo will not upset the balance with your Future Father-In-Law who plans on wearing a suit.
Post # 9
I’m also thinking let your dad get the tux if he wants. I’m sure he loves you and just wants to look nice for you on your wedding day.
Keep in mind that weddings are emotional for families. Sometimes stubbornness about something that seems trivial really reflects the mixed emotions they’re feeling (you can imagine the gamut – happiness for you, sadness that you’re growing up, some feelings of loss, etc).
Post # 10
Sorry to hear about all of the stress you are dealing with! I hope that things calm down a bit. It sounds like you are handling things well… I think that if you gave your parents the opportunity to invite people, and now they have others that would like to invite instead, that isn’t your problem. I am sure they understand how invitations work. If they continue to make comments about who you invite (like your BIL’s parents), mention to them that there are people that you want to invite and need to invite, and they already had their chance to discuss prior to sending out invites, and now the subject is closed.
As for the tux– maybe just let your dad wear one. I know my dad, and Father-In-Law, wore them, and they felt really special! The father of the bride is pretty important, possibly a little more than the Father of the groom, since your dad might be walking you down the aisle. He might be really happy if you give in– if you think this really means a lot to him.
Post # 11
Okay, if a tux and flowers will make him happy, let him have it. Ultimately, those are two really small things that won’t affect your day in any meaningful way. Of course you already know that since you didn’t want flowers in the first place.
Post # 12
- Wedding: June 2010 - Ceremony - First United Methodist Church; Reception - My parents' house!
I really think your father should be allowed to wear a tux, especially since it seems like he really wants to. Also, I’d give into his flower request.
Post # 13
I agree with the other bees that the tux and flowers are easy things to compromise on that will get your parents off your back, and won’t affect your wedding day at all.
My dad decided for some reason that he was wearing a tux, even though literally no one else at the wedding was wearing one (groom/wedding party went with navy suits). It still looks absolutely fine in the pictures (he didn’t wear an elaborate vest or cummerbund or anything) — just think of it as the difference between him choosing a regular tie and a bow tie. Unless he wants to go with something totally flashy like a white dinner jacket or a zoot suit or something, I’d just let it go.