(Closed) did I handle this right?

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 3
2365 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Just my honest first thoughts:

First of all, you should let your father wear a tux, if thats what he wants. Let him wear whatever he wants…

Second of all, I commend you on keeping peace by inviting family you aren’t close with, this is something I also was forced to do … and yes they’re coming, and no I haven’t gotten to your point in the planning process yet! Hello … drama. I would do the same thing.

They are lucky they’re even coming =)


Post # 4
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

oh geez, that sounds like alot of 3 weeks before the wedding stress

if the tux is so important to your dad i would have let him have that one but ultimately its up to you but its obviously important to him to keep harping on it, dont forget hes have visions of your wedding day since you were born and this might be one of them.  keep your eye on the prize and try to let everyones comments slide off… sending hugs

Post # 5
368 posts
Helper bee

Wow, that seems like a LOT of stress and drama!! Yeah, I think being honest with your family is important, but I agree with MsHymanRoth and eloping that making those compormises sometimes is much easier than letting the fight continue, if it’s not something big that you care about. Best of luck, hopefully the next 3 weeks get easier!!

Post # 6
410 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think you are doin ok.  Just breath.  If you let you parents do the addressing then they should have addressed them to who she wanted then if there were any changes on her list.  I mean if you only gave her 20 invites for ‘her people’ then she had some flexibility…  She will be so happy and caught up in the day I don’t think it will matter that billy bob was there instead of betty sue.

For the seating issue.  She should be up close with the rest of the colse family.  I understand about you not wanting to be near your other fam and only inviting them because of not wanting to hear about it later.. I am in the same boat. She can go talk to them when she wants, its not like there will be a wall between them.  You can also take care of this by simply not having a seating arrangement.  That is how I solved it.  If I dont tell someone where to sit then they cant be mad at me.  Even though I really want to put the familys that I know hate each other at the same table… great entertainment.

Now, onto dad. If he is really that into wearing a tux and not a suit, let him.  Dont stress about it, it really isnt worth it in the end. 

Flowers…yeah… I don’t want to get all the little family flowers and such either.  THEY DIE, so what is the big deal… Most people at the wedding will know who the parents are and who the grandparents are.. And if they dont, oh well.. do they really need a flower that will get smashed, brown and yucky… if so they can buy it like you said… just make sure that if they are you tell them what color to get…

Post # 7
3979 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I think you handled yourself pretty well! I do think your dad should be allowed to wear a tux if he wants. No harm, no foul.

In regards to where your extended family is sitting– I 100% agree with you! You probably see these people a few times a year (or less), but you see close friends and your immediate family a lot more! I definitely don’t think that blood means you get the best seat in the house… Mom will have to deal.

As for the flowers, I decided that we would only do corsages for the moms, bouts for the dads & no other family member would get flowers. We’re having a small reception & if it were up to my aunts half the guests would be wearing flowers. I’m glad you didn’t budge on that issue & I think your solution to please your parents was a good one. “You want it, you pay for it” lol 🙂 

Post # 8
685 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

First of all, I just wanted to let you know you’re handling all this very well!  Totally agree with your point of view on most of the issues but yeah, I’d probably compromise with the dad and tuxedo thing.  Will he be giving you away?  As eloping had said, he probably has thought of this very situation before and has probably imagined himself wearing a tuxedo.  Hopefully him wearing a tuxedo will not upset the balance with your Future Father-In-Law who plans on wearing a suit.

Post # 9
24 posts

I’m also thinking let your dad get the tux if he wants. I’m sure he loves you and just wants to look nice for you on your wedding day.

Keep in mind that weddings are emotional for families. Sometimes stubbornness about something that seems trivial really reflects the mixed emotions they’re feeling (you can imagine the gamut – happiness for you, sadness that you’re growing up, some feelings of loss, etc).

Post # 10
813 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

Sorry to hear about all of the stress you are dealing with! I hope that things calm down a bit. It sounds like you are handling things well… I think that if you gave your parents the opportunity to invite people, and now they have others that would like to invite instead, that isn’t your problem. I am sure they understand how invitations work. If they continue to make comments about who you invite (like your BIL’s parents), mention to them that there are people that you want to invite and need to invite, and they already had their chance to discuss prior to sending out invites, and now the subject is closed.

As for the tux– maybe just let your dad wear one. I know my dad, and Father-In-Law, wore them, and they felt really special! The father of the bride is pretty important, possibly a little more than the Father of the groom, since your dad might be walking you down the aisle. He might be really happy if you give in– if you think this really means a lot to him.

Post # 11
1489 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Okay, if a tux and flowers will make him happy, let him have it. Ultimately, those are two really small things that won’t affect your day in any meaningful way. Of course you already know that since you didn’t want flowers in the first place. 

Post # 12
4381 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Ceremony - First United Methodist Church; Reception - My parents' house!

I really think your father should be allowed to wear a tux, especially since it seems like he really wants to. Also, I’d give into his flower request.

Post # 13
45 posts
  • Wedding: December 1969

I agree with the other bees that the tux and flowers are easy things to compromise on that will get your parents off your back, and won’t affect your wedding day at all.  

My dad decided for some reason that he was wearing a tux, even though literally no one else at the wedding was wearing one (groom/wedding party went with navy suits).  It still looks absolutely fine in the pictures (he didn’t wear an elaborate vest or cummerbund or anything) — just think of it as the difference between him choosing a regular tie and a bow tie.  Unless he wants to go with something totally flashy like a white dinner jacket or a zoot suit or something, I’d just let it go.

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