Did I jump the gun or dodged a bullet?

posted 2 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
1356 posts
Bumble bee

It seems like you haven’t been back together long, he may just need time to settle. Why don’t you guys agree to revisit the conversation in 6 months or so? There are a lot of other things going on in your lives right now. 

 

I’m not surprised he hasn’t messaged you, if he is a good guy he’s likely giving you space as you  broke up with him. He’s just not ready yet.

Post # 3
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

He was ready for you to help him buy the house, but he wasn’t ready to remember when he’d agreed to get engaged–which he put off and put off and put off.

If you had stayed with him, you would have been single in a house you owned in some sort of joint possession–he would have had what he wanted, and you wouldn’t have had what you want.

The whole history makes me want to strangle him–such a nice guy! such a terrible memory!

Post # 4
Member
1219 posts
Bumble bee

cassandra7 :  THIS

Girl, you dodged a bullet! This guy isn’t a good guy- he’s a manipulative tool who told you what you wanted to hear MULTIPLE TIMES to get you to come back and when his bullshitting and picture-painting no longer benefited him and he realized you were not going to back down on setting a firm timeline, he was forced to finally admit he was full of shit.

He was more than happy to use you to help him get a house (wtf is this “be a man” BS excuse btw?!) and tie himself to you financially for 30 years but couldn’t bring himself to even REMEMBER a timeline you had discussed? Nope. He remembers- he just doesn’t want to do it.

Good riddance! You’re doing all the right things. Please take the rose colored glasses off and see him for what he was- a lying manipulative tool.

Post # 5
Member
1219 posts
Bumble bee

And btw- 25 is not too young to expect a commitment- don’t supply him any excuses. He has no excuse 

Post # 6
Member
10859 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

otunjiaj :  

Bee, you guys got together way too young.  I think it would benefit both of you to mature a bit and experience other relationships.

Yes, you dodged a bullet.  You don’t want to marry a man who is half assed about marrying you.  There is a man out there who will be downright giddy over the chance to make you his wife.

The “be a man” thing sounds stupid.  He could have worded that without the chauvinism.  Like, “be a grownup”.

What was the thing he wanted *you* to work on that “drove him away”?  How is it all your fault?

You broke up once before.  Some couples can get past that.  Many never get back on a firm footing.

I don’t doubt that he was really freaked out by the marriage talk at your young ages.  Unfortunately, Bee, many guys picture paint.  They talk about the future, marriage and kids, but they’re just trying it on for size.  They don’t really expect to be held to it later.

Don’t be surprised if he resurfaces, trying to win you back.  It’s easier than facing the big, risky dating world.  And, guys like to *win*.

Again, I think you’re both better off experiencing other relationships.

Post # 7
Member
54 posts
Worker bee

I think some of these replies are a little too harsh. Maybe at the time he really did feel ready but is getting nervous with the timeline becoming more real. I think sometimes it’s hard for any person to really get down to the bottom of how they are feeling. A few years ago, my fiance was very ready for an engagement and I thought I was too. However the closer it got and the more he started talking about it, the more scared I got. We ended up breaking up (for a year) but fast forward a couple of years and we are engaged, ready to plan a wedding. Personally I would say you may have jumped the gun but honestly, only you will know whether you made the right decision for YOU.

Post # 8
Member
394 posts
Helper bee

I don’t necessarily think he’s a horrible person or anything, but he is NOT there yet and he’s not being fair to you in how he communicated that. He was very reckless with your feelings, which is, at best, a sign of immaturity, and at worst a sign of a serious character flaw.

You’re absolutely right that he manipulated you into getting back together. He claimed to be on the same page as you and agreed to your timeline for getting engaged, only to keep pushing it back further and further when it came time to actually make a move. That’s cowardly. It’s his right not to be ready to make that commitment to you, but the way he lured you back into the relationship by claiming to be “all in,” only to say “wait nope not ready yet!” (and then pathetically use his PARENTS as an excuse!) when push came to shove…that isn’t right. If he had any doubts about his future with you, he should have been honest about that when he asked to get back together, so you could make an informed decision and go into this with your eyes wide open. He didn’t give you that opportunity, which was very selfish.

I think you need to continue being no contact with this guy and try to get to a place where you’re ready to date other people. If he comes crawling back, resist the urge to take him back. Burn me once, shame on you; burn me twice…

Post # 9
Member
710 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I would say you dodged a bullet. People in relationships that work and are a good fit don’t breakup. If you are breaking up multiple times and getting back together it isn’t the right fit. I wouldn’t ever get back with a guy after we broke up. I had to learn that lesson the hard way. OP, the right relationship for you will feel so easy and effortless, there won’t be this struggle or angst. 

i held on to the idea of marrying my first love for 15 years. We kept trying to meet up every few years and see if we could connect again and make it work. Never worked. The last time we met up I realized how awful we would be together. There was a reason we couldn’t ever get on the same page and make it work. Because we weren’t right for each other. 

OP you deserve someone who is certain about you, a relationship that is just natural and easy. Let this guy go and move on with your life. Please don’t get sucked into owning a home with a guy who hasn’t proposed first, and don’t ever move in with a man unless you both agree on a firm timeline and agree that moving in together is a step towards engagement. You can learn a valuable lesson from this. Men are happy to play house with a woman and have no intent to marry them. Remember that and protect yourself. Hugs op. 

Post # 10
Member
2800 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

You definitely did the right thing leaving bee. He manipulated you into coming back with false promises and downright lies. And don’t supply him with the excuse of being young, Darling Husband and I got together when we were both 20 as well, he proposed at 23 (while still a student) with absolutely no hesitation, and we got married at 24. 25 is definitely old enough to make a serious committment to someone. The whole “parents thinking less of him if he proposed right after buying a house” excuse is complete bullshit and doesn’t even make sense. You did the right thing. 

Post # 11
Member
1040 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I say u dodged a bullet he can buy a house but not marriage 

 

NOPE NOPE NOPE 

yes your 25 don’t waste your life and best yrs with someone who wants a free ride

Post # 12
Member
2291 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I am really sorry Bee, but putting his explanation through a bullshit translator: “I wasn’t completely fulfilled in our relationship and thought there might be something better (for me) out there, so I broke up with you. Once single, I either didn’t get the action I thought I would get or I got my feelings really hurt and now I’d like to flee back to the safety and comfort of my former long term girlfriend. That said, although my brief sojourn into singlehood didn’t go as I had hoped, I can’t for sure say I never want to try again.” He is selfish and immature and yes you dodged a bullet.

 

otunjiaj :  After complaining about his lack of effort for a few months he eventually broke up with me citing his feelings had changed. He said he loved me but wasnt In love anymore. …

 

Fast forward 2 months later he came back completely remorse, he was very apologetic for how he treated me and told me he wants a future. He said he was in this for the long haul and he wants a family. He told me he needed to see what was out there and we’ve been together for so long so when I started talking about the future it freaked him out.

 

Post # 15
Member
913 posts
Busy bee

I agree with Tatum : …That part really bothered me, too. If this guy is mature enough for marriage, or if he really believed you were “the one”, he wouldn’t have had FOMO. I got married young and never felt like I “needed to see what’s out there” because I had already met the man of my dreams…what more could there be? 

Something doesn’t sit right with this guy, Bee. His constant flip-flopping concerns me about his ability to commit. If he’s daunted by big life changes, or just doesn’t know what he wants yet, that’s fine…but it’s not fair to string you along until he figures himself out, because who knows when that’ll be, or if he’ll even still want marriage in the end. You made the right decision to break up, he needs time to collect his thoughts on what really matters to him. 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors