Did I jump the gun or dodged a bullet?

posted 2 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 16
2056 posts
Buzzing bee

I think you dodged a bullet.  I think his initial break up with you was his true feelings.  He started to miss you, which happens even if breaking up is the right thing to do, so he got back together and agreed to all of your terms but as the reality of the relationship starting back up was hitting him he realized that it wasn’t really what he wanted.  

Post # 17
6771 posts
Busy Beekeeper

You dodged a bullet. He seems to have major FOMO (ie he’s not sure you’re the one) and even if he did propose I have a feeling you’d be back here in a year telling us he wanted to postpone the wedding. Go live your best life and one day you’ll find someone who can’t wait to make a life with you. 

Post # 18
439 posts
Helper bee

otunjiaj :  yet he is okay with not talking to me for 4 weeks and not even fighting for me to stay?

Not talking is usually what happens when people break up. What were you expecting to happen when you broke up with him? Did you not actually want to break up and were doing it to try to get him to do what you wanted?


Post # 19
146 posts
Blushing bee

You definitely did the right thing by leaving.  Close that chapter and don’t look back.  He was clearly stringing you along and attempting to tell you what you wanted to hear, but was lying about it all and it’s pretty clear that he really did not have intentions of proposing because he obviously wasn’t sure if he wanted a future with you.

you will find someone who is absolutely ecstatic about proposing to you and who couldn’t wait a minute longer to commit. trust me, been in your shoes.  i thought i would never find someone, but as many people say, it happens when you are least expecting it, it did and my fiance was thrilled to propose and is even more thrilled for our wedding.  they are out there bee, i promise!

Post # 20
1224 posts
Bumble bee

Ok, hold on. I also think that the bees are being a little harsh here. It would be different if you spent those 3.5 years together actually around each other for most of the time but long distance? Since 20? No. 

It sounds like for your ENTIRE relationship you were long distance. At a young age when people are trying to figure themselves out. Long distance is hard enough as it is, and it’s really hard to keep any kind of connection to someone who isn’t really around much. I can absolutely understand that he might not be feeling as connected to you and might want to date around a bit. That’s totally normal! You came home and started talking about the future with someone you haven’t really been in a full-time relationship with. He did the right thing and broke up with you. However, it sounds like you are all he has ever known and he missed you. 

When my longterm relationship went long distance, we talked so much and felt so connected, but when we were together day after day it completely fell apart. Being together was nothing like long distance where we missed each other constantly and had phone calls completely devoted to each other. Back home life got in the way and we were more exposed to each other’s negative traits. In my opinion you guys have no business discussing a future until you have actually spent some time dating while living in the same place. 

It sounds to me like he actually does love you and intends on marrying you, he has the conversations with you and he does the work, but bee I don’t think he’s ready for marriage at all, and especially not to someone he hasn’t even seen most days for years. He clearly wants to be independent first. You are pressuring him for marriage right when you arrive, 2 months after you get back together, 6 months. Stop pressuring him to get married. Actually spend time dating him and getting to know what he is like and enjoy that time rather than rushing forward.

25 is extremely young yet, if you got married at 27-29 that is way more reasonable in my opinion for the background you share with him and the ages you guys are at. That gives you both time to become independent and move out of your parents’ places (but for goodness sake don’t buy a house with him, just rent or live in his house that he buys with his own money), navigate building careers, and just get to know what it is like to really be with him day in and day out. 

Post # 22
1294 posts
Bumble bee

I do think you dodged a bullet. But I don’t think he is necessarily being manipulative etc. I think he loves you but is not ready for marriage. It sound like he wants to make you happy but it’s freaking him out. I have been in a ldr for a long time and I feel like your timeline was completely off and I would have freaked out. The reason why I’m saying you dodged a bullet is that at 25 he should be able to have a conversation instead of FOMO and just leaving or pretending to forget. 

I think you are on different pages and it’s ok to break up because of it. But you shouldn’t expect him to reach out since you are no l9jger together.

Post # 23
1224 posts
Bumble bee

otunjiaj :  You instigated it so yes, it’s on you to reach out and not him. 

But IF you decide to do that, you really need to get clear in your mind what you actually want and the actual state of your relationship as well as the stage of life you are in. You returned home talking about getting engaged, but there’s a lot to think about. Do you have lots of debt? Do you have a job yet and are you building your career? Do you have any other dating experience? Have you ever lived together at all or just dated while living with parents? Have you really considered the seriousness of marriage or does it just feel like the next thing to do now that you are back home? Have you discussed these things with your ex while you were dating? For example, do you know:

– the state of his finances (any debt, spending habits, does he save, what’s his attitude towards money in general), how would you guys handle finances together
– his relationship to drugs, alcohol, smoking, gambling, any other addictions
– how he reacts to stressful situations, how you both react to each other when in conflict (do you communicate and work things out respectfully)
– how can you guys compromise about sleep schedules, maintaining the home, chores, pets, decorating styles, budgeting, and just the millions of things that have to be worked out with someone when you cohabitate
– are you on the same page about having kids and how you want them to be raised, and if your parenting styles complement each other
– does he have your back always, keeping problems between the two of you and willing to set boundaries around others, even his own family if necessary, how much of a relationship are you both expected to have with each other’s families and friends
– how would either of you handle having to move away, is he supportive of your career, what happens if he loses his job

That’s just a short list but marriage is about far more than just loving each other and while you may have had conversations about much of this stuff, it’s not the same as actually seeing it in action day after day. If you don’t know the answers to a lot of this stuff by witnessing it yourself (and not just what he tells you which can change once he is in the situation) then cohabitating might be next rather than marriage. 

If you want to try to work this relationship out one thing is clear: you need to drop the idea of marriage. If you can’t, or you think you’ll start pressuring him after you get comfortable, don’t contact him. Marriage discussion has to be completely off the table for a bit. If you think you can do that and you really want to work things out with him, go ahead and contact him but be prepared to hear that he wants to stay broken up, and respect that. 

If he seems open to it, instead of telling him what you want, ask him what HE wants and listen to that. Maybe you’ll find out he has no clue when he wants to get married, maybe he isn’t sure about you because you have been away so long. Maybe he wants to date others before settling down. Maybe he wants to experience living on his own and hanging out with friends before getting married, maybe he wants to build savings or his career first. Just be open and really consider what he says without pressuring him or guilting him. 

I don’t know if you can work this out, and you might want to instead just stay broken up and see what else is out there, but good luck if you decide to go this route. 

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