otunjiaj : You instigated it so yes, it’s on you to reach out and not him.
But IF you decide to do that, you really need to get clear in your mind what you actually want and the actual state of your relationship as well as the stage of life you are in. You returned home talking about getting engaged, but there’s a lot to think about. Do you have lots of debt? Do you have a job yet and are you building your career? Do you have any other dating experience? Have you ever lived together at all or just dated while living with parents? Have you really considered the seriousness of marriage or does it just feel like the next thing to do now that you are back home? Have you discussed these things with your ex while you were dating? For example, do you know:
– the state of his finances (any debt, spending habits, does he save, what’s his attitude towards money in general), how would you guys handle finances together
– his relationship to drugs, alcohol, smoking, gambling, any other addictions
– how he reacts to stressful situations, how you both react to each other when in conflict (do you communicate and work things out respectfully)
– how can you guys compromise about sleep schedules, maintaining the home, chores, pets, decorating styles, budgeting, and just the millions of things that have to be worked out with someone when you cohabitate
– are you on the same page about having kids and how you want them to be raised, and if your parenting styles complement each other
– does he have your back always, keeping problems between the two of you and willing to set boundaries around others, even his own family if necessary, how much of a relationship are you both expected to have with each other’s families and friends
– how would either of you handle having to move away, is he supportive of your career, what happens if he loses his job
That’s just a short list but marriage is about far more than just loving each other and while you may have had conversations about much of this stuff, it’s not the same as actually seeing it in action day after day. If you don’t know the answers to a lot of this stuff by witnessing it yourself (and not just what he tells you which can change once he is in the situation) then cohabitating might be next rather than marriage.
If you want to try to work this relationship out one thing is clear: you need to drop the idea of marriage. If you can’t, or you think you’ll start pressuring him after you get comfortable, don’t contact him. Marriage discussion has to be completely off the table for a bit. If you think you can do that and you really want to work things out with him, go ahead and contact him but be prepared to hear that he wants to stay broken up, and respect that.
If he seems open to it, instead of telling him what you want, ask him what HE wants and listen to that. Maybe you’ll find out he has no clue when he wants to get married, maybe he isn’t sure about you because you have been away so long. Maybe he wants to date others before settling down. Maybe he wants to experience living on his own and hanging out with friends before getting married, maybe he wants to build savings or his career first. Just be open and really consider what he says without pressuring him or guilting him.
I don’t know if you can work this out, and you might want to instead just stay broken up and see what else is out there, but good luck if you decide to go this route.