Post # 1
I hope you are well. I am male and would love any advice as i am currently in pieces.
I am 41 and my now – ex girlfriend has just turned 38. Neither of us has children. She would very much like one child. We have been dating for 18 months, and are very much in love with each other. We are soulmates and wanted to be with each other for the rest of our lives.
She said fairly early on that she wanted a child in the near future , and she was 36 when we met, so time was not on her side. I have never been hugely keen on becoming a father, mainly due to the entire life change it involves, plus the lifetime commitment and stress make me unsure. I want marriage, but not children in other words.
We dated and fell for one another. I think each of us thought the other would change their mind . I even went to 4 counselling sessions to explore more why i was inclined to not have a family, as i wanted to get on her page and have a future with her. I love her that much.
My girlfriend wants a child so badly, she is prepared to go it alone if needs be. She said ” i will have a child, either with you, or with someone, or alone “
Sadly, we split for good 4 days ago and it hurts so much. She ended it as she said she needs to move forwards for her goal. She has cut all contact completely, phone, email you name it.
She asked me to commit so many times to her. Now all i can think about is did i do the right thing, in not going for fatherhood with her? We could have been a family. How did i let go of such an amazing woman? i am wondering if just one child with her would have worked out.
Have i made the biggest mistake of my life?
Post # 2
Do you want a child? Does not sound like it. Frankly, it would be selfish to bring a child in this world to keep a girlfriend. Usually ladies do that to keep a boyfriend and it is not fair to anyone in the situation, especially the innocent kid.
Give it a bit more time. But if you have not changed your mind on not wanting kids and she wants one that badly then you are at an impasse.
Post # 3
No one can tell you if you did the right thing. My husband really wasn’t on board with the father thing but will now tell anyone who listens it was the best decision of his life. It’s your choice but you have to respectfully understand it is her choice as well. Age isn’t on her side and if she wants a child she has to do that for her.
Post # 4
It sounds like you really don’t want a child. If that is the case you definitely made the right choice. You both want totally different things out of life and that is okay. Break ups suck at first it does get easier.
Post # 5
If you don’t want a child, don’t have a child. It sucks, but it’s better for both of you if you let go.
Post # 6
Have you spent time with many children? If you picture having children in your life, what does that look like to you? Do you have any positive feelings towards children/parenthood?
I don’t think having a child with someone if you truly don’t want one is a good idea. It wouldn’t be fair to the child or to her.
Post # 7
This is slight tangent but hopefully it will help you realise the commitment of a child and therefore being with your ex.
My aunt recently passed away, she was 37 and had a 5 year old daughter. She passed away from breast cancer. Her husband is now a single parent to a five year old who has just lost her mother. He’s a single parent in a household that followed traditional gender roles, so my aunt worked part time and did all child care and housework. My aunt was very active up until a few days before her death – in other words there was no adjustment period for her husband to get used to things. He’s trying to deal with the loss of his wife and also watching YouTube videos of how to do a pony tail because that’s how his daughter has to wear her hair for school. He has to be both parents. His grief has to come as a secondary thing to his daughters care.
Your ex wants a child. She is happy to have one alone and she will make the considerations for what happens should she unexpectedly pass away. If you go back to your ex and you are going to have to agree to be a parent with her. Anything else is unfair to her. Unless you are prepared to be a single parent in the unfortunate and unlikely event your ex should die young, don’t do it. If the worst case scenario happens then you need to be prepared to be both parents, which I think is hard for anyone let anyone someone who doesn’t want to be a parent. If it still appeals to you/you think you can do it in the worst possible scenario, get in touch with her and explain otherwise let her go.
Post # 8
I dont actively want or desire a child. I go about my daily life, but at no point in my day to day, do i ever think about myself as a father.
I think all the time about my girlfriend, and if we could live together. But no, i never have a vision of a family life. I can see the good things about it, sure, what i am trying to say is that it is not an innate desire that comes from within me.
I have no neices or nephews, so i have not been around children much at all.
Post # 9
prash99 : The worst thing to do to try and save a relationship is to have a child. So many women do this and the relationship doesn’t magically get better and I would guess a lot of men appease women by having a baby thinking it will help keep her happy- it doesn’t it just makes the cracks bigger (because a lazy husband is not going to magically become a helpful husband just because of a baby). A bad relationship or one with incompatibilities is just that and some things can’t/shouldn’t be pushed aside and kids are one of those things.
Having a child for any other reason than because you want and would love a child is a very very bad idea for everyone involved. You can love someone deeply but still realise that they are not the person you should be with.
Also there is nothing wrong with not wanting children. I don’t want children, ever, end of story. I have ended relationships with people I loved due to this fact. There are people out there that have the same desire as you not to have kids, you just need to find them. Hey even dating sites have a no kids search category nowadays.
Post # 10
prash99 : Nope, no mistake. Even though it hurts right now. ONE of you was going to be miserable in the future. Having a child or not is one of those dealbreakers. You HAVE to be on the same page or it just won’t work. Sorry you are hurting right now…
Post # 11
If you don’t want children, then you didn’t make a mistake. If you get back together, most likely one of you will be resentful.
Post # 12
At your ages, you also have to be totally on board with whatever child God brings you. This is considered advanced maternal age, and statistics show a much higher risk for downs syndrome, the obgyn will actually show you the graph with the risk by age.
I guess what I mean is, you better want a child really really bad before having one, and having one doesn’t mean you get a perfect one. Once you have a child your life isn’t about you any longer. It is wonderful, but only if you really want that.
Post # 13
You don’t sound like the fatherly type at all (I don’t mean that in a bad way, it just sounds like it is not your thing), so I would say your girlfriend and you made the right choice to break up. It will be hard at first to let her go, but I believe that in time you will find someone to be happy with who wants the same things you do. I wish you both the best!
Post # 14
You nade the right decision. It may hurt now, but like someone else said, one of you would end up miserable.
Post # 15
prash99 : No, you absolutely did not make a mistake in not having a child you did not want to “keep” your girlfriend. Not only is that completely unfair to the child, and a horrible reason to have a child, but the reality is your relationship as you know it now would be drastically different with a child added. If you DO want a child, as a couple you can work through that together and find your way, if you DON’T it is pretty hard not to go ahead with resentment, or ultimately without losing everything you love about the relationship now.
Sometimes you have to let people you love and care about go because of incompatibilities like this. There is no real compromise between wanting no children and wanting one (or more). There is NOTHING wrong with not wanting children. There does not have to be any deep seated reasons from your childhood or whatever you need to seek therapy for. Not wanting them IS a full and complete reason.
There are women out there who do not want children. I, at 37, am one of them. I am also sterilized by choice as I don’t even want a risk of an accidental pregnancy (though am completely okay with abortion, I want to avoid pregnancy at all). In the future, don’t assume one or both of you will change your mind (in the same way). Be clear from start, select to date women who themselves are childfree (this is made much easier these days with online dating!). One of my husband’s friends, who is 42 like he is and also childfree, is getting married to a woman he met a couple of years ago. She too is childfree. Like I said, they are out there 🙂