(Closed) Did I make a mistake

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
1603 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Unfortunately, you cannot make a person change who does not want to change. I know you made a vow to your husband, but it doesn’t really sound like he was ready to settle down.

Have you brought up the fact he is acting different with him? It sounds like the two of you really need to have an adult conversation about your relationship.

Post # 4
3479 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

@queenofhearts90:  It sounds like you are in a truly awful situation. How long were you together before you got married, that he was able to hide his real persona?

Post # 5
6317 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

I would make it clear that at the very least you need to move out together to your own place.

I think you two should move back to Canada, honestly. And I know you don’t want to leave, but this sounds like good grounds for an annulment or quick divorce because this sounds like fraud on his part. I don’t know the legalities but if things don’t improve FAST, I would consult a lawyer.

Post # 7
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I’m sorry, give him an ultimatum, then leave if he doesn’t get better.  Yes, marriage is important and your vows are important, if he really cared about that, he would make efforts to make your marriage work TOO, it takes two to tango, and you shouldn’t be the only one working at it.


Post # 9
2389 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Ack, that sounds like a terrible situation. I’d consider, very carefully, whether I wanted to be with this man. Can you see yourself having a family with him? 

To be honest, I like the sound of annulment.

Post # 10
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

@weddingbee098 +1

Give him an ultimatum and stick with it. “If you don’t change and I don’t see improvement by X date I’m leaving” I mean if you aren’t his first priority then there is a huge problem, he doesn’t deserve you. I know you want to work it out but if he isn’t willing to work on it then why should you?

Post # 11
7111 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

May I ask where in Asia you are? What sort of social structure is dominant there? Would it be helpful to seek advice from the matriarch/patriarch of the family?

Post # 12
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@queenofhearts90:  I don’t think you can make someone grow up. Long before I met my fiance I dated someone who I thought I could change – it did not end well.

I know you say that he would never cheat but his saying that buying a hooker is “not so bad” would lead me to think otherwise. I think you need to have a talk with him, a very serious one. His values do not seem in line with yours whatsoever, between his priorities, drinking and questionable friends. But only you can know for sure if you can stay in this relationship. It is not up to you to fix it though, it will take work on his part. good luck xxx

Post # 13
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Do you think the change in culture from Asia to Canada is making him behave this way?  I am not a professional on cultures but I know in certain Asian cultures women are treated very differently than in North America.

Post # 14
6593 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

It sounds like there are some major cultural differences between you and your husband.  It was probably easier to hide them when you lived in Canada but now that he is back home, his normal behaviors and beliefs are being supported by friends and family around him.

You need to try talking to him first about your concerns.  Maybe he doesn’t realize how different he is being.  If he won’t talk, then you need to determine if his behaviors are something you can live with because they most likely won’t change, especially if they are the cultural norm where you are currently living.

Post # 16
11 posts
  • Wedding: June 2014

well before y dh i was with someone for over 5 years and i walked away because he was a compelelty different person after a while and i did put up with it for a while but then i got tired dont wait over 5 years like i did to once again realize what you do now. leave him

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