(Closed) Did I make a mistake?

posted 7 years ago in Proposals
Post # 16
Member
395 posts
Helper bee

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gloamingone:  Tell your children now.  My father was engaged for months while “waiting for the ring” and didn’t tell me.  I was 15. I was all for the engagement,  but feeling like you aren’t a part of it sucks.  I am STILL bothered by it.  Like I wasn’t allowed to be a part of something that was a big deal in our lives.

I cannot encourage you enough to tell them what’s going on in your life. 

ETA: If you are asking whether you did the right thing and are not comfortable speaking with your children about it,  the answer is no, you did not.  

Post # 18
Member
266 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Why do you think it’s you? From your update, I think he communicated very clearly that it’s not you. 

Did you guys talk about marriage before you proposed? 

Post # 19
Member
988 posts
Busy bee

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gloamingone:  I am so sorry! Do you think therapy would help you both? DH and I were both married before. I was the one afraid of commitment because of the past abusive relationship. It helped our relationship talking about it and DH reassuring me that he wasn’t like That. Has your SO even talked about his past with you? You need to convince him that you are not like her.

I was also wondering if maybe he didn’t want to tell the boys because he wanted to use them as part of his proposal. 

Post # 20
Member
336 posts
Helper bee

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gloamingone:  Take a deep breath, honey. Men are not the “lead with your heart” creatures that women tend to be. They like certainties, and it’s not that your guy isn’t “sure” about you – and really, who can ever be 100% sure? – it’s that he got burned bad, and for whatever reason that fear is crippling him right now.

You know it’s not personal, so don’t take it personally. Keep having heart-to-hearts with him, CALMLY, and see if it’s something you guys can work through. I think a LOT of bees will back me up in that 2.5 years is relatively quick to get engaged, and that committing to marriage is the #1 thing even the best men freak out about. (And that includes mine!) 

Much better to get these fears of his sorted, labeled, and dealt with NOW than on your wedding day, you know? It’ll be okay <3

Post # 21
Member
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

It sounds like you need to talk more about what the committment means to you both. If his deep-rooted fear is that it will end one day, dig into that. What part about that scares him? How could you two prevent it? What will you do to prevent it? Are you both in it for the long haul? Is he scared HE will want out at one point or is he scared YOU will? If it’s him, then it’s his committment issues involved here. If he’s scared you will, then you need to have more conversations about the vows. If he’s too scared to get married because he’s scared of divorce, he’ll never get married. Biggest cause of divorce is financial issues, so you definitely want to be on the same page with that.

Post # 23
Member
1149 posts
Bumble bee

I think everything will be fine! My Fiance proposed to me, THEN we went and picked out a ring, THEN we waited 3 weeks for it to arrive and didn’t tell anyone until it was ‘ring official.’

Congratulations!!!

Post # 24
Member
1201 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

When my guy proposed, he really wanted (wants!) to get married but hates the prospect of a wedding. So shortly after the proposal, he said “just so you know, this doesn’t mean we are going to start planning a wedding right away!”. My guy was happy and excited, but didn’t really want to talk about the wedding as he found it daunting. And announcing the engagement before I had my ring kinda sucked. By the time I got it, nobody was asking to see it anymore so I was a little bummed. 

I don’t think you’ve made a mistake. But I do recommend pre-marital counselling (not just with church, but a relationship therapist) who can give you both the best foundation to start yor marriage off with. This should put his mind at ease. 

Hope it works out and best of luck. 

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