Post # 1
Hi bees, it’s been a long time since I started a post but here I am feeling like I need some kind of support.
After the end of my engagement, I reconnected with a guy I had casually dated before and we have been together for the past year and a half and we have been living together for over a year.
Suddenly (I’ve noticed this happens in other relationships too) I started feeling very disconnected and detached a couple months ago. It’s like I hit this weird emotional wall and suddenly stop being interested in continuing being with somebody even though they haven’t done anything wrong.
So the past couple months have been difficult, I’ve been feeling all kinds of negativity. Don’t wanna be touched, kissed, cuddled all that felt like a chore. Zero sex drive. We haven’t done it in 2 months. In fact, anything physical repulses me. I have started feeling dreadful coming home to see him after work, preferring to be at work or with my friend than be with him. In fact, last night he said he may take today off to stay home and be with me and my response was “why??” In fact, I have stopped missing him throughout the day as well
Other things that have changed are no longer seeing a future with him, like when he has been talking about buying a condo with me it doesn’t sound appealing, or taking an overseas trip.
I’ve tried “reality testing” myself like ‘wtf is wrong with you mandipandi there’s nothing wrong with this guy why are you feeling like this?’ And reminding myself why we got together in the first place. But I just can’t shake this feeling of like feeling so blah about the relationship so I ended things last night.
I guess I’m just second guessing myself about this decision… Like how do you know if it’s just a rough patch or the end of something?
I’d like to add that I’m in therapy and addressing my issues with male relationships By The Way. Thanks for reading
Post # 2
Well, first and foremost, just because there is nothing “wrong” with a guy doesn’t mean you have to commit to him. There are lots of nice guys out there and you aren’t required to have any reason, let alone a good reason, to not want to marry them or otherwise to commit to them. You aren’t required to love a guy just because he hasn’t given you a reason not to.
I think the defining thing for me in this instance is asking myself am I anhedonic and feeling this way about everything or just things involving him? If I couldn’t pinpoint a specific event with him to make me feel that way, then I ask is it everything or just him? Are you feeling lost or having trouble deriving pleasure from other things? Work? Hanging out with friends? Hobbies? Solo vacations? If you are, then I’d be concerned about depression and I would be hesitant to let the relationship go without trying to get to the root cause and working on yourself (though sometimes working on yourself may mean letting go of a relationship if it isn’t contributing anything beneficial to your life). If you are satisfied with other areas in your life and active and enjoying activities that don’t involve him, then it may be a big sign this relationship has run its course.
Post # 3
Someone can be wrong for you without having anything objectively wrong with them. Consistent lack of passion/enthusiasm and having no desire to touch or spend time with your partner is enough reason to end a relationship. Don’t beat yourself up for it.
People aren’t just either bad or good, or rateable on a scale from 1-10, it’s more about FIT. He may be perfect for someone else, but it doesn’t sound like he’s perfect for you.
Post # 4
Same thing happened in my last relationship. I loved being around him platonically, he was like a best friend, but that was all. The idea of a romantic relationship just felt…off, even though we were in one. He obviously had serious feelings for me and I broke it off because I didn’t want to make it harder on him. I felt awful. He was a wonderful guy and we’re still friends, and I didn’t want him to believe it had anything to do with him because it was 100% me. Which led to, “What’s wrong with me? Is this permanent? Can I not feel love anymore?”
Apparently I could, because a few years later I started dating my current SO and here I am on weddingbee. I had an abusive relationship before the guy I broke up with, so I wonder if that messed me up at all. Whatever the case, it worked out in the end, I’m just sorry he had to be the guy to put up with whatever I was going through.
Point is, sometimes you don’t just click with someone, and that’s okay. I think you did the right thing. Don’t lose hope.
Post # 5
Don’t lose hope and don’t second guess yourself. I actually married my “super nice guy that there was nothing wrong with” – and wound up divorced. I wasn’t unhappy but I wasn’t happy. It was like being married to my brother. As I went through life and never found the “right guy” I sometimes regretted my divorce, because he was a super great guy that I had a lot in common with and enjoyed his company and thought there was just something wrong with me, but now that I finally met the right guy (I am in my mid 40s!!) I realized I just hadn’t met my match yet.
For me, I was certain it wasn’t me just pushing him away or nitpicking, looking for something to be wrong – if you’re not attracted to someone you’re just not attracted. I tried to push my current boyfriend away many times in the beginning due to fear, but I was always super attracted to him. It sounds like that was what was missing for you with this guy.
Life’s too short to settle, and it sounds like you would have been settling for “good enough” with that guy. When its right I feel like you just know. Of course there is NO perfect, everyone has something wrong, but when its right you don’t feel like you’re settling, you feel like you’re the luckiest woman in the world to have this man. Again, it took me a VERY long time to find it.
Post # 6
What does your therapist say about any of this?
So this current guy, you met him at the end of your engagement? He sounds like a rebound.
After the honeymoon period, every relationships cool down, but not every relationship is meant to last forever. If you aren’t attracted to him and no longer wish physical intimacy, perhaps you should consider letting him go.
You mentioned a pattern of feeling this way in previous relationships. I wonder, do you have a habit of rebounding when one relationship starts to cool, are you always jumping into a new one?
Maybe taking more time to get comfortable with yourself would help you, and then you might start choosing longterm partners who line up more with what you want. Even once you do that, longterm relationships do take some work. You have to keep investing in yourself and your partner. But if the thought of him taking a day to spend with you makes you shudder, sounds like he is not a good match for you.
Post # 7
When you ended things did you feel relief? If yes, you made the right decision and need to stop second guessing yourself.
Based off what you wrote, ending it seems like the right decision to me. It’s not fair for either of you to be in that relationship when it clearly just isn’t 100% working.
It seems to me that you need to figure out exactly what you want and maybe just some personal time to figure yourself out.
Post # 8
There is a definite difference between “good enough” and being fulfilled in your relationship. If it’s been a couple months, I doubt this is a temporary feeling. A week is “temporary”. I’ve definitely been disconnected from people I’ve dated for short periods of time.
I’m sure at some point, your doubts will start to creep in there again. So, be careful not to take him back because of feeling like you miss him without considering the “why”. It’s likely going to be that you’re romanticizing him simply because you don’t want to be alone.
Post # 9
You may not have had enough down time between relationships to really get to know yourself, which is an important thing to do. Yes, you did the right thing by letting this relationship go for now. Give yourself some time and space to figure out what you want and need from a relationship going forward.
Your relationship with this man may have just been a transitional one, nothing wrong with that, but now that it fulfilled it’s role (maybe healing?) you sound ready to move on to another stage in your life. You deserve time to do that.
Post # 10
Sounds like you have some RA.
Check Sheryl Paul’s website, Conscious Transitions. For an easy and quick response, google “conscious transitions – why am i not attracted”. From that like you’ll find many more. 🙂
Post # 11
thanks, that was helpful. I feel good about other aspects of my life… just not this
my therapist has been trying to help me see and process the same relationship patterns that occur and trying to help see what it is about partners that trigger something in me to have this kind of reaction… he will probably tell me I’m running away from the problem instead of dealing with it! As far as being a rebound, I don’t think he was necessarily, we began dating 5-6 months or so after the engagement had ended and had known each other prior
Kristin June :
I did feel relief and sadness … now today it’s more sadness and confusion and regret like I did the wrong thing. Ugh it just sucks
Post # 12
I just had a thought, is it possible that you’re experiencing something physical, like an illness, that could have caused the lack of sex drive? (Thyroid, hormone imbalance, depression, etc). Have you had a physical check up? If you’re having doubts that you did the right thing by ending it you may want to get checked out, just in case.
Post # 13
thanks for that perspective, a week does sound more temporary than a couple months! And you’re probably right about the rest too
I may not have, I always seem to get involved with someone again fairly soon after. Like I’ve never been single for more than 6 months
thanks I’ll check that out
Post # 14
the sex drive thing has always been an issue for me. I used to be on antidepressants and BC but now I’m off both of those and hasn’t come back at all. I had a physical in May 2017!
Post # 15
I’m a believer in following your intuition and your heart. If you’re no longer in love with him you can’t “force” yourself to be. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Give yourself some time to figure out what you want, don’t give into the anxiety of loneliness (hey, I get it) by settling for a relationship that is less than what you are really looking for.
Work on getting yourself as happy and healthy as possible.