(Closed) Did I ruin a potentially good thing???

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
9044 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I don’t know why everyone is piling on this guy. OP did you maybe scare him off. You said you text him asking if he likes you after he had been subtly dropping hints that he wasn’t that into you. And then when he clearly says that he thinks you are into him a bit more than he is into you (guy code for you are going too fast) you flip out on him. You had only been seeing him a month and maybe you were a little too intense for him? 

I think he potentially liked you and wanted to explore that more (hence the pencilled in plans) but then you got a bit intense for him. He may also have found things he didn’t like the more he got to know you. Everyone has their own list of desirable traits that they want in a partner.

I think you should just chalk it up dating life and not spend too much time on it. The next guy might be more compatible with you but maybe also try not to push it too much and just enjoy the getting to know you stage of a relationship.

Post # 17
Member
216 posts
Helper bee

xpretyNpinkStarx:  He wasn’t suddenly disinterested – he just realised that he wasn’t that into it. I dated a guy like this before – and he was making plans in the future etcetc. This was around Christmas time too. He came over to my apartment and helped me put up all the lights and decorations for a dinner party I was hosting, we had dinner, and then he dumped me. I guess he had gotten carried away with the idea of being in a relationship and then realised actually, we weren’t all that compatible.

I was of course, devestated (and covered in shiny, happy glitter) but it turned out that I was also dating him for the illusion of being in a couple, and really, it was the best thing to have happened.

In summation: You didn’t ruin anything, you possibly shouldn’t have called him a dick, but you’re definitely better off so pick yourself up and leave him in your distant memory and enjoy the holidays 🙂

 

Post # 18
Member
374 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Wow he sounds like a charmer! There’s honesty and then there *honesty* ! If a guy told me he didn’t want to sleep with me because he loses interest once he’s slept with a girl then I’d actually feel quite insulted, like he’s already preparing me for him losing interest instead of seeing where it goes organically.

To be honest OP I think he was looking for a bit of fun and probably wasn’t lying when he said he enjoyed hanging out with you. I don’t berate you for calling him a d*ck but I think this alone probably indicates this relationship was possibly not meant to be. Perhaps you’re looking for different things? Nothing wrong with that. Just forget him and move on 🙂 

Post # 19
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Some men will just never settle down…I dated a couple guys like this back in college…and 10 years later they are still single…don’t take it personally…just move on and consider yourself lucky that you dodged a bullet.

Post # 20
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Honestly he does sound a bit like a dick, not because he was honest, but because he doesn’t seem interested in real intimacy with a woman. I am instantly suspicious of men who get bored easily, who say they frequently “lose interest” in women as though women are a movie that is expected to entertain them. In my experience, that is usually shorthand for men who aren’t looking for a deep relationship. 

That’s fine, but my real question for you is, why the heck are you hung up on this guy? You clearly are interested in developing a real connection with someone. You need to develop a stronger sense of self. His rejection shouldn’t have you second-guessing how interesting you are & what you want and need out of a relationship.

Post # 21
Member
5154 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

xpretyNpinkStarx:  Yep, I would probably just move on. I don’t think you ruined it ~ it sounds like maybe he wasn’t quite feeling it.

This reminds me of a time I was dating a new guy (way before my DH). We went out three times and on the 1st or 2nd date, he told me how he always blocks girls numbers when he gets annoyed by them which I was just like, haha that’s funny. So, around the 4th date, he invited me to his house (via text), basically saying he wanted me to come over to have sex. Well – I didn’t particulary want to, so I called him out on it saying that I was looking for a relationship and not just someone to have sex with. No response to that message, so I think I texted him one more time, and I got a response that my number was blocked! It said the number or something wasn’t available – that bastard BLOCKED ME!

In all seriousness, it sounds like you avoided a jerk! 

Post # 22
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

He does sound like a dick, but to be fair, you texting him asking him if he likes you comes off as desperate. I still think you dodged a bullet here.

In my experience, when you meet the right guy you won’t have to chase him.

Post # 23
Member
665 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

He just wasn’t that into you. I don’t think his comments were out of line, although I guess they weren’t well phrased. It seems to me like he was trying to tell you from the beginning that he’s taking things slowly because he’s not looking for anything serious and was feeling you out to see if there was anything there. Some people are not dating seriously, they’re just doing it for fun. If that’s not you, make it clear from the beginning so if the guy’s not into that, he can bow out early. Sure, he seemed to enjoy spending time with you but maybe when you weren’t together, he just kind of lost interest. It happens. Someone can be perfectly nice but you don’t “click” or have much of a connection. You didn’t do anything. (Although calling him a dick was unnecessary. You could have handled it a little more maturely but you know that.)

Anyway, better you find out now before you spend any more time on him. I also think that “do you like me?” comes across as kind of juvenile like something a teenager would say. I think there’s a better way to ask him if he’s invested in the relationship besides that.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by  papillon20.
Post # 24
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t know why all this analyzing is going on for someone OP knew for a month. It’s really nothing. He wasn’t that interested, it sounds like OP has realized she probably wasn’t that interested either. It’s a lot of pressure and ultimately unrealistic to expect a guy to be ALL IN within a month. Usually within a month you hope he is being respectful, is responsive, and continues to want to get to know you. This guy wasn’t and told you in not so subtle terms.

Take it easy, OP. There’s a lot of this stuff that happens in dating universe.

Post # 25
Member
719 posts
Busy bee

The only thing that happened is this guy isn’t mature enough to be in a relationship and the only thing that you did wrong was apologize.

No one who gets bored easily is prepared to be in a longterm, committed relationship.

Your response was just fine.  Please, for your own self esteem, do not contact this guy again and do not respond to any further messages from him.

 

Post # 26
Member
6352 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Some people are weird. You knew what you were getting into when he said he loses interest easy.  The best way to go about dating is to never believe you are the exception, especially when he warns you.

I was the exception for my Fiance, but I didn’t know that he had anything to be caught up on.  If he likes you, he won’t share those things with you.  My Fiance wouldn’t get in a serious relationship for years.  He wouldn’t bring anyone around… but within a week of dating me, he said he was going to marry me.

Move on.  This guy has some baggage.  Feel lucky it ended, because you don’t want to deal with that down the road.

Post # 27
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

On the one hand, when a guy is giving out little verbal warnings about how he becomes bored easily, or doesn’t want to sleep with someone too soon because he tends to get bored, it comes across to me like a disclaimer, an out. Not genuine honesty. There’s just no point in someone having to say that to a person they have just started dating. It’s shallow and suggests he’s not too well adjusted in relationships. As far as asking someone if they like you, usually it’s better to let it flow naturally, because having to reassure someone constantly becomes a job. The fact that he had to point out that he thought you were the party with more interest, and his earlier comments, seem to be a bit of a power trip in the relationship and you are probably better off moving on to someone more genuine and more interested in you.

Post # 28
Member
951 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

He is a dick. You’re either interested in someone or you’re not, and he was stringing you along despite lack of interest on his end.

While the name-calling was a little juvenile, you would be better off without this idiot who clearly has no idea what he wants, or something.

Post # 29
Member
718 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I think the whole “do you like me” comment can sometimes freak anyone out, especially after only a month. If this was just something casual, which it generally is after only a few weeks, sometimes people take that as a person being way too needy or signs of wanting much more from them than they are prepared to give in that moment.

I can see where the guy was coming from. In the past, I was easily annoyed and/or turned off by a guy asking me questions like “do you like me” or needing reassurance of my feelings early on. Like, we’ve only been hanging out for a month, please do not put your expectations of a serious relationship on me just yet.

Then for it to be followed up with a “You’re a dick” would send me huge warning signs that you have the potential to be a crazy dramatic person. I know you’ve owned up to it being an overreaction on your part, but just take that into consideration for the next time you’re dating someone. And quite honestly, your overreaction can be be perceived as him actually dodging a crazy person bullet.

I don’t think he has a bunch of baggage or that he’s a bad guy. He just might not want a serious relationship and isn’t in a place in his life where he knows what he wants. That doesn’t mean he’s a shit guy. That just means he isn’t the right guy for you, and that’s ok. He was 100% honest the entire time with you, so the comments that he was playing mind games or stringing you along is 100% nonsense. Just because someone takes you on a few dates over the span of a month doesn’t mean they owe you a serious relationship. He was feeling out the situation with you, and he got a taste of crazy and moved on.

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