Did I Screw Up and End It for a Shallow Reason?

posted 3 months ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
199 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: By the lake

I understand what you mean because my fiance wouldn’t want to be with someone who is not intellectual and who doesn’t stimulate his brain.   Luckily enough,  he said I have a brain and that I can carry a well conversation and not an airhead.  🤣  I’m the same,  I like someone who can carry good conversation, who is intellectual and not bore me.   You’re not being shallow.   

Post # 32
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2020

It doesn’t sound like he was intellectually stimulating for you.  I do think that is important and just one measure of different types of compatibility.  

Post # 33
Member
298 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

😂 that’s a valid point, but imagine how much worse it would be if you had struggled to converse in the early days. I have the opposite problem with my husband… sometimes I wish he would talk a little less (but not realllly) kd1025 :  

Post # 34
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee

Not shallow at all. Not getting bored from each other’s company is important. My ex was lacking in depth and our conversations often fell flat. On the other hand my ex before that probably found me a bit “boring” cos he always wanted to have deep and meaningful discussions and had a view about everything, whereas sometimes I’d rather just relax and talk about mundane things like what happened during the day or any kind of random crap. And to be honest sex with neither was GREAT.

I’ve been with fiancé for 3.5 years now, lived together for a year, the conversations just get better and better, as we get to know more about each other. There’s plenty of daily laughter and talking to him is something I look forward to every day (especially if I had a sh*t day at work).

I think if you’re both considerate and open to learn what works for the other person, and to try, sex will naturally get better with time as well. So the conversations not flowing could potentially be just one symptom of the same problem. That you just don’t click on many levels.

I don’t think it’s too much to ask that you feel like you’re in good company considering you’ll be spending A LOT of time together for the rest of your lives! 

There’ll always be pros and cons to a person and a relationship though, you can’t ask for perfection. You can decide on what is it that you can negotiate on / accept.

ETA: Also remembering, you’re only 27, and been with your boyfriend since 24. That’s an age where you’re still learning how to be mature in a relationship, how to fight / argue kindly, how to negotiate relationships, how to treat someone right etc. you have probably grown and matured through this time and experience and you’ll take these skills to your next relationship. So please don’t think that you have to stay just because you have aligned values (trust me you’ll meet others with aligned values) and because he’s been patient with you. 

Post # 35
Member
11335 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

“But it was an extremely difficult and sad choice. It also somewhat alarms me how many people disagreed with my decision here. It’s hard.”

It is no one else’s place to tell you whether you are making the right decision. There was no commitment. You were a girlfriend. You had taken no vows. No children were involved. After three years,“I’m not happy” or even “I’m not sure” is more than good enough reason to start over. 

This may threaten some who have been with SOs for a long time, with no formal commitment, or perhaps it even hits home to some who are introverted and quiet themselves. But quiet and boring are not necessarily the same thing. And your relationship needs are not theirs. 

There are plenty of laid back, supportive men out there. Work on your own issues too, but no, you don’t have to settle for boring. That’s a really low bar. 

Post # 36
Member
10043 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

flewscharm :  

Bee, stop self flagellating. Lose the guilt. How is any of that helpful? To anyone? Is is benefiting you? Your ex? Or is it an extreme waste of energy that could be channeled constructively?

People who fit the description of your ex seldom feel things the way we think they do. He sounds about a millimeter deep. We often project our own sensitivity and emotional depth onto our partners. It causes us to mistakenly assume that they’re feeling the same level of pain that we’re feeling.

I wouldn’t bet the farm on it. He probably misses the convenience of regularly available sex and companionship. Now, he’ll have to go out and start the whole damn process over again, which he hates. 

But, I wouldn’t conclude that he’s in emotional agony. 

Post # 37
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

Not at all shallow. But do you have enough friends?

Post # 38
Member
2883 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t think it’s shallow at all. Sure it could be fine enough for now, but if you’re looking for someone to share your WHOLE life with, to be your companion when you’re crotchety old folks whiling the day away in your rocking chairs – being able to have a satisfying conversation is pretty damned important. At least if you’re someone that values conversation. 

It’s not an automatic dealbreaker, but you gave it 3 years and still weren’t happy – those things only become more important the further along you get in the relationship.

 

He sounds like a great guy that just wasn’t the right one for you. 

Post # 39
Member
1233 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

he sounds annoying AF 

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