Post # 1
I’ve posted before about my situation as an Maid/Matron of Honor for a person I’m not very close to… future SIL. Not going to get into it in too much detail again (I was chided by many for taking the role, and I get that) but to sum up, I’m doing this for my Brother-In-Law who is like my brother and I do want the two of them to be happy so I’m trying my best while trying not to compromise myself and my feelings too much. All that said, I feel so, so down about how the bride has reacted after her bachelorette weekend. Maybe you guys will tell me I shouldn’t have done anything for the bride, but as I said, I’m doing this for my Brother-In-Law. I did find a compromise for the bachelorette weekend that wasn’t extravagant – I checked with the bride to make sure she was happy with the plans and she said she was so excited for it, but it was a little more low key so I felt I could handle it. But even when an event is on a budget, there is still a lot of planning that goes in to it, and honestly I did end up having to spend quite a bit of money. But I was ok with it. And everyone who attended told me I did a great job and that it was a lot of fun. I put in some personal DIY touches, made favours and I felt really proud that I was able to pull it all off. And I felt good about it, because everyone including the bride seemed to have a lot of fun – there was so much laughing going on! But the bride hasn’t expressed any appreciation beyond a hug goodbye and saying just “thanks”. And the next text messages she sent me after the weekend were completely unrelated to the bachelorette… just complaining about something or another. And I’ve just been waiting to hear… “I really appreciate your effort” type of message and she hasn’t said anything to that effect at all. I feel gutted. I’m not really looking for any advice. Just want to know if anyone else has ever been in a similar situation. I’m feeling quite alone.
Post # 2
And she thanked you.
Sorry you didn’t get all the feel-good pats on the head with effusive praise you wanted, but I think you’re going to have to learn to be okay with being thanked a bit more simply. There’s nothing wrong with a simple thank you.
Post # 3
Some people truly aren’t great at expressing appreciation. Did the bride do anything that made you think she doesn’t appreciate it? Brides tend to get their bridal party a gift at the end (at the rehearsal dinner) maybe she will write you a nice note expressing appreciation along with the thank you gift
Post # 4
But she did thank you? I don’t really see why you need to her gush over you.
Post # 5
Ok, ouch. Maybe I should clarify that it was a “k thanks, bye” after almost 48 of little sleep, running supplies up and down stairs, making sure everyone had a drink in hand, leading games and waking up early to clean up while everyone slept so that we had an easy check out. I didn’t do those things to win praise, I was honestly trying to be a good host. But after all the bride’s friends went out of their way to give me a big hug and thank me I was just a little shocked that in the uber ride home the bride just looked at her phone, talked about other things and at the end of the ride just said thanks, bye. Everyone in attendance could attest that she had the best time from beginning to end. I’ve tried to find out if she was upset by anything but nothing indicates that. She just doesn’t seem to feel that she has to say anything more. I am not looking for gushing praise. I guess if it were me I would have just sent a follow text to say nothing more than “thanks again for this weekend” before moving on to the next subject. I just don’t understand.
Post # 6
- Wedding: September 2018 - City, State
She did thank you. Maybe it wasn’t effusive, and maybe you deserved more (a nice thank you note, or at least a text.) But she said “thank you.” Typically, we aren’t in these things for the kudos, but for the pleasure we get from doing kind things for people we care about.
I’m a big, mushy “thank you” person. I sent me best friend an email about how much she meant to me after she accompanied me wedding dress shopping! But that’s just me. It sounds like you don’t know the bride that well, so perhaps she just isn’t a big gratitude person?
I’m sorry you’re feeling hurt, but it sounds like the best course of action is to lower your expecations. You aren’t close to her and probably won’t be after the wedding. Grin, bear it, and resolve to never put this much effort into a lopsided relationship again.
Post # 7
manylovesbee1 : Agreed. Thanks for the advice.
Post # 8
mohsos : But no one told you to do all of that that? You chose to do those things.
Sorry it sucks. You did your part (more than your part, sounds like). I don’t see a reason to be “gutted”. That sounds a bit excessive and dramatic. You’re a generous person trying to do something for someone else. I think this is just an invitation for you to be more discerning about how you share your generosity in the future. A good gauge is- if you feel like shit afterward, you did too much.
Post # 9
I can totally understand you. I also think that you should give a thank you form the heart when someone did something like this for you.
But sometimes I also forget to express that especifically. More so when I have a lot of things in my head and am just glad that something worked out and I can move on to the next thing.
If you’re really worried about it then you could ask her if she enjoyed the party and then maybe she’ll going to say more.
Post # 10
mohsos : lol honestly i would stop helping her with ANY wedding stuff at all. Say you’re too busy & drop out. She sounds rude, entitled, & she’s an unappreciative wench. She didn’t deserve all the stuff you did, & also you did way too much.
Like, “uhh ok, I’m eating bologna sandwiches for the next 2 weeks & had to cut Netflix for 6 months to throw you this effing party buuut yea. No prob. Happy to-” *door closes in your face*
Post # 11
I might not go this far, but I agree with you that the bride seems kind of ungrateful.
Call me extra or old fashioned, but no, a simple ‘thank you’ isn’t enough! That’s what you give soemone who holds a door open for you, when you get change back at the coffee shop or a sales person helps you find something in a store.
You definitely deserve more gratitude, bee!
Post # 12
She needn’t gush, but let’s be real here. A quick “thanks, bye” was pretty lame.
Who knows why she’s this way, but from what you’ve said, it’s consistent with her behavior in other situations. Maybe she’s socially clumsy, has social anxiety, is self centered or was resentful and unsatisfied with the party itself. But yes, she should have been more gracious and made a point of thanking you for all you did.
Maybe she’ll write you a note, but I would not hold my breath. If she knows enough to do that, she’d know enough to express some gratitude.
Post # 13
mohsos : It doesn’t make sense to martyr yourself for someone that you’ve already admitted you don’t like and who you described as selfish, and then be surprised that she didn’t gush her appreciation for it. If she’s as bad as you say in your previous post, what else would you expect from her? And if she’s not that bad, then she could probably tell you weren’t sincere and were only acting out of obligation, which doesn’t usually inspire greatfulness.
Post # 14
Iʻd let it go for right now, sheʻs probs caught up in wedding craziness… but if you donʻt get a little extra thank you written in a card or in person or as a gift more so than anyone else who did the minimum Iʻd definitely either say something like “hey I worked really hard and just felt it earned a little more appreciation” or just reevaluate the friendship altogether, especially if sheʻs a selfish person in general. Sorry, Bee. Hang in there, weddings are crazy.
Post # 15
Daisy_Mae : That really wasn’t the situation – I didn’t feel at the time that in doing this I was being a martyr. I truly thought I was able to find a compromise in organizing a party that wasn’t too extravagant, but was still a nice time so that both she and I could feel good about it. I just ended up doing more work than I planned to… that’s how events go sometimes. But in the moment I could see how much everyone – her included – was enjoying themselves and that made me happy. I felt good about doing this at the time, so no, I wouldn’t say I was being insincere. I was doing my best given the circumstances. It was only after the fact that I felt like I sacrificed something. She is the selfish type and I know that, so I guess it’s my fault that I feel bad now. Despite that I had hope that it would be a positive experience. Perhaps that was wrong.