Did my ex assault me or am I overreacting?

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2020

Hi bee! 
personally I think if someone has intercourse with you without your concent (as you said, out of nowhere) and made you feel uncomfortable then it is assault. 
mom glad you’re in a better place now. 

Post # 3
Member
5485 posts
Bee Keeper

 

(comment moderated)

Post # 6
Member
2710 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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anonyrantybee33 :  any sexual contact without both parties giving an emphatic and enthusiastic yes is in the realm of assault depending on each person. If you felt assaulted then yes. You were.

There have been times in my past with other partners where I was not fully “into” the act but because of the context of the situation and the relationship I wouldn’t call it assault. 

Post # 7
Member
3151 posts
Sugar bee

It definitely sounds rapey. I agree with pp, there can be gray areas here, but if you felt assaulted then that’s what counts.

I had a similar thing happen with an ex once… it was my high school boyfriend and first “everything.” I’d told him repeatedly I wasn’t ready for oral sex yet, but one time when we were fooling around he just went down on me anyway. I said no at first but he was persistent and it felt good so I “let” him. But afterwards I was really perplexed about it. That was like 16 years ago and it still bothers me. I wouldn’t call it assault but it definitely wasn’t right. 

Post # 8
Member
1758 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: Malibou Lake Mountain Club

View original reply
anonyrantybee33 :  i am sorry you had to go through that. I highly encourage therapy to process because of the impact it had on you and the fact its resurfacing. And it can hopefully guide you on how you would like to proceed with this (ie. exam, legal action, etc).

 

View original reply
sunburn :  she is already going undergoing her own mental punishment here. Cycle of abuse is a nasty cycle that include dependence etc; and it seems she was strong enough to move on. And it seems she has a healthy relationship now, and sad you think its just cause shes “screwing” someone else. if this triggered you in some way, try to get your own help. 

Post # 9
Member
257 posts
Helper bee

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sunburn :  This comment completely changed my opinion of you. 

Post # 10
Member
664 posts
Busy bee

(moderated) 

Post # 11
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

View original reply
sunburn :  yikes, quarantine must really be getting to people because this comment was incredibly out of character for you. 

Post # 12
Member
873 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

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modbrillcutbride :  
View original reply
melearenee : Shocked it took you ladies this long to see the kind of person sunburn is. 

OP, it’s a tough call (legally speaking only, perhaps) to identify sexual assault right after you’d immediately finished having consensual sex. To me, the deciding factor in this situation is how you felt about it. You didn’t feel that it was appropriate, you felt like your phone call with your friend was violated, you felt embarrassed, you felt like HE decided that you were not only going to have sex, you were going to embarrass yourself doing it. I mean, that guy is a piece of shit in general, so it doesn’t surprise me that he’d do something that violated your boundaries with your body and your friendship. 

Glad to hear that you’re in a GOOD relationship now. <3

Post # 13
Member
7977 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

There’s really nothing you CAN do about it now. Seven or more months have passed; nothing could be proven legally. And bringing it up otherwise, especially to his family, will not go well. Even if they are friendly with you, when push comes to shove, most people will side with family.

You’re angry that he and other exes treated you poorly, but the best revenge is living well. Take control of your own life and refuse to allow yourself to be treated that way again in the future. The best thing you can do now is to better your life. There is no action you can take regarding the assault; it could never be more than a he said/she said at this point. And regardless of how wrong and misinformed it might be to think this way, most people assume that if you were having sex with him moments before and were still naked in bed with him, then it cannot be assault. It would be an uphill battle to attempt to take any action, and it would more than likely go nowhere. 

Seek therapy, both to heal from the experience and to ensure you never allow yourself to be in that sort of situation again. 

Post # 14
Member
4697 posts
Honey bee

I think you would have a hard time taking legal action against him. I would seek therapy and then figure out how you want to proceed.

I would also let the relationship with his family fade away.

Post # 15
Member
816 posts
Busy bee

Based on your telling of the story, it doesn’t sound like assault to me, notwithstanding the fact that he sounds like an immature idiot.  You don’t say that you said no, or pushed him off, just that you quickly hung up with your friend to accommodate him.  And then stayed with him another month. 

I can’t fathom why this would be a lingering question since it now sounds like you are happily with someone else.  To me, the over-accommodating and naive person you were would be far in the rear view mirror, and I would simply continue moving forward.  

That said, I can see that this thread will become another of the many recent examples of why this site has become unbearably dramatic.  I’m out of here.  Peace out, ladies. 

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